Ready to Turn 30?

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly obsessing with (almost) being 30....?

Yes, my birthday is 2 1/2 months away but I'll be turning 29 not 30.

Maybe it's because I'm a "planner". I like to be prepared...like to know what to expect before something (large) happens. Plan ahead for any possible unexpected twists and turns.

This way, starting to think about the "Big 3-0" before it happens, I have time to get my life (somewhat) to a place that I'm (more) happy with.

I came across these "Tips All 30-Year-Old Women Should Know Before 30" in Madame Noire. And I thought it might be useful to go through these tips and see how "ready" I am.

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Tip #1 How to cook a complete gourmet meal: "You don’t have to be Betty Crocker to know how to cook at least one decent meal. Maybe you can only whip up one complete meal, but anything beats spaghetti as your ‘specialty’. Everyone should know how to cook a meal edible enough for not only yourself, but guests as well."

Haha! I've got this one nooooo problem! I'm known for my cooking. I pride myself in my cooking. I love throwing dinner parties for large groups and/or small intimate dinners for two. I definitely know how to cook more than "at least one decent meal." 

Consider this one "Checked"

Tip #2 How to manage your finances: "Shopping until you drop or broke, whichever comes first, is definitely something that should be left in your 20s. Before turning 30, women should have a savings account, an emergency fund, and a checking account complete with next month’s expenses. In addition, knowing how to manage your money and not let it manage you is another trait you should possess before you turn 30."

Okay so this one I still need work on. (See this is why I'm starting to think about being 30 over a year ahead of schedule). I do have a retirement fund with my company, I have a checking account, have recently paid off a credit card (that hadn't been paid off properly...eek) and haven't had a bounced check in a while. However, if I lost my job tomorrow I'd be f***ed. I don't have a savings account and I have (maybe) just over $100.00 in my bank account (hooray for payday coming soon). However, now that the credit card has been paid off and 1/2 my monthly paychecks aren't going to pay off furniture from 6-7 years ago....I'm planning on starting to tuck away money for a nest egg (and hopefully not allowing my shoe fetish to eat away at it).

For now, I'll mark this one as "In Progress"

Tip #3 How to live alone: "If you’re accustomed to city life where living accommodations can become quite costly, you either have or have had your fair share of roommates; but before turning 30, if your funds permit, you should have experienced living on your own sans a friend, roommate, boyfriend, or especially parents."

Holy smokes am I ready for this again. I lived alone for a number of years however, because of relocation and financial situations I've been living with roommates and/or family for the last four years (give or take). Now it's time to start saving the money and find my own place again... hopefully long before I turn 30!

Checked and In Progress

Tip #4 What you will or won’t do for love or money: "Maybe you’ll air out your business on a reality show for a little extra change, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll spend your 30s attempting to be a basketball wife or maybe you’d prefer to make your own money. Whatever your choice, you should know before turning 30 what you will or won’t do for love or money. Understanding yourself and your limits is very important."

I don't think I've ever really thought much about it. But I think I'm pretty secure in myself, my values and my choices that I know what I would or wouldn't do for money and/or love. But I don't have a list in my wallet or anything. 

Checked.

Tip #5 How to have a healthy relationship with the other sex: "You’ve dealt with the cheaters, or maybe you were the cheater. You’ve been lied to or done the lying. You’ve had your heart broken and possibly broke a few hearts in the process. But through the negative, you’ve experienced a somewhat stable relationship with a man (other than your father). You’ve realized that men and women are completely different and our thought processes are even more distinct. Still, you’ve learned to work around the differences and how to sustain a healthy relationship with a man."

I have to say I laughed at the "other than your father" piece... but my "daddy-issues" aside and the list of "unhealthy" relationships I may or may not have had. I think I have had "healthy relationship(s) with the other sex". There are, of course, some bumps in the road with any and all relationships. 

Checked and In Progress

Tip #6 How to have a healthy relationship with yourself: "Before 30 you should know that you are worth the investment, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You understand that beauty is only skin deep and that keeping yourself up physically is on half of the battle. Before 30 you should know how to have a healthy relationship with yourself or at least on the path to doing so."

I have the occasional moment of amnesia but for the most part yea...I got this covered.

Check.

Tip #7 How to dress according to your shape, size, and style: "By 30 you should know that everything doesn’t look good on everybody. With that in mind, you know what works for your body shape, what colors compliment you the best, and different looks to don on different occasions. Simply put, you know exactly how to look fabulous."

You mean that "Juicy" written across my butt and buying tees from the Junior section isn't a smart idea? Oh.... DUH!!! I love clothes. I love fine tuning my style. And I think I do it very well. So consider this:

Checked!

Tip #8 How to pick your battles wisely: "By now you should know that every argument doesn’t require a response. Learning to choose your battles wisely is a characteristic that comes with getting older."

Yea. So we're not ending on the best note. I still have a lot to learn about picking my battles. But then I'm a stubborn hot blooded Italian woman. Oh well. I knew I wouldn't be 100% ready (according to Madame Noir) to turn 30. 

