Goodbye 20s

The more I go through life and blog about it the more I realize I'm not trying to "survive" being a 20-something...I'm just living life.

Blogging about my relationship (that has been around longer than my blog) with Mr. No-longer-in-HK, friendships that go south because I believe in faithfulness, white hairs, struggling with the plummet from middle management to entry level, dressing (and being comfortable) in this body of mine... these aren't solely "20-something" dilemmas.

This is just life.

So as I quickly enter the last year of my 20s (I turn 29 in 25 days) I am saying goodbye to "Surviving 20-Something" and starting a new blog.

A New Year.
A (soon-to-be) New Decade.
A New Blog.
A New Beginning.

So thank you to those who have followed me on my 20-something journey. I hope you'll continue to follow me at "Caution! Reality Check"

Ready to Turn 30?

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly obsessing with (almost) being 30....?

Yes, my birthday is 2 1/2 months away but I'll be turning 29 not 30.

Maybe it's because I'm a "planner". I like to be prepared...like to know what to expect before something (large) happens. Plan ahead for any possible unexpected twists and turns.

This way, starting to think about the "Big 3-0" before it happens, I have time to get my life (somewhat) to a place that I'm (more) happy with.

I came across these "Tips All 30-Year-Old Women Should Know Before 30" in Madame Noire. And I thought it might be useful to go through these tips and see how "ready" I am.

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Tip #1 How to cook a complete gourmet meal: "You don’t have to be Betty Crocker to know how to cook at least one decent meal. Maybe you can only whip up one complete meal, but anything beats spaghetti as your ‘specialty’. Everyone should know how to cook a meal edible enough for not only yourself, but guests as well."

Haha! I've got this one nooooo problem! I'm known for my cooking. I pride myself in my cooking. I love throwing dinner parties for large groups and/or small intimate dinners for two. I definitely know how to cook more than "at least one decent meal." 

Consider this one "Checked"

Tip #2 How to manage your finances: "Shopping until you drop or broke, whichever comes first, is definitely something that should be left in your 20s. Before turning 30, women should have a savings account, an emergency fund, and a checking account complete with next month’s expenses. In addition, knowing how to manage your money and not let it manage you is another trait you should possess before you turn 30."

Okay so this one I still need work on. (See this is why I'm starting to think about being 30 over a year ahead of schedule). I do have a retirement fund with my company, I have a checking account, have recently paid off a credit card (that hadn't been paid off properly...eek) and haven't had a bounced check in a while. However, if I lost my job tomorrow I'd be f***ed. I don't have a savings account and I have (maybe) just over $100.00 in my bank account (hooray for payday coming soon). However, now that the credit card has been paid off and 1/2 my monthly paychecks aren't going to pay off furniture from 6-7 years ago....I'm planning on starting to tuck away money for a nest egg (and hopefully not allowing my shoe fetish to eat away at it).

For now, I'll mark this one as "In Progress"

Tip #3 How to live alone: "If you’re accustomed to city life where living accommodations can become quite costly, you either have or have had your fair share of roommates; but before turning 30, if your funds permit, you should have experienced living on your own sans a friend, roommate, boyfriend, or especially parents."

Holy smokes am I ready for this again. I lived alone for a number of years however, because of relocation and financial situations I've been living with roommates and/or family for the last four years (give or take). Now it's time to start saving the money and find my own place again... hopefully long before I turn 30!

Checked and In Progress

Tip #4 What you will or won’t do for love or money: "Maybe you’ll air out your business on a reality show for a little extra change, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll spend your 30s attempting to be a basketball wife or maybe you’d prefer to make your own money. Whatever your choice, you should know before turning 30 what you will or won’t do for love or money. Understanding yourself and your limits is very important."

I don't think I've ever really thought much about it. But I think I'm pretty secure in myself, my values and my choices that I know what I would or wouldn't do for money and/or love. But I don't have a list in my wallet or anything. 

Checked.

Tip #5 How to have a healthy relationship with the other sex: "You’ve dealt with the cheaters, or maybe you were the cheater. You’ve been lied to or done the lying. You’ve had your heart broken and possibly broke a few hearts in the process. But through the negative, you’ve experienced a somewhat stable relationship with a man (other than your father). You’ve realized that men and women are completely different and our thought processes are even more distinct. Still, you’ve learned to work around the differences and how to sustain a healthy relationship with a man."

I have to say I laughed at the "other than your father" piece... but my "daddy-issues" aside and the list of "unhealthy" relationships I may or may not have had. I think I have had "healthy relationship(s) with the other sex". There are, of course, some bumps in the road with any and all relationships. 

Checked and In Progress

Tip #6 How to have a healthy relationship with yourself: "Before 30 you should know that you are worth the investment, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You understand that beauty is only skin deep and that keeping yourself up physically is on half of the battle. Before 30 you should know how to have a healthy relationship with yourself or at least on the path to doing so."

I have the occasional moment of amnesia but for the most part yea...I got this covered.

Check.

Tip #7 How to dress according to your shape, size, and style: "By 30 you should know that everything doesn’t look good on everybody. With that in mind, you know what works for your body shape, what colors compliment you the best, and different looks to don on different occasions. Simply put, you know exactly how to look fabulous."

You mean that "Juicy" written across my butt and buying tees from the Junior section isn't a smart idea? Oh.... DUH!!! I love clothes. I love fine tuning my style. And I think I do it very well. So consider this:

Checked!

Tip #8 How to pick your battles wisely: "By now you should know that every argument doesn’t require a response. Learning to choose your battles wisely is a characteristic that comes with getting older."

