Ready to Turn 30?

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly obsessing with (almost) being 30....?

Yes, my birthday is 2 1/2 months away but I'll be turning 29 not 30.

Maybe it's because I'm a "planner". I like to be prepared...like to know what to expect before something (large) happens. Plan ahead for any possible unexpected twists and turns.

This way, starting to think about the "Big 3-0" before it happens, I have time to get my life (somewhat) to a place that I'm (more) happy with.

I came across these "Tips All 30-Year-Old Women Should Know Before 30" in Madame Noire. And I thought it might be useful to go through these tips and see how "ready" I am.

*                *               *

Tip #1 How to cook a complete gourmet meal: "You don’t have to be Betty Crocker to know how to cook at least one decent meal. Maybe you can only whip up one complete meal, but anything beats spaghetti as your ‘specialty’. Everyone should know how to cook a meal edible enough for not only yourself, but guests as well."

Haha! I've got this one nooooo problem! I'm known for my cooking. I pride myself in my cooking. I love throwing dinner parties for large groups and/or small intimate dinners for two. I definitely know how to cook more than "at least one decent meal." 

Consider this one "Checked"

Tip #2 How to manage your finances: "Shopping until you drop or broke, whichever comes first, is definitely something that should be left in your 20s. Before turning 30, women should have a savings account, an emergency fund, and a checking account complete with next month’s expenses. In addition, knowing how to manage your money and not let it manage you is another trait you should possess before you turn 30."

Okay so this one I still need work on. (See this is why I'm starting to think about being 30 over a year ahead of schedule). I do have a retirement fund with my company, I have a checking account, have recently paid off a credit card (that hadn't been paid off properly...eek) and haven't had a bounced check in a while. However, if I lost my job tomorrow I'd be f***ed. I don't have a savings account and I have (maybe) just over $100.00 in my bank account (hooray for payday coming soon). However, now that the credit card has been paid off and 1/2 my monthly paychecks aren't going to pay off furniture from 6-7 years ago....I'm planning on starting to tuck away money for a nest egg (and hopefully not allowing my shoe fetish to eat away at it).

For now, I'll mark this one as "In Progress"

Tip #3 How to live alone: "If you’re accustomed to city life where living accommodations can become quite costly, you either have or have had your fair share of roommates; but before turning 30, if your funds permit, you should have experienced living on your own sans a friend, roommate, boyfriend, or especially parents."

Holy smokes am I ready for this again. I lived alone for a number of years however, because of relocation and financial situations I've been living with roommates and/or family for the last four years (give or take). Now it's time to start saving the money and find my own place again... hopefully long before I turn 30!

Checked and In Progress

Tip #4 What you will or won’t do for love or money: "Maybe you’ll air out your business on a reality show for a little extra change, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll spend your 30s attempting to be a basketball wife or maybe you’d prefer to make your own money. Whatever your choice, you should know before turning 30 what you will or won’t do for love or money. Understanding yourself and your limits is very important."

I don't think I've ever really thought much about it. But I think I'm pretty secure in myself, my values and my choices that I know what I would or wouldn't do for money and/or love. But I don't have a list in my wallet or anything. 

Checked.

Tip #5 How to have a healthy relationship with the other sex: "You’ve dealt with the cheaters, or maybe you were the cheater. You’ve been lied to or done the lying. You’ve had your heart broken and possibly broke a few hearts in