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Anyone out there 30+ with other tips or suggestions for preparing for the big ol' 3-0?

Taking a Cue from Bridget Jones

 

"Will find nice, sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts... "

Dare to Jump.

 

 

2nd Chance?

So today Mr. Hong Kong messaged me.....just talking about what we have or haven't done in the last four months, what we do or don't want to see happen, what it even means that we're talking now.....

Normally (or at least pre-Mr.HK) my philosphy on exes has always been "an ex is an ex for a reason"... no questions. no 2nd chances. no matter the circumstances.

But now I'm not so sure. 

So I posted a question on my FB and I want to ask it here too:

"Have you ever gone against your better judgement or personal philosophy when it comes to exes?"

So far the responses (from friends/family online) have been:

"No. Bad Morgan."

"Who hasn't? And it always comes back to bite you in the ass"

"Which EX are you talking about?"

So what about you?
Do you think 2nd chances can happen?
Have you ever given an ex a 2nd chance?
What happened?

Dating the last 4 months

I came to the realization that Mr. Hong Kong and I have only been broken-up for four months.... and unfortunately I sent him an email today....just saying a happy belated birthday and hoping he was well. I'm so stupid.

I then immediately messaged my bff in Seattle telling her what I'd done. Here's how some of that conversation went:

BFF: I told you that this wasn't going to be easy....and that it was going to be hard.

Me: I know. You're right, as always. It's not like I expected to break up with "Mr. Hong Kong", turn the corner and find prince charming. But at least someone who is local, not a workaholic, not creepy/sleezy and wants to get to know more than my bra size

BFF: I know... but it doesn't make it easy that the other guys weren't even half decent

Me: Seriously. my "1st date"...well we've talked about him plenty. Then there was the teacher and the Canadian who both just disappeared. Mr. CT who looked like things were going well before *poof* The guy in SoCal who is only interested in sex. The Chicago guy who wanted me to fart on him. And now the "local" lawyer who doesn't know when he'll be leaving Tokyo.

BFF: I am trying not to laugh, because of how you put it but you should write a book! hahahah

Me: AND THAT'S ONLY IN THE LAST FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!

BFF: I know! hahaha

.....(later on in the conversation).....

Me: Oh. and I forgot about the Australian who, even though we both were emailing just as friends (because of the distance) - just stopped emailing. And then there is the guy from the UK who couldn't stop complimenting me (but in that way of weirdness) "Me: What's the weather like. Him: Rainy but it'd be sunny if you were here beautiful." WTF? Where do I find these guys?! And don't get me started on the ones who hit on me in person around town.

...(even later on)...

BFF: Ever thought of taking the sex people up on their offer? ...Maybe you need something without any ties... just have some fun.

Me: Yea but guys in Portland are (for the most part) gross and i honestly have no idea how or where to even beginning thinking let alone doing something like that. I can't get a guy to buy me a cup of coffee let alone take me home for the night.

Oy vey. I just get so frustrated with the whole dating process. I wish I could just shut the part of my brain off that desires a relationship. I wish I knew how to just pick up men in a bar and slip out the next morning before . I wish I knew how to shut down emotionally and not need or want a partner/companion. I wish this how thing was just easier.

F*** you Disney

This evening a friend of mine posted this article with a note saying he was posting it for me.

(Let me say before we get started that I love Disney. I have a many many on DVD. I grew up watching them and still will go to the theatre to see the newest Disney cartoon. Doesn't mean the feminist and political side of me doesn't see everything that's wrong with them)

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The Disney Myth: Why So Many Women Are Misled About True Love
How "happily ever after" sets kids up for heartache as adults.
By Joe Amoia

There are over 100 million single adults over the age of 25 in our country, and for most of them, the thought of being single and dating is analogous to having a red hot poker jammed into their eye. Based on my research, most single women dislike dating and being single. When it comes to finding that special guy to share their life with, many of these women say that there is hope in their heart, but they honestly admit that they are not too optimistic that true love is in their future.

Why do these women feel this way? For many of them it is based on their experience with men and their past relationships. Imagine if you wanted to eat Italian food and every time you went out to eat Italian food you had a bad experience. It wouldn't be long before you started saying to yourself "Italian food sucks." It would be only natural, wouldn't it? And who could blame you? Here you are trying to find a great place to enjoy your favorite food but every time you thought you found "the one," it left you unsatisfied and disappointed.

Well, isn't that how it is for you with men and your relationships? You want a great guy but after each failed relationship it's harder to believe that true love actually exists, isn't it? Well, it's understandable, and I felt that way a long time ago too. In fact, I have a theory. I call it the "Disney Myth" and it says that the reason most women have a hard time with men and relationships is because they have a distorted view of what true love really is.

Let's think about this. As a little girl grows up, she hears story after story about how she needs to be saved by the prince on the white horse or knight in shining armor. These stories unknowingly paint a picture that in order for a woman to live happily ever, after she needs a man to rescue and save her. She learns that her ultimate life happiness depends on a male hero.