Yea. So we're not ending on the best note. I still have a lot to learn about picking my battles. But then I'm a stubborn hot blooded Italian woman. Oh well. I knew I wouldn't be 100% ready (according to Madame Noir) to turn 30. 

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Anyone out there 30+ with other tips or suggestions for preparing for the big ol' 3-0?

A Thrisis?

20 Somethings - Get ready for a "Thrisis"

By Andrea Lavinthal and Jessical Rozler

(CNN) -- Despite lackluster reviews and declining ratings we're holding out hope for "$#*! My Dad Says," the new CBS comedy starring William Shatner. No, we're not particularly big fans of the 79-year-old actor, but we do appreciate the prime-time sitcom's realistic portrayal of adulthood.

For those who don't know, the show is based on the wildly popular Twitter feed of Justin Halpern, a comedy writer who moved back into his parents' house in his late 20s and started documenting the hilarious -- and profanity-laced -- musings of his father.

With more and more adults living under the same roof as their parents -- 85 percent of college seniors planned to return home after graduation, according to a recent poll) -- one thing is for certain: For most 20-somethings, and a lot of 30-somethings, the road to becoming a genuine grown-up, minus the air quotes, is an increasingly long one.

Sure, delaying the onset of adulthood isn't exactly breaking news, but here's what is: People are finally paying attention to the late 20s and early 30s, that gray zone when you're not young enough to be young and not old enough to be old.

Forget the quarterlife crisis -- that post-college moment of clarity when you realize that working at a job actually requires -- you know -- work.

This is a "thrisis" -- an uneasiness people experience as they hit the big 3-0. Or the big 3-uh-oh, as we like to call it.

These feelings of anxiety crept into our own lives as we left our 20s. Our peers -- whether single or married, with or without children, unemployed or climbing the corporate ladder -- had to two primary questions as they neared 30:

• Is this what it feels like to be an adult?

• And am I normal?

(Spoiler: The answer to both questions is most likely "yes.")

While a discussion of 20-somethings inevitably turns into a lament about the younger generation, with their buffet-of-life choices, lack of responsibility, and refusal to grow up, here's the truth: This isn't your mother's 30.

These choices come with the pressure to not only have it all, but to make it perfect -- the HGTV-worthy house, gifted children, high-powered career, and soul mate. A tough current economic climate has made it difficult for people of all ages to mark the "traditional" adult milestones, making adulthood even more complicated.

In addition to the pressure for perfection, today, we also have the added anxiety of living our lives more publicly than ever before. Thanks to social networking and other forms of digital dishing, not only can we spend hours navel-gazing online, but we can also gaze at each other's navels via social networking sites.

Now you can log onto Facebook or Twitter and find out that your younger cousin is pregnant (again), your best friend got a promotion, and your college roommate is engaged. It's easier to compare and contrast our friends' life trajectories to our own and then blog, tweet, text, and instant message about it.

While the thrisis isn't exactly fun, there is some good news: You'll realize that part of being an adult is understanding that "figuring it all out" is a lifelong task even for the biggest grown-ups among us, not a goal that must be reached by an arbitrary birthday. You'll also gain a lot a more out of a thrisis than you'll lose -- good stuff like maturity, self-awareness, and perspective.

Speaking of perspective, let's step back for a moment and not forget that 30 isn't exactly geriatric, for gosh sakes. Plus, more research shows we actually get happier as we get older. We should all be so lucky to have a life re-evaluation at age 100, although "century-is" or "hundred-is" just doesn't have the same ring to it as thrisis does.

Dumb in your 20s

I was looking for inspiration online for a blog piece about biological clocks ticking away (the tick tick ticking gets louder the more pregnant women you're around) and/or how to cope when a long term relationship ends. Somehow I stumbled across this article; which does not involve (or inspire) either. However, some of the points were too funny not to share (and hopefully I'm not the only one who has a "Oh crap! That's TOTALLY me!" moment of realization when reading. 

Enjoy. (My personal thoughts/feelings are italicized)

20 Dumbest Things About Being In Your 20's

Your 20s are just an extended period of adolescence with credit.

The only thing worse than being an awkward 13-year-old at a junior high dance with your own parents as chaperones is finding yourself a decade later, equally awkward, with no one at all to chaperone you through this weird new thing known as "adulthood."

While your 20s can certainly be exciting, they're not all they're cracked up to be. For the first time ever, you are left to make your own life decisions while battling the ever-present fear, crippling confusion and constant flow of failed expectations.

Whether you're 45 and can look back and laugh, or 25 and can giggle while simultaneously curled up in the fetal position, check out the following 20 dumbest things that inevitably occur when experiencing the "joys" of your third decade of life. –Tina Smithers, age 29

1. You discover that a college diploma doesn't mean squat:

Fact: More than 40% of college students graduate owing over $20,000 in student loans.

You're thrust into college at an age where you barely know your ass from your elbow, let alone what you want to do with your life. So you end up paying out the wazoo to study something dumb, like philosophy or religious studies, because it sounds cool. Four years later: Congrats! You have a nice piece of paper, no professional skills and thousands of dollars in debt.

This was my ultimate, "oy vey" moment of the article. Hey some of us like our religious degrees thank you very much. I may not be working in the "Religious Studies" field but it got me a gig in Higher Education somehow.

2. That darn "Quarterlife Crisis" hits when you least expect it.

Fact: The average age of those first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder is around 25 years old.

