Thursday, May 20, 2010


So I'm not sure how the conversation happened...

Really it wasn't so much a "conversation" has a comment that seems to be repeated occasionally...

We were sitting in the living room, the family talking about our days at work, my sister tormenting and chasing the cats - when out of her mouth:

"I want a real little niece or nephew. One of flesh and blood."

...She then went back to playing with the cats...

What do you say to that?

"Yes honey. I am planning on having kids but in a few years. Once I'm no longer living with you and Mom, my boyfriend and I are no longer doing a 7000 mile long distance relationship and we've been married a few years"

I somehow feel that isn't the answer she would be looking for.

I am looking forward to kids someday. I love kids. I'm just not ready to have them now.

I am thoroughly amazed at how many people I know that have babies. People my age who not only have a baby but have MULTIPLE children. Those who I have met I adore. Sweet little faces eager to climb and explore.
But I'm only 27.

This isn't 14th century England when I would have to be worrying about producing heirs, passing along my lineage and having children before the Great Famine killed me off. I still have plenty of "child-bearing" years left

So what's the hurray?

My mother was 29 when she had me and 37 when she had my sister. Sure there are days when she feels "too old" to have a young, spry and handful of a 19 year old. In a way though, I think that's what has helped keep my mom young. You can't be a tired-run-down middle aged person when you're running after your five year old!

I once discussed this breeding-like-bunnies phenomenon to my mother. Her logic was how this often happens to people from small rural towns. True there isn't much going on in our Podunk town but LORD ALMIGHTY there is something called BIRTH CONTROL!!!

*     *     *

Sorry. Momentary political/social stand moment there... {{climbs off soap box}}

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When she said this I mentioned how while this was true for some it wasn't the majority...that most had gotten out of town and graduated from college. 

Now that I write that I wonder.....

Okay. Numbers time.

Number of social network friends: 257
Number with only one child (and my age group): 12
Number with two or more children: 23
Number of these who had their children after getting a college education: 7

So maybe I was wrong....but why all these babies?


I will admit there have been times when the "biological clock" has ticked away so loud I thought I'd go deaf. tick...tick...tick... Once or twice I'd catch myself looking at a baby in a stroller and think "I want one" but then I'd catch myself and smack myself back into reality. tick...tick...tick... There is so much I want to do before I have kids. Places I want to travel and explore with my sweetie before our money is being saved for little league uniforms and college tuition. tick...tick...tick... Not to mention being financially secure and stable enough to bring another life into this world. 

I'm not talking about waiting until I'm 50 or breaking some world record. I'm just talking a few years.

I admire those who have made it work. I see the hard work and dedication they put towards their families but I also see dreams and ambitions slipping away. 

I'm not ready for that. 

Be patient with me. Give me some time to explore and I promise there will be the pitter-patter of feet someday. 

For now...someone hit the snooze button on that DAMN clock!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Brainstorming Identity

This topic is something that has been bouncing around in my mind for some time now. And I'm not really sure how to put my thoughts to paper - so I apologize if this blog entry seems scattered, disconnected or down right random.

I have been trying to do some research into being a 20-something and embracing your identity...finding yourself culturally. After all there is a difference between "country-you-live-in" identity and "country-of-ancestry" identity.

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"Identity is what distinguishes heritage from history...we cannot avoid our heritage. It is, after all, what makes us what we are."  - Embracing Identity: Dawn Editorial
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"What are you?" has never really been a question I was asked. I have "white" (rosy-olive toned) skin, light brown eyes and...well I've been coloring my hair for so long I don't know what color it is anymore.

Words/phrases like "dawg" and "my homie" just sound foreign and silly coming out of my mouth. In college I had friends who would think of slang-words for me to say just to get a laugh -- I'd indulge them occasionally.

Recently though I have had an influx of questions and assumptions about my "identity".

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" the United States, people just weren't satisfied until
they'd put their mental stamp on you." - Emma Flack Martin
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The woman at the nail salon (and no, not the one who asked if my sister was my daughter but her co-worker) mid-conversation looked at me and bluntly asked, "What are you?". I was taken aback, having never been asked this as far as I can remember. When I didn't answer right away she asked me what my nationality was - apparently assuming I didn't understand her first question. I explained I was English and German on one side and Italian on the other.

She didn't say anything. No nod of acknowledgment. No look of acceptance or confusion. She just put her head down and went back to doing my nails.

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"Most of us primarily think of ourselves in terms of one or two identities; yet those self-perceptions do not take away the complexity of who we are."
- Embracing Identity: Dawn Editorial
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Then there is a guy on the bus who, whenever he says good morning or tries to engage me in conversation, will only speak Spanish. He looks to be of Pacific Islander or Asian decent and have heard him speak English to others on the it's not that he himself only speaks Spanish. Since I have no desire to "make friends" on the bus when he greets me "Buenos Dias", I smile politely say "Good Morning" and put my head phones on.

I never thought I looked Hispanic...but who knows? My Aunt has been mistaken as Mexican before while living in San Diego. Though she has much darker complexion than I do.

*     *     *
"I've finally learned that no matter one's race or culture, part of society will always have a problem accepting anything that varies from the norm.
What remains important is that I embrace my whole self." - Emma Flack Martin
*     *     *

I do embrace who I am. I love and appreciate all that my family has given to me. The stories of mothers and fathers before me have become part of me. There is still something more I'm looking for...a connection to traditions, to ritual, to know who those faces are in the old photographs I stumble upon, to know names and their feel more connected.