This storyline exists in most of the Disney movies, including Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and Sleeping Beauty. And in the '60s and early '70s, Disney movies played a role in most childhoods. But, as I got older and started dating, I realized that many single women who had grown up in that era had an unrealistic distortion of love and relationships.

I guess watching my mother love my dad during his four-year battle with cancer made me realize what true love and a relationship was really about. When my dad was going in and out of hospitals, having chemotherapy and wasting away in front of our eyes, I soon learned that true love was so much more than what we had ever been taught or shown. I learned that life was going to throw stuff at you and if both people weren't prepared for it, then the chances of living happily ever becomes a much more difficult aim to achieve.

What Disney left out of all of these movies is that there is something called life after you fall in love. True Love is a commitment between two people to be there for each other and to support each other in the face of life and all of its challenges because the truth is, no matter who you are, life is going to throw stuff at you. And if your prince charming doesn't have the skills and tools to meet your needs, it won't be long before happily ever after turns into miserably divorced.

I find it amazing that in the world we live in our educational systems teach us nothing about relationships. Including my doctorate, I went to school for 21 years and in that 21 years I did not have a single class on relationships and what is necessary to increase one's chances of living happily ever after. Instead, I had to figure it out on my own. I took my lumps, made a lot of bad choices and ultimately figured it out. I learned that the key to a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship is picking the right partner for the right reasons. It is about being clear about who you are and what you have to offer and picking a partner who compliments you, and who is on the same page in regards to your life goals and visions.

A relationship is a true partnership between two people. It doesn't make a difference how cute you look together or how much you think you love each other. What matters most is the two individuals love, respect and honor each other in a way that they work together to create the results that they both desire.

Many little girls grow up and dream of finding their prince. They grow up dreaming about being the princess and wearing the white dress. Years are spent focusing on the fantasy of the wedding day and what it will be like. For many, that day comes and once it is over they realize that true love and having a successful relationship is much more than they realized. Unfortunately Disney left that part out.

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After reading it I commented "I'm going to assume you meant this is for me because you knew I'd agree withthe article and not because you think I'm looking for the Disney Myth of love."

I won't deny that Disney has given the completely wrong message about ... well lots of things. Relationships, men coming to "rescue" the women, women who are helpless and life doesn't really begin until she's saved. However, I have to that I don't think my problems are that I've fallen for the Disney Myth. 

I come from a divorced family. My father left my mother for a woman 10 years his junior, he left not only my mother but also my 6 month old baby sister and my 8 year old self. 

My parent's are not the only ones in my family who are divorced. Of my six aunts and uncles only two are not (or were never) divorced - yet one was married to a philanderer and the other to an alcoholic abuser. Of the divorced/divorcees one aunt is on husband #5! I never had (what I would consider) "healthy relationship models" growing up. 

This is what say is the foundation of my inability to find a healthy and stable relationship for longer than 2 years. I've always built walls around myself to help stop others from getting in and hurting me. But then on the flip side, I also always hope/believe that "this time" and/or "this relationship" will be different and I won't fall into the patterns of the generation before me. 

So yes, Disney has filled my head (and others) with knights in shining armor, frogs that turn into princes, and being saved from less-than-ideal lives by being swept off my feet.... but I have thoughts of how to leave a relationship the first time a fist is swung or violent words thrown, how to stand up for yourself and keep your safety/sanity/self first. Disney may be f***ed up but in the end it's only the tip of my disfunctionality iceberg.

Wondering

"Have you ever wondered ...

How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why hasn’t he texted? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Why doesn’t he make a move? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on in this relationship? Is it him or is it me?

Ah, men. Mystifying men.

And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, exciting fun-filled dates, a single perfect rose, delicious kisses and more?" (excerpt from Aha! Understanding the mind games men play by Psychologist Diana Kirschner unveils mysteries of ‘deadly dating patterns’)

So let me say that I have not read (nor do I intend to read) this woman's book "Love in 90 days". However, being that I'm going through a particularly frustrating (see also sad, depressed, angry, and confused) time I have been trolling for advice, words-of-wisdom and/or common experiences online. 

I have spent years falling too hard, too fast, for men who are all words. Finally met a man I feel madly in love with, and then spent two years waiting for him to step up and act on his words. 

When I finally said enough was enough did I go and find myself someone the exact opposite of what I had found in the past? 

No, of course not. I found myself Mr. CT. A man who made me weak in the knees, gave me butterflies in my stomach, sweet talked me into believing we had a special connection and then *poof* GONE. No words of "it's not working out" or "I just don't feel a spark". Just gone.

I'm tired of being told I'm the girl you bring home to mom but then never is. I'm tired of being told you think I'm beautiful but then left to feel like a leper. I'm tired of watching family and friends pairing up and procreating only to then look at me with sad eyes and be told "don't worry, it'll happen for you".  Tired of games and being told men are just "scared of commitment". Tired of men who are just talk, or just looking to get me into bed, or just looking to stroke their own ego. Tired of feeling I've done something wrong to push them away. Tired of feeling like I'm intentionally picking emotionally obtuse men. Tired of feeling like I'm not tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough. Tired of allowing these thoughts in my head. I'm tired of all the bull shit.