That awkward, anxious, uncertain period of time that hits as you transition from adolescence into adulthood is known as the "Quarterlife Crisis" — a trendy term for the freak-out that comes with the realization that you, and only you, can accept responsibility for your decisions. I know I suffered from the QLC because I was given a book about it as a graduation gift, which I read thoroughly in between teary, frantic phone calls to my father and the occasional dosage of Klonopin. But no amount of drugs, friends, fancy cars or books can save you — you simply plow through this twentysomething purgatory as best you can. Though if you must, feel free to purchase Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties.

3. Dating is a joke.

Fact: Two-thirds of twentysomethings spend some time living with a romantic partner without being married. And then some of us lived with romantic partners before we even hit our twenties...but I realize I'm often an exception to the rule.

Dating doesn't exist in your 20s. If you're not busy hooking up with everyone and their mom, you're diving headfirst into a relationship with the first person who will put up with your sh*t. Unless you take the time to really get to know anyone (including yourself), and find out exactly what it is you want in a partner, you'll wind up in an unhappy relationship, battling your own personal Weinergate.

I've never been one to be "hooking up with everyone and their mom"...and I just ended a two year relationship (the first in many many years). So while I don't fit into their "theory" necessarily I still don't know what it's like to date in my 20s.

4. You don't take care of yourself in any shape or form.

Fact: In 2008, approximately 27% of people aged 18 to 34 did not have health insurance. Hooray for being damn lucky and having a job with benefits!

Note to Invincible Man: The chain smoking, heavy drinking and excessive amounts of sun exposure will catch up with you. Your Speedy Gonzalez metabolism will eventually slow down and you'll have to swap the pizza and beer for fruits and vegetables. And strawberry-flavored edible panties don't count.

5. The place you call home is no more than a disgusting, dumpy squalor.

Fact: One-third of people in their 20s move to a new residence every year.

Unless you're living with your parents, what little place you can afford is merely a step above a cardboard box that comes equipped with a couple of obnoxious, lazy a-holes known as "roommates." The dishes pile up and you refuse to clean, because you always clean, and hey, it's the principle. The good news is that when you do finally get your own place, you'll get to furnish the cockroach-infested squalor with hand-me-downs and plastic junk from Ikea!

And people wonder why I don't want roommates.

6. You're not as smart as you think you are.

Fact: A person's brain is not fully matured until at least age 25.

Just because you graduated from high school and you pay your own bills, it doesn't mean you have the world on your own personal brightly colored string. You may as well take your youthful arrogance and go invest in some diapers, because You Know Nothing, a fact which you will repeatedly be reminded of throughout your 20s.

7. You work way too hard for too little pay at a crappy job.

Fact: People go through an average of eight jobs in their 20s, more than any other stretch. Okay let's count....since I graduated college (because workstudy jobs don't count) I've had....five....six jobs.... Guess I'm right on track. lol.

Once you do choose a career you think you will be able to tolerate for the next 40 years, you have to start from the depths of hell. Whether an intern, an administrative assistant or somebody's personal slave, starting from the bottom isn't exactly glamorous. Sometimes you don't even get paid. While interning at a popular tabloid rag, I worked grueling hours for free, fetching coffee and transcribing interviews. The only thing I learned was how to avoid carpal tunnel. This is called "paying your dues," and it sucks balls.

To give credit those six jobs are about 1/2 were "crappy jobs" and the other 1/2 in my "career field"

8. You think you're fat and ugly.

Fact: Nearly 30% of people who got Botox injections in 2009 were under the age of 30.

You hate your big nose, butt chin, love handles, forehead wrinkles, etc. In truth, you look as good as you're ever going to look, so embrace it. And if you think you're fat now, just wait until you're a 50-year-old sloth with a beer gut and age spots.

9. You're broke, but you spend money on stupid stuff anyway.

Fact: We are the first generation not projected to do better financially than our parents.

You can barely make ends meet on your pathetic entry-level salary, so you sign up for a credit card. Having an emergency card is a nice thought, but applying for five credit cards is not worth the free coffee mug. I didn't get the memo and wound up with a coffee mug, some useless handbags and $8,000 in debt. The interest made it impossible to pay off, so I cashed out my 401K in order to dig myself out of the financial suckhole, and now I have no retirement savings. Lesson? The minute you start seeing credit as "free money," you're in trouble. It's easy to swipe but a pain to pay off.

I plead the fifth.

10. You have reckless sex. A lot.

Fact: 86% of unmarried people aged 18 to 29 are sexually active. Men and women in their 20s have among the highest rates of STDs out of any age group.

You're new to this whole adulthood thing, which is why you're so good at making bad life choices, like obeying your yearning loins when it's last call at the bar. So if you're going to express yourself sexually with half of Chicago, wear a condom. They help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including the herp, the clap and the unwanted pregnancy.

Wrong. But then we've already established I don't "hook up" with people. Hooray for not getting STDs.

11. You still behave like a kid, so no one takes you seriously.

Fact: Most Americans believe that "adulthood" begins at age 26. So why am I 28 (and a half) and still don't feel like I've reached "adulthood"?

Blink-182 had a point: "Nobody likes you when you're 23, and you still act like you're in freshman year." What the hell is wrong with you? Much of the crud you pulled in adolescence is no longer acceptable in your 20s, but you're not an adult either, no matter how much you think you are. So in turn, no one really takes anything you say or do seriously. Sad face.

12. The dreaded draft could happen at any time.

Fact: In case of a national emergency, every male aged 18 to 25 must register for the Selective Service, otherwise known as the "draft."

We haven't used the draft since the Vietnam War because we have an all-volunteer military. But in the event that the government calls up the draft, the burden will fall on dudes in their 20s. So practice those squats and push-ups now.

13. You drink too much.

Fact: Rates of binge drinking are highest among those aged 18 to 25.