*Deep Breath* 

Okay....obviously needed to get that out... Truth is I am just tired of it all.

I came across this photo (-->) on Pinterest and I knew it rang true. I don't think I'm trying to force "love" with anyone but I definitely am a romantic in my core and can't help falling sometimes for a sweet smile and sweet words. I just wish that I'd stop falling for men who can just easily toss me aside like last nights leftovers.

Is Age Really Just a Number?

        

The inspiration for this blog came from the dating site I'm a member of. Despite being very smitten with Mr. CT - I'm trying to "keep my options open" (as a friend so wisely recommended) and have not closed my profile. I'm not on the site searching through other people's pages, but am leaving mine up for others to contact me (I know this isn't the way to find a date but really I'm more interested in seeing what happens with Mr. CT than anything else at this point). 

Anyway. I've noticed that either mostly men over 40 are looking at my profile (you can see who has viewed you recently on this site) or there are only mostly over 40 men on this website.

Is it because by 40+ men don't feel the same pressure as younger men to conform and date "super model" looking woman? Is it because they're looking for a younger woman to make them feel young? Or is it just something about me that appeals to older men?

Not that I want to judge all older men based off my first-first date experience but I think that date showed me that there might be an age limit for me. Someone who hasn't experienced everything I've yet to (marriage/divorce, traveling, etc) or at least wants to do them again (i.e., have children).  I understand the benefits of the "older man" - ready to settle down, done with the "bachelor lifestyle", secure in job/finances....but I think for me ten years older is really my maximum. Anything over that and I start playing the mental "Are you closer to my age or my mother's?" game (fyi Mr. 1st 1st Date was closer to my mothers....eek)

On the reverse side I definitely feel that there is a limit to how young I could/would date. 

Yesterday I saw a 20 year old had viewed my profile. Now he didn't make contact but the first thing I thought when I saw his age (age mind you not profile/picture) was "Oh hell no!".

Mostly because my younger sister is only 20 and since I helped raise her after my parents divorced I some how can't get the Baby C's Age = Child (I still call her and her bf "The Kids")... which brings me to her boyfriend... he's 22 and I still don't think I could date someone that young. Sure they're old enough to go to the bars (where a 20 year old can't even do that!)... but I'd forever thing Mr. X = Same Age as Nick-Nick.

No thank you.

I think the youngest I could go... probably only a year or two younger than myself... or at least for now. I've been out of school for five years, have worked at a number of businesses and organizations as well as moved around a bit. Just like I don't want to be with someone who has experienced much more life than I have I don't want to be with someone who is still discovering who they are. (Not to say younger people haven't "lived" more than I).

However, as a general rule of thumb I don't (or at least try not to) prejudge based on age. I'll engage in conversation, reply to an email, but I can't help but wonder how much farther than a "hello" it will go.

What about you? How much older/younger have you dated?

Patterns.

As you know, I rejoined the dating world recently....as for when I became "single" again that's up for debate...but the point is I hoped back on the dating wagon.   And I'm wondering has anyone ever found themselves repeating a dating pattern?

I'm not talking about always dating brunettes or people with blue eyes; I'm talking about patterns of behavior, of choice, and of consequences. 

CBS News had a segment back in 09 about "Breaking Your Disastrous Dating Patterns" with Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of "Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love," and the they list the "Most Common Deadly Dating Patterns"(why is the news always so over dramatic?).  Of these "Deadly Dating Patterns" I suppose I fall into all four....

"Every woman falls into terrible patterns, Kirschner observes, adding that, if any woman looks at past relationships, she would fall into one or more of these categories: "The Hermit," "The Flameout," the "I Will Make You Love Me," and the "Not Perfect, I Will Pass."....well now, I do not believe that every woman falls into terrible patterns.I do believe that lately I'm starting to see patterns in my own dating.

Not necessarily "bad" patterns...unless I think too long on it and then I see them as self-destructive and they take on the form of giant brick walls guarding me...keeping me from being "really" hurt (whatever the hell that means). 

They're possibly patterns of avoidance, falling for men thousands of miles away, patterns of men who fall hard and quick for me as I them, patterns of falling for Mr. (Feels) Right too quick. 

I'm trying to keep my options open....not deleting my dating site account, not snubbing anyone who might email me, or those who I have been emailing with....but I have met someone. Someone who stirs things in me I haven't felt since Mr. Hong Kong and I first started dating. 

I know that these could very easily be because Mr. Connecticut is playing to my more traditional sides by asking permission to call me....Sickening sweet I know but I'm a sucker for sweet and traditional. (Also, can I just interject here that Mr. CT has called me every day for the past five days? More than Mr. Hong Kong ever did...not that I'm here to compare men/relationships)

My concern is that he's nearly 3,000 miles away. I feel that I'm developing a pattern of falling for non-local men so that I don't have to worry about the person-to-person closeness/intimacy. 

Yes, I found him on a website for people who are and prefer plus size folks....

Yes, he's expressed the fact that I am very much his type (both mentally and physically)....

Yes, he is very much my type (mentally and physically -  within the limitations of what we know about each other at this point)....but that's just my point! 

Why couldn't I find a man "my type" here in Portland? 

Why am I repulsed, time and time again,
by the men who express interest in me locally? 

Am I being too picky? 

Am I being not picky enough?

First Date - Mission Accomplished?

The following was written my my way home last night from my first "first date" in forever. 

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For anyone reading this who may have a first date in their future, I have a few of my own "do nots" for you....

• Do not be afraid to be over dressed. 
• Do not interrupt her while she's talking. 
• Do not make her buy her own drinks if YOU asked HER out. (This goes the other way around too!).
• Do not talk about dying relatives.
• Do not ask your date if she wants kids some day (its too early in the "relationship"). 
• Do not ask if you've caught her on the rebound. 
• And most of all do not leave the house without brushing your teeth.

Now let me start off by saying it was good to "get back on the horse". The first time after a break up is the hardest. And while I'm glad I got it done and over with on some level it was a complete BUST! 

So where to start? 

Maybe I'm a little old fashioned but I feel like when I ask you "Where do you want to go?" you should have an opinion! 

He asked me out and just kept saying "wherever you want to go" but even after I narrowed it down to two locations STILL couldn't tell me which he preferred. I even recommended he check out the websites - this might have also helped him realize old faded jeans, stained t-shirt and running shoes was going to make him look under dressed. It was a first date, I didn't pick a place (and yes, I eventually picked where we went) with a dress code but wear a button down shirt or at least one that fits and isn't stained! 

Before I left for my date I mentioned being so nervous I could throw up - a friend recommended hitting my date's shoes and not his tie (because a tie is harder to clean). Well there was no tie and his sneakers looked like someone else had beat me to the vomiting. 

Okay, attire aside (because we didn't discuss clothing quality/expectations before the date)...can we talk about bad breath and yellow stained teeth? Can we talk about not using the word "prick" or the phrase "like African...you know not African American but real Africa" when describing stretched earlobes, using air quotes while talking about his sister's Life Partner or talking about his dying brother in a flippant "he's a smoker" manner.

Gentleman (and Ladies) let me insert this - sometimes when people (i.e., me) are nervous they talk.  Talking doesn't equal "not nervous" and thus do not interrupt your date to say "You aren't nervous". 

It is also natural for a conversation to flow from topic to topic and change direction. It is not okay to cut the other person off and say "Well back to what you asked me a few minutes ago..." It's rude and makes the person (me) feel like what they (I'm) saying is unimportant and not worth hearing. 

Yes, I have my first "first date" under my belt. However if it did anything it reaffirmed my belief in:

1) Long Distance Relationships can and are a good thing

2) Meeting single Portland men online isn't for me.

3) Breaking up with my ex might have been the worse thing I could have ever done.

I'm going to bed now regretting the past few months and wishing I could wash the date out of my mind.

Wizards, Mug shots & Fetishes

Dear Men-Online (Ladies, you can benefit from these lessons too),

I have no problems with online dating; my last relationship started online and I've started the online dating process again. What I do have a problem with is you not understanding that basic human social skills are still needed even if you are picking me up on the internet and not a downtown bar. I understand that you can be anyone or anything you want to be online - however, this doesn't mean you should to be obnoxious, repugnant and downright sleazy!

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Tip #1 - when selecting your handle realize what you think is humorous and playful might come across as desperate and slimy. 

Examples:

Love69yes ...all I see is GetMy#Not Thank you for being open and upfront, however, this handle does not make me warm for your form

Titanic73  makes me think giant mistake and freezing to death in the middle of the Atlantic, not that you have a large penis.

Having the word Wizard in your handle conjures images of a Wolowitz man-child living in his mother's basement.

Tip #2 - Drivers Licenses and mug shots should not be your profile picture.

Please remember you're on these sites to ATTRACT someone not repulse them. Try to smile. Even if you think it's the worst smile ever and you have spinach between your teeth - at least you're smiling. Looking angry and/or constipated is not sexy. 

Oh and a little side tip, don't have all the pictures be of your "guns" and asking me to "look at these pythons".

Tip #3 - Keep your fetishes to yourself until at least our second or third email. There needs to be some element of surprise between us doesn't there?

Asking me "would you fart for me?" is not a pick up line I'm accustomed too....Telling me you consider yourself an "Encourager" and not a "Feeder" and then saying "We'll see" when I tell you I'm not interested in gaining weight for your sexual pleasure..... 

These are perhaps not openers.

However, these are just my personal preferences and if they've worked for you up to this point well than perhaps I'm the one who needs to rethink online dating. 

Sincerely,

Me.

PS. When a woman asks you "What's your name?" the proper response is not "Nice rack."

Missing You

I miss you.
I miss you and I can't tell you I miss you.