Young adults often seek reprieve from this tumultuous decade by drinking their emotions through a big plastic funnel. Whether because of stress, boredom, insecurity or simply the aching desire to get laid, twentysomethings get out-of-control tanked far more than any other age group. The onslaught of stupid beverages like Four Loko and silly get-sloshed-quick challenges (you've been iced, bro!) don't exactly foster responsible drinking, either.

OMG! No, no, no. I drank too much my freshman year of college...have lost a number of braincells because of it. A few months back a friend came to visit. I called the FB album of pictures "Hello Luke, Goodbye Liver" because we drank so much and I felt every ounce. Then this last weekend I had another friend come out. We didn't drink NEARLY as much, but still stayed out late...and I still felt it. I realized it's not the booze that I can't do anymore so much as it is the late nights.

14. You can barely rent a car, and if you do, you have to pay for your age.

Fact: In 2008, approximately 27% of all U.S. car crashes involved drivers under the age of 25.

You learn to drive at 16 — that's nine solid years of behind-the-wheel experience! Yet you are stuck paying insane fees if you want to rent a car and are under the age of 25, because apparently, you are not to be trusted. Then again, it could be because you drink too much.

15. You can't take back those stupid, impulsive decisions you make.

Fact: 36% of those aged 18 to 29 have at least one tattoo. Yea. So what?

Twentysomethings are fickle beings, so if you love Tweety Bird now, you might not love him at 40. Therefore, it might be best not to get the dumb yellow cartoon tattooed on your forearm, unless you've given it a lifetime of thought. I proceeded to get a large, emo-esque star tattooed on my wrist (see above) when my boyfriend and I broke up. Maybe I wanted to deflect the pain from my newly broken heart, or perhaps I was acting out, but either way, I can't help but wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Okay. Yes, I have a tattoo. No, it isn't of a cartoon character or other similar stupid image. No, I didn't get it because of, while with or after a boy. I got it because I wanted to. It's an image I know I can live the rest of my life looking at. It's an image I spent years contemplating before getting. And it's located in a place that won't stretch drastically with weight, age or babies. Sorry if yours is.

16. Your friends are jerks, and you neglect the important people.

Fact: Between the ages of 15 and 25 is when most people establish lifelong friendships.

Many of your buddies are suffering from their own mid-20s meltdowns, so in turn they behave like selfish, jerky turdheads. You don't really care, so long as you don't have to sit alone at the bar. Meantime, you often neglect those who really matter, who love you no matter what — your family and friends who stick by you through all the boozy blackouts, broken hearts and bad hair days.

If any of my loved ones read this and agree that I'm neglecting you. Please smack me upside the head. I have tried to 'weed out" the jerks and people just taking up space in my life so that I have time for those that mean the most. Hopefully I've succeeded.

17. Crazy, crippling, ridiculous insecurities are around every turn.

Fact: Of people 20 to 29 years old, 41% feel significantly pressured or have "almost more stress than they can bear."

Full of firsts (first job, first apartment, first raise, first bounced check), this third decade of life can come as a shock. Nothing (I mean, nothing) is ever how you plan it. You're probably not going be married at 25 and making six figures at 27. You might get laid off or knocked up or terminally ill. There's no way to tell, but you focus so hard on the destination, you miss the journey entirely.

Well, at least I know I'm not alone with my disappointments.

18. You're overly obsessed with social media and your imaginary friends.

Fact: 48% of 18 to 34 year olds check Facebook right when they wake up.

Facebook, Twitter and FourSquare — these are the only links to your old life, your friends from high school or college. You hang on to this time period desperately, spending more time than you like to admit voyeuristically obsessing over everyone else's seemingly better, more interesting lives. But no one posts photos of their breakup or that time they got fired. Their lives suck as much as yours does! Besides, most of these people aren't even your real friends

Can someone explain to me what FourSquare is? I'm still confused. I thought it was the game with chalk and a big red rubber ball we played in the street and had to dodge being hit by cars? There's an online version now? 

19. You're a whiny, spoiled brat.

Fact: Nearly two-thirds of young adults in their early 20s receive economic support from their parents. The number of twentysomethings living at home has risen by 50% since the 1970s.

Twentysomethings often take their parents (and everyone else around them) for granted, thanks to a false sense of entitlement because it is so haaaard being a young adult these days. So they sob into their smartphones and iPods and MacBooks, when they should really be slapped for being such silly, clueless tard monkeys.

20. You freak out over turning 30.

Fact: At age 30, you're older (and wiser) than 42 percent of Americans.

Attempting to survive your 20s can be so startlingly horrific, it would only make sense to get psyched about your 30th birthday, right? Yet so many twentysomethings obsessively dread entering this newer, gentler, kinder decade, when we should all take solace in the fact that the 30s are when the fun really starts. (Or so I hear.)

Nope. Not me. Sure there are things I thought I'd have and be doing (or done) by the time I reached 30 but I'm not freaking out about it. I'm not rushing to fill a void before life goes "downhill". I look forward to 30. I will be waiting there the eve of my birthday with open arms waiting for the older-wiser me.

Sources: NY Times, ABC News, NCBI, QuarterlifeCrisis.biz, LA Times, U.S. Census Bureau, Online Schools, CBS News, Hallmark Research, AAD.

Banning Barbie?

What do other people think about Barbie?

I have to make a confession here. While I understand and am right with folks that she gives a false representation to what women's bodies look like. I also just don't have the fire in my belly to get angry about it. I played with barbie growing up and maybe it was just the way I was raised but I never wished I looked like her or hated my body because it didn't.

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Banning Barbie
By LISA BELKIN
Mattel, via Associated Press

Ah, Barbie. Fixation of generations of little girls. And their mothers — but for different reasons.

Rebecca Fitzgerald is struggling with the Barbie dilemma at the moment. Not whether she should buy her 3-year-old daughter the doll; she is quite clear that she would never do that. No, her problem is how to keep her father from showing up with one. And she is looking for advice from Motherlode.

She writes:

I was hoping to get help from you and your readers on explaining to my 60-something father why Barbie isn’t an appropriate gift for my 3-year-old daughter! I know there’s been research on the effect of Barbie on body image in kids as young as 5, but it’s surprisingly difficult to find. He’s a physician and a father of three girls raised to think they could be president — as long as they were pretty, too.

What kind of explanation would prevent him from buying makeup kits, high heels and fishnets when he thinks a busty gal in a tiny dress is a good role model for my preschooler?!

Many thanks,

Rebecca

My first thought was that Rebecca show her father the work of Galia Slayen, now a senior at Hamilton College, who has built herself one big Barbie doll. Hers is a life-sized depiction of how Barbie would look if she were “real,” and by Ms. Slayen’s calculations, poor Barbie would measure six feet in height, with a 39-inch bust, 18-inch waist and 33-inch hips. Made of chicken wire and paper maché, she was a project for National Eating Disorder Week when Ms. Slayen was still in high school. She is dressed, literally and symbolically, in the “size double zero” skirt that “used to slip off my waist when I was struggling with anorexia,” Ms. Slayen wrote in a post on The Huffington Post earlier this year. “I put it on Barbie to serve as a reminder that the way Barbie looks, the way I once looked, is not healthy and is not ‘normal.’ ”

You can see Ms. Slayen’s appearance on “The Today Show” with her mutant Barbie here:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

After Galia Slayen, I thought Rebecca might get some good advice from Peggy Orenstein, author of “Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture” (who happens to be appearing at the 92nd Street Y in TriBeCa Tuesday night on a panel titled “Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Sponge Bob Ate My Son: The Reality of Marketing to Kids.”)

So I forwarded the note from Rebecca, and here’s what Ms. Orenstein had to say:

Dear Rebecca,

Well, first of all, as with children, you need to establish limits with grandparents in general. The grandparents’ role is to adore the grandchildren, yes, but also to respect the parents and their wishes whether or not they agree with them. So answer No. 1 is your father shouldn’t give your daughter a Barbie simply because you don’t want him to. Regardless of whether he thinks that’s foolish or wise. Anything else overrides and undermines your parental authority.

So that’s the Dear Abby part. Let’s move on to Barbie. Barbie is really a symbol of your larger concern, right? It’s not Barbie in a vacuum. And it would be simplistic to say that A+B=C; that is, that if you play with Barbie you’ll grow up to have an eating disorder. In fact, I wish it were that simple.

But what you’re battling against here is something larger and more complex — a marketing and childhood culture that encourages girls in an unprecedented way from an unprecedentedly young age to define themselves through appearance and play-sexiness, that defines femininity through materialism and narcissism. There’s a marketing notion called kids getting older younger: products are pitched initially to older children, but younger kids, wanting to be like cool older sibs, soon adopt them, at which time the older kids instantly abandon them as babyish and move on to something even “cooler.” And for girls, being cool means looking hot.

Dad sounds like a science-y guy, so lob some hard stats at him to explain: when she was first released in 1960, Barbie’s original demographic was 9- to 12-year-old girls. Now a girl is done with Barbie by 5. Fifty percent of 6- to 9-year-old girls in a survey by a market research group say they regularly wear lipstick or lip gloss, and the percentage of 8- to 12-year-olds wearing mascara and eyeliner doubled between 2008 and 2010 (why isn’t the percentage of 8-year-olds wearing mascara zero?).

I’m sure you saw the recent fracas over the push-up bikini top that Abercrombie & Fitch was trying to sell 7- to 12-year-old girls. That top is still out there; they just changed the name, not the product. The point is, the pressure on girls to define themselves from the outside-in rather than the inside-out is enormous. And confusing. And alluring — because it’s fun. For a while, anyway. I mean, makeup! Sparkles! Fashion! Who doesn’t like that? And it can be creative, but in such a well-worn, narrow way, right?

Meanwhile, a large-scale survey by Girls Inc. found that between 2000 and 2006 the percentage of elementary school girls who were worried about being thin went up far faster, and was much higher, than the percentage who worried about the quality of their school work. The percentage of the same girls who believed you had to be pretty and thin to be popular went up, too. The pressure girls expressed to be perfect (good at school and sports and pretty, popular and thin) went up. And the American Academy of Pediatrics — an organization I’m sure your dad respects — recently put out a memo to its members telling them that eating disorders were on the rise among children under 12 and they needed to be more mindful of the signs.

Beyond that, when we were children (or at least when I was) Barbie was a doll. Basta. She was not a lifestyle. There were no Barbie toothbrushes, Barbie tricycles, Barbie scooters, Barbie breakfast cereal (I don’t know if there’s really Barbie breakfast cereal, but there are now Disney Princess grapes, so there might as well be, and believe me, if you haven’t started fighting with Dad about Princess, that is coming). Do you really want your child to be subject to that kind of training: that her role in life is to advertise and consume licensed products to the hilt? Forget the girl stuff — your child does not exist to be a marketer’s land grab.

O.K. Now I’ve scared you. I’ve scared him. So what’s a mom or grandpop to do? I say, fight fun with fun. I’m wondering why your dad is so obsessed with Barbie. Because he liked watching you play with her? Because he thinks she defines cute, innocent girlness?