Almost a month of missing you.
Almost a month of missing you and keeping it to myself.

I thought I'd miss you less just because you were never physically around in the first place.
I was wrong.

I manage to have days when I don't think of you...
But just because I don't think of you doesn't mean I don't miss you.

That first week I waited to hear from you...
Waited for an email or text telling me not to go...
Telling me you loved me.
It never came.

Just because I was the one to say goodbye doesn't mean my love for you isn't still there.

I wish you would read this and feel how my heart aches.
How I feel like my emotions are ready to burst.
I wish you knew how much I missed you and still could call you mine.

What's Best for Me.

 

This is sort of how I've been feeling the past few days. 

Down with the world falling on my head but knowing that things...
Life...could be worse. 

In March my boyfriend and I had our first huge fight. It resulted in a 24-hour "break up" but by the end of the next day we were back together - realizing words were said in the heat of the moment and not truly meant. We patched things up and tried to make things better. 

Without going into it things too much, this past weekend I told him I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep coming in last behind his job and the rest of his life....I felt like an afterthought. 

He still is the love of my life and it's hard to imagine him not being there ten...twenty...thirty years down the line. And (without being disillusioned or getting my hopes up) he might be. I don't know. For now though it just isn't meant to be. 

I haven't really told people (expect one friend) mostly because we "broke-up" not that long ago and the last thing I need right now is a "I told you so"..."See?" or the even worse "You deserve better". What I need is for understanding that this is a hard time right now. 

I haven't cried. 

Not really. 

I suppose part of me is still in shock.
Waiting to wake up and have in next to me and this all be a bad dream. 

I love him. 

What can I say? 

It hurts but I need to survive. 

I need to do what's best for me.

Coming Out Fat.

A friend recently posted a link to this article called "Guys Who Like Fat Chicks" (from the Village Voice) on her facebook page. I was a little hesitant about reading it but I trust her judgement and most times agree or like the other articles she posts. 

Here's a link to the article.

Okay. So I'm not sure why articles always feel like they have to parallel their cause with coming out as gay....but this article doesn't linger on it for long. It is nice to see an article that addresses the "FA" and not just BBW's with pride. A little on the long side (and pretty heavy on a single interviewee) but a good read nonetheless. 

I'm always excited/interested to read articles addressing the topic of plus size (the term I prefer to identify with) people (not just women) having normal relationships. That we (and the people who find us attractive) are not freaks of nature, we're not abnormal or something to be hidden and only talked about behind closed doors.  

*     *      *

I come from a family of curvy women - not all of them are plus size, but there are few without hips, butts, breasts and other curves. 

I was destined to be a curvy lady. 

At my smallest (obviously post-puberty) I was a 14 and at my largest (a few years ago) was a size 28 (at around 280lbs). Today I'm around 260 and a size 26. 

I'm not ashamed. I'm not trying to hide my body behind muumuus and oversized sweats. 

It's true I say I "carry my weight well" because I think I do. I dress stylish and appropriate and have had people assume my weight/size was smaller than what it was in actuality. 

It's also true that I'm currently in the middle of a "28 Day Challenge" in which I'm trying to have more exercise in my daily life. I'm not doing that because I'm ashamed of how I look. I'm doing it so I can feel healthier, so I can battle the Seasonal Depression that knocks you over when living in such a grey part of the country.

*     *     *

I've had boyfriends, when I was, from one extreme of weight to another. None (that I know) of them came out as "Fat Admirers" but obviously they liked a little extra something since they were dating me. Most of them were "breast-men" and as you can see I've got them covered there. 

Even with a fair number of beaus growing up (five in the first year and a half of HS before dating my "high school sweetheart" the remaining two years) I did struggle with self esteem issues around my weight. After my HS sweetheart and I broke up I went through a depression that really took it (the wanting to date) out of me. I just didn't feel attractive or desirable. He didn't tell me I was fat, or give me an ultimatum to lose weight. We just broke up (like you do when you're in high school).

For the most part (after highschool) I just wasn't interested in dating. I did toy around with internet dating here and there. I remember one date I went on. He took me to see the (newer) Planet of the Apes. (Yippee?) I didn't even bother asking him up afterwards. I said "Thanks, have a good night" and closed the car door.

Then there was the guy in college. The rebel who drank vodka out of a 7-up bottle during our English Freshman seminar. The smooth talker who, when I was upset with him, would spout lines from cheesy romance movies (I'm talking "You complete me" level). The one who as soon as I slept with him wouldn't give me the time of day....yeah not a highlight in the Men-In-My-Life.

Then somewhere a few years ago things changed - I opened up to the idea of dating again and as a result met my sweetie. (See our love story here). 

*     *     *

I think it's wonderful that more and more people are "coming out" as appreciators and admirers of curvy/plump/heavy/plus-size women and men...let's not forget those of us who appreciate a stockier built man. 

I'm a plus size woman. I like men with meat on their bones. I like someone who enjoys going out and trying new food and doesn't expect me to eat a garden salad when there's pasta on the menu (I mean really now I'm 1/2 Italian!)