If it’s the former, why not suggest a present that would involve the three of you doing something, making some memory together? If it’s the latter, well, I get that. Girls are adorable when they play with Barbies or Princess. And little girls also have a developmental need to find a way to assert that they’re girls (more on why another time) in the most extreme way with whatever tools are at hand. When I was a child that mean baby dolls, strollers, doll houses. Now it’s spa makeovers for 4-year-olds.

That means, though, that countering with generic toys is really not enough. Besides, it’s hard to convince your daughter (or your father) that you’re giving her more choices by saying no all the time. So you need to offer her other ideas, playthings, books, movies, clothing that signify girl and signify fun yet broaden her idea of femininity. I have an evolving, idiosyncratic list of resources for this on my Web site (and if you have others, by all means let me know). Maybe you could suggest one of them to Dad as an alternative. If he’s looking for a doll companion, how about a groovy girl or a go-go sports girl? Or troll eBay for a Mulan doll (they’re out there; hard to find, though). You know what my daughter adores? Her Lennon Sisters paper dolls. I kid you not. Tell him that she will have so many messages beamed at her every day of her life that only a particular look and a particular body are acceptable, and you don’t want them to come on her birthday from one of the men she loves most in the world. In fact, you could just leave it at that.

Full disclosure, I’m personally harder core on other issues, so a few Barbies infiltrated our home. I just got ridiculously picky about which Barbies. No Barbie Basics No. 10. Not even those dopey fairytopia Barbies. We had Wonder Woman Barbie. Indonesian Barbie. It was ludicrous. But there was one of my (many) compromises. And then I put a dollar in the therapy fund.

But again, it’s not Barbie per se that’s the issue, it’s the whole culture coming at your daughter. Barbie is just the symbol.

And hey, maybe for her birthday you could give him a few presents: “Packaging Girlhood” by Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb; “So Sexy So Soon” by Diane Levin and Jean Kilbourne; “Pink Brain, Blue Brain” by Lise Eliot; “Consuming Kids” by Susan Linn; and, of course, “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” …

Good luck,

Peggy

One of those Days.

 

 

 

It's just one of those days when I feel I barely have my head above water......

How did I get here?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between a career and a job. Somewhere along the line what I thought were jobs have seemed to develop into a career. I never expected (or even dreamed) about having a career in Higher Education. Not in the Student Services/Affairs arena at least. But here I am 28 years old at my fourth college/university with no end in sight.

I remember growing up and the various “careers” I dreamed about.

When I was in elementary school I remember I either wanted to be a Marine Biologist (grew up in San Diego going to the beach, Sea World and the Zoo) or join the Navy (my godfather/cousin was a Navy Seal). I had no idea what either of those would really mean – the schooling, the physical requirements, etc. Then as the years went by those “dreams” just fizzled away and I wanted to become a teacher. A teacher of what changed constantly – a kindergarten/preschool teacher, a history teacher, a theatre teacher, etc.

Biologist

Navy

Teacher

Museum Coordinator

Counselor

Ideas came and went. Then, my senior year in undergraduate I was hired as a Community Assistant (RA-job) for my dorm/program – a job doing what I had been doing the previous three years, helping out my community members. The last few months of my senior year, on top of preparing to teach a class, I was asked to step into the Community Coordinator position; when our Resident Director left to climb the Appalachian Trail. *BAM* Instant promotion.

After graduation I returned home, doing odds and ends for a temporary placement agency. I started having the post-graduation “What am I doing with my life?” crisis. Then a friend of mine suggested looking into continuing with Residential Life and Housing. I was good at my job and might excel. Why the hell not? I needed to take that next step of growing up and move out of my family’s house. So six-seven months after graduation I found myself moving to San Diego to become a Residential Life Coordinator for an art college. The process was so fast (between applying and moving into my San Diego apartment) I hardly had time to breathe let alone process what was happening.

Three years later I had reached burn out. A number of things factored into this. My not wanting to get my MA in Higher Education (therefore being told I would never be able to climb ResLife career ladder), having three bosses in a matter of three years, and the fact that (typically) most people don’t stay in that type of position (live-in Residential Life) for so long. So I quit. I had looked into and applied at other jobs before turning in my notice but when nothing came along, and after long/multiple conversations with my mother, I just handed in my notice – packed my bags – and moved away.

Four months after returning home I was so stir crazy, moving from a large beautiful beach city back to my small desert home town. Thankfully I have amazing friends and two of them offered to let me move into their apartment, crash on their couch and try living in the Bay Area. So off I went and eventually landed a job as a Director of Housing. (Take that everyone who said I had to have a MA in Higher Education to be a Director).

The reasons I left that job aren’t important to this blog. Life happens and things change and I turned in my notice to move to Portland, OR – again determined I was done with Higher Education. So here I sit, once again working at a college, helping students, attempting to deal with office politics and defining of job duties.

Somewhere I went from having a job in ResLife to my career being in Higher Education.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy working with my students. I’ve always said the reason I continue to come back (time and time again) is because I want to help make a difference in students’ lives. I remember so many people, fondly, during my college years that made a difference – big and small. I want to have the opportunity to share in that experience for other people. It has nothing to do with not being able to let go of the past. It has nothing to do with retaining my “youth” (if anything I sometimes feel younger now than when I did in college).

Yet, here I am – again - frustrated with other people’s lack of delegation and ability to let me do my job. I’m here wondering how much longer I can survive before I start pulling out my hair or start stabbing people with pencils.

I thought a career was something you planned. Something you went to school for and intentionally went for. A career wasn’t something you fell into. It wasn’t something you wondered “How the hell did I get here? And how the hell do I leave?”

Am I just disillusioned with 1950s ideas and philosophies?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Am I the only one who has found them in a career they didn’t plan on?

I'm a "Slut"

I have breasts. 

I have hips.

I have thighs and a stomach. 

I have curves I [try to] embrace. 

I like to show off my curves with skirts and tank tops. 

I like to bundle up in baggy yoga pants and sweat shirts. 

He was my boyfriend. 

It was not violent. 

It was over quicker than it started. 

I still don't identify as a rape "victim"

I'm tired of labels. 

I'm tired of hearing the term "asking for it"

I didn't ask for it and I've only been with 2 men. 

Yet, according to some [police officer below] I'm a slut and I was asking for it.

*     *     *

‘Sluts’ march against sexual assault stereotypes
by Nicki Thomas

In fishnets and stilettos, t-shirts and jeans, a three-piece suit and a birthday suit, hundreds of self-proclaimed “sluts” marched through downtown Toronto Sunday afternoon, protesting a police officer’s suggestion that women could avoid sexual assault by not dressing provocatively.

Polly Esther walked off the subway in a plunging neckline and knee-high platform boots to join the noisy, spirited march from Queen’s Park to police headquarters on College St. She raised a hand-lettered sign, its simple but stark message definitive of that of the protest: “Xmas 1985. 14 years old. Bundled in layers. How did I deserve it?”

“It has nothing to do with what you’re wearing,” said Esther, 39. “And I’m living proof of that.”

SlutWalk, as organizers coined the march, was a response to comments made by a Toronto police officer during a safety forum at York University’s Osgoode Hall Law School in late January. Const. Michael Sanguinetti is said to have told the room that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

Sanguinetti has since apologized to the university and been investigated by the professional standards unit. He was disciplined internally, the details of which have not been made public, and is still on the job in 31 Division, though not working Sunday.

Police were quick to publicly condemn Sanguinetti’s comment, saying it is counter to what officers are taught about sexual assault. In a statement sent to the SlutWalk organizers and the media last Friday, Chief Bill Blair said the remarks “place the blame upon victims, and that’s not where the blame should ever be placed.”

“If that type of, frankly, archaic thinking still exists among any of my officers, it highlights for me the need to continue to train my officers and sensitize them to the reality of victimization,” he said.

But SlutWalk organizers made it clear Sunday that they are not satisfied with the response. 

Co-founder Heather Jarvis said the group made three requests from police: to restructure training and education, implement existing third-party recommendations on that training and education and improve public outreach programs, with an emphasis on consent and “rape myths.”

“They didn’t actually respond to a single one of our requests,” Jarvis said.

The group also invited police to address Sunday’s crowd alongside speakers like Jane Doe, the activist who successfully sued the police after she was assaulted by a serial rapist and is still highly critical of procedures around sexual assault training and investigation.

“It’s not about one bad apple cop,” Doe told the cheering crowd. “It’s about an institution that is permeated with these kinds of notions and beliefs.”

Spokeswoman Const. Wendy Drummond said police did provide SlutWalk organizers with an outline of changes made to training and investigations in the wake of a 2010 review, the second since the Auditor General’s 1999 report on police procedures around sexual assault.

“We have reached out to them,” Drummond said. “But wanting to put us up there and not be heard, is just not something that we’re going to do.”

Future SlutWalks are planned in other cities, including Vancouver, Ottawa and Boston.

http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/968466

Closer to 30

This year I'm celebrating my birthday in a few different ways. Since my birthday falls on a Wednesday these activities/events are being done the weekend before and the weekend after. 

This weekend we're doing a large(r) family gathering and going bowling. My mother, younger sister, her boyfriend, his little girl (who is turning 2 this weekend), my older sister, her partner and their two boys are joining me at a miniature golf course (or bowling alley depending on the weather) and then pizza, birthday cake and swimming back at the condo's club house. 

The following weekend the immediate family will be driving out to the coast for an overnight trip to the aquarium and eating at a place called Mo's (<< family/friends will understand the excitement of this). Returning on Saturday I'll then be joined by some of my gal-friends to an evening of Martinis & Manicures, photo booths and dancing the night away. 

 "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Charles Theodore "Chili" Davis

*     *     *

My birthday is in one week, and while I won't be turning 30 (turning 28) that's all I can seem to think of. I'm not dreading the big 3-0 but more just wondering where I'll be in two years.

Will I still be here in Portland? Will I have finally got off my arse and gone back to school? Will I be in this same job? Will I be living closer to (or with) my sweetheart? Will I feel like I finally have a grasp on what it means to be me?

I think the reason it worries me the most is because I'm two years away. That's two years of my life I don't have planned. The vague and unknown.

"30 is the new 20. Unless you're 20 and then it's the new 40" - Dane Peddigrew

*     *     *

So here's my request, to my 30something (and older) friends/family:

What's so hot about 30?
How does life improve once your 20s are over?

"When a Former Life Beckons"

I read this article in the NYTimes today - the title "When a Former Life Beckons" but it was the subtitle and tag-line that really made me decide to read.

The subtitle: Renewing a Tattoo

The tag-line: A youthful mark turns out to be a good inoculation against atrophy

Being as I have a tattoo I've been thinking of having up-dated and working at a medical school I was amused by the topic and word choice - my curiosity was grabbed.

I read through it and had an initial reaction of "Awww."

I cheered when she reclaimed her body and put a new and thought out tattoo over the old alcohol-induced-spontaneous one, "I decided to get a new tattoo. Or rather, I decided to reclaim my old one."