It bothers me sometimes when I see/hear friends express feelings about being unattractive. Everyone is desirable to someone. I truly believe that you just need to embrace yourself and see yourself as deserving and desirable before you can expect others too (or at least before you can expect to start noticing that others do already)

To close I just have this to say. 

If you don't understand how or why someone is attracted to me.... Just don't worry about it, no one's making you take me out in the first place.

You Won't Let Me Go

"I want you, I need you
I'm all packed up to go
But darlin', if you love me
You won't let me go

If a love's a true love
It never runs smooth you know
So if your love is a true love
You won't let me go

If you don't say you love me
I'm gonna walk right
Out the door
And I'll hope that you'll stop me
So I can hear you
Call me darlin' once more


I tell you I love you, yes I love you
With all my heart and soul
So darlin' if you love me
You won't let me go

Hey, I love you know, I say, I love you
Oh, with all my heart and soul
So darlin' well if you love me
I know you won't let me go
Girl, I know you won't let me go

Oh yes"

("You Won't Let Me Go", Ray Charles, Pure Genius)

Vibrators on a Shelf Near You

Vibrators Carry the Conversation

By Hilary Howard

Toothpaste? Check.
Tampons? Check.
Vibrator? Check!

For years, vibrators were bought quietly in sex shops, and later online, arriving in discreet unmarked packages. They were rarely discussed, other than perhaps during a late-night girl-talk session fueled by many glasses of pinot grigio. But now you can find them advertised on MTV and boldly displayed at Duane Reade, Walgreens and other mainstream drugstores, mere steps from the Bengay and Dr. Scholl’s.

The newest model on the shelves is the Tri-Phoria ($39.99), created by the condom company Trojan after a study the company conducted in 2008 in partnership with the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University revealed that over half of American women had used vibrators, and of that group, nearly 80 percent had shared them with their partners. James Daniels, vice president for marketing at Trojan, said: “The idea really came from consumers. They kept telling us vibrators, vibrators. And we just laughed. And then we realized they were serious.”

The Tri-Phoria joins the A:Muse Personal Pleasure Massager by LifeStyles, which arrived in stores in January, and the Allure, by Durex, which made its over-the-counter debut in 2008; both models are $19.99. Alan Cheung, senior brand manager for Durex, said that sales of the company’s vibrating products are up 60 percent over the last six months, compared with the same period last year. “Consumers are definitely not shy about this kind of purchase in the retail environment,” he said.

This comes as no surprise to Rachel Venning, a founder of Babeland, a chain of sex-toy stores that opened a store in family-friendly Park Slope, Brooklyn, in 2008 to nary a ripple of protest. “I know women will buy them at Duane Reade, and as a lifelong cheerleader for sexual empowerment I’m thrilled at this development,” Ms. Venning said. “It’s one more step in the evolution of vibrators to just another consumer product, unburdened of its freight of shame, sexual defect and sluttiness.”

Liz Canner, who directed the 2009 documentary “Orgasm Inc.,” agrees. Her film confronted pharmaceutical companies that suggested women were dysfunctional, and therefore needed some sort of medicinal or therapeutic help, if they could not climax during sex. “It’s easier in a repressed culture to have a disorder than go to a sex store and get a vibrator,” Ms. Canner said in a recent interview. “Vibrators have been shown to enhance sexual pleasure for over 100 years now. Why not partake?”

Vibrators made occasional cultural cameos in the 1990s, with scenes in films like “She’s the One” and “Slums of Beverly Hills.” But it wasn’t until an episode of HBO’s “Sex and the City” —called “The Turtle and the Hare,” featuring an actual device called the Rabbit Pearl — that the vibrator truly emerged from the nightstand drawer.

“ ‘Sex and the City’ did as much for women’s sexual comfort as really anything has done in the past couple of decades,” said Dr. Laura Berman of “In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman,” on OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network.

Dr. Berman, a prominent sex and relationship expert, also has a line of sex toys (drlauraberman.com), which she said grossed $5 million in 2010, up from $100,000 in 2005. After one appearance on “Oprah” that focused on adult women who had problems climaxing, one of her top-selling products, the Aphrodite, “was back-ordered forever,” she said. And in 2006 she sparked a national debate when she encouraged mothers to buy vibrators for their teenage daughters. “If she gets hot and bothered on a date,” Dr. Berman said about the daughter, “she can go home and self-stimulate, instead of getting pregnant.”

(Of course, a plastic battery-powered device is not needed for self-stimulation, but there is no market potential in that idea.)

Assessing the vibrator’s current ubiquity, Dr. Berman said, “Women are getting less and less caught up on an unrealistic and puritanical vision of what a good girl is. When they can embrace their self-stimulation, they can take ownership of their sexuality.”

Men interviewed proclaimed themselves not only unthreatened by the addition of accessories to their partners’ sex lives, but downright enthusiastic. Jeremy, 31, a content strategist in the entertainment business who lives in New York and wanted his last name omitted for privacy, said, “From my perspective, a woman who has thoroughly explored her own body, both alone and with or without whichever toys she finds interesting, makes for a significantly better lover.”

Kate, 29, a programming coordinator in New York who has been Jeremy’s girlfriend for a year and a half, calls herself “an evangelist for vibrators.” In college, she recalled seeing a Hello Kitty-themed one. “I wanted it just because it was kitschy and cool,” she said. “I thought it was so ridiculous that I ended up doing a bit more research and started to take it seriously.”

Kate, a devoted Babeland customer, said that at one point she asked her friends to pool their money and buy her a fancy vibrator for her birthday, which she promised to review for them.

And when Lou, 44, who lives on Long Island and has been married to Sarah, 47, for 20 years, was found to have prostate cancer, he used a make-your-own vibrator kit to make a mold of himself for his wife before having surgery.

“It never entered my mind that, oh, my God, this was bad,” he said.

Carol Queen, who is the curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum and a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, a sex-toy retailer since 1977 that bills itself as the “original clean well-lit place to buy vibrators,” attributes more-honest discussions about sex and pleasure to fear of H.I.V./AIDS in the early 1990s, which led to frank discussions about condoms. She also mentioned a shift in published erotica at that time.

“There was something of a pendulum swing from the sex conservatism of the ’80s to the lively sex publishing of the ’90s, zines, anthologies, small presses,” she said. “Then people in more-mainstream venues heard about toys. As soon as mainstream culture looks at an issue, it becomes fair game for everyone else.”

And now, thanks to Suki Dunham, 43, vibrators also have an iPhone app.

Ms. Dunham, a former business manager for Apple, was a stay-at-home mother for four years before founding OhMiBod, a line of vibrators that synchronize rhythmically with iPods, iPads, iPhones and other smartphones. (But, she said, “Our product line won’t be sold at the Apple store any time soon.”) She got the idea after her husband, Brian, who was then traveling frequently for his job at Tyco, gave her an iPod and a vibrator for Christmas.

He later quit to help his wife market her invention, which has faced some hurdles. Nylon Magazine refused to run an ad, Ms. Dunham said. And the federal Small Business Administration denied her loan application because they said she ran a “prurient” business.

“I can sit with my 10-year-old daughter during prime-time TV and watch a commercial for Viagra,” Mr. Dunham said, “but I can’t advertise our OhMiBod fan page within Facebook.”

OhMiBod’s Freestyle :G is more expensive than the drugstore versions, at $120, a price comparable to other models from Jimmyjane, Lelo and Je Joue. Perhaps the top of the line is the Lelo Inez, which for $13,500 offers a “virtually silent” engine, according to the company, and either a 18-karat gold-plated or stainless steel finish.

But inconspicuous consumption remains the industry standard. Dr. Berman said she packages her toys in what look like “perfume boxes.” Trojan offers a discreet lavender box. Passion Parties is a direct sales company that offers products at in-home parties, during which women place orders with a salesclerk in a private room. “We don’t have a porn star on the package. To us that’s just degrading,” said Pat Davis, the company president. “There is still a strong desire for the confidentiality of it.”

The ability to shop online has surely helped the rising popularity of vibrators; Good Vibrations’s business has grown by 60 percent since the ’90s. “I am all about the Internet,” said Ellie, 32, a student and Babeland customer in Old Town, Me. “People want them, but they don’t want to go to the creepy stores with the creepy people.”

But the creep factor has also decreased significantly since vibrators began to be portrayed in popular culture. Dr. Berman’s vibrating panties appeared in the 2009 movie “The Ugly Truth,” starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. “That scene would not have been in a major Hollywood movie 10 years ago,” Dr. Berman said. Her products were also in a recent episode of “Private Practice” on ABC, though they remained in the boxes. And Kandi Burruss, a singer-songwriter and one of Bravo’s “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” has decided to create a line of vibrators with Ms. Dunham’s help.

The history of the device is an ongoing source of fascination. In a poke at early 1960s prudishness, an episode in the first season of “Mad Men” featured a wired girdle called the Electrosizer. Sarah Ruhl’s critically acclaimed 2009 Broadway play, “In the Next Room (or the vibrator play),” explored the socio-cultural reasons behind the invention of the vibrator, which was to treat “hysterical” women medically, in the 1880s.

And “Hysteria,” a romantic comedy in post-production that will star Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh Dancy, will recount the same point in Victorian history. The plot revolves around Mr. Dancy’s character, a young earnest doctor who takes a job massaging women’s pelvises into “paroxysms.” But when the doctor develops carpal tunnel syndrome, his best friend (Rupert Everett), who is obsessed with electricity, invents a device that has impressively efficient curative powers.

“Americans are ready to laugh at the vibrator as a medical device,” said Tanya Wexler, the director of “Hysteria,” whose movie takes a winking look at what Ms. Canner alludes to in her documentary: the medical treatment of women who aren’t perfectly orgasmic — about which Ms. Wexler feels similarly perplexed.

“People don’t need doctors for it,” she said “They just need a little bit of freedom.”