The romantic heart in me fluttered when the story ended with her husband asking her a question she wasn't asked before, "Did it hurt?"

*     *     *

Then I stopped. I began to wonder, "Would this be me?"

Not the regretting my tattoo or finding myself open to "something permanent" in the man I marry...but the feeling like I've "lost my swagger" or regretting a "Lucy Jordan" life.

Why is it that so many 30somethings (and beyond... 40s, 50s, etc) look back at their 20s and feel regretful, or at least shake their heads about the ignorance of youth?  Why are people waking up in their 30s to feel they spent a decade (their 20s and possibly younger) being a jackass and are ashamed of what they did? Why are some deciding once you become a 30something you hand over your "life-can-be-fun" card?

This is exactly the reason I started this blog. I'm just so confused as to what it means to be a 20something and what it will mean for me once they are over.

I haven't spent my 20s doing things I regret.
I haven't spent my 20s sitting at home under a rock.
I haven't spent my 20s in a drunk stupor swinging from the rafters either.
I don't plan to look at my 30s as the end of life.

I turn 28 in only a few weeks. My 20s are going to be over before I know it. I hope that once they are I can look back at them as a time of learning, a time of joy and sorrow, a time when I came into who I am. But equally I'm going to look forward to my 30s as a time of further growth. As a time of wisdom and another decade for more laughs, more nights out with the girls, more time to snuggle with the man I love.

I may not know what it means to be a 20something but I'm not going to regret trying to figure it all out.

Danger: Expectations

So I thought I'd go a bit more light-hearted this time around.

A few months ago I was tagged in an online game of sorts where you read through these "25 ways to tell you've grown up", mark or count how many apply to you and then pass it along. Normally I just delete and never think of these modern chain-letters but once and a while I go ahead and play along. 

This was one. 

1. Your houseplants are alive (and you can't smoke any of them). True.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. Sex in a twin is never out of the question it's just the curling up side-by-side that doesn't work anymore.

3. You keep more food than beer in your fridge. True. And I'm not in the least sorry about it.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, NOT go to bed. I can't remember the last time I went to bed at 6:00AM...heck I can't remember the last time I went to bed after midnight. 

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. I haven't had this happen yet. However, I have been experiencing friends' band being played everywhere from in a movie theater JC Penny commercial, Ross store and on the radio. Oh Hockey, I'm so happy for you guys!

6. You watch the weather channel. Um. NO. Aside from the fact I don't have cable and can't watch the weather channel anyway but even if I could I wouldn't.

7. Your friends marry and divorce not "hook up" and "break up" There's still the occasional "hook up" and "break up" but there's a large chunk that are getting married and (unfortunately) divorced

8. You go from 130 days of vacation to 14. Now I don't think this one is fair. Yes it's true I have gone from having summers off to counting and treasuring every single last vacation day I'm given...but what about teachers? They still get summers off - does that mean they aren't "grown up"...unfair point.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up" I'm torn on this one. Here in Portland jeans and a sweater are often times considered "dressed up" clothes but for me they're casual. It depends on the environment, situation and who you're with. But I guess over all I'd have to say this one is true.

10. You're the one calling the police because those #%!$ kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Not true. I'm more concerned about the little buggers stealing things off my back porch! hahaha

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. Regrettably true...but then my family has always been very open about sex and this has been true for a while now.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. One of my best friends pointed out that we NEVER knew what time Taco Bell closed so really this is moot.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. N/A - I use public transit.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. I never fed my animals people food. But yes, I do now feed them more expensive allergy friendly food.

15. Sleeping on the couch hurts your back. Yes. But I still do it.

16. You take naps. I'm totally not ashamed of this one! Heck yea I nap!

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date not just the start of it. Sometimes. But it doesn't have to be. Depends on what time the movie and dinner is at. A matinee showing - better just be the beginning of the date. A midnight showing - better believe you're taking me home afterwords....remember 6AM wake up.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3AM would severely upset, not settle, your stomach. Who eats a basket of chicken wings to settle their stomach? Oh my gosh my stomach is hurting just thinking about it.

19. You go to the drug store of ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. Okay while I haven't needed to buy condoms and/or pregnancy tests in a while doesn't mean that it won't or can't still happen. So I'm giving this a "not true"

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "good shit" Maybe I'm a snob but I've never thought of 2 buck chuck as 'good'. Yes we drank jugs of wine in college but that was because we were poor college students not because we thought of it as good. 

 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. Not true - completely. Actually I tend to eat breakfast more at night for dinner than I do actually at breakfast time. But living in such a foodie town (and one that loves their breakfast/brunch restaurants) I've been eating breakfast at breakfast time more than normal. As I talk about in my other blog serving breakfast (eggs, toast, bacon) can make or break a place for me.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." True. But not regrettable. My poor body. When I think of the way it used to be abused. I'm surprised we're still on speaking terms.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is used for REAL work. 90% seems high but definitely the majority of the time.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. Nope. But I do make sure to find super cheap happy hours! :)

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them not ask "What the hell happened?" Depends on the person.

So of the 25 "signs" I had 11 that I would say are "true"...7 I would say are "not true" and 6 that were somewhere in between. So I guess I'm not fully "grown up" just yet but am on my way...?

In today's world people are just so obsessed with life markers and goals one is to accomplish before a certain date, a certain time, a certain age. 

Why should I compare my life "successes" based off of other people's lives? Other people's goals and expectations. Maybe I want to finish a bucket of chicken wings with a bottle of $4 wine after I remember that Taco Bell is closed and then go to bed at 6AM on the couch....it's my choice and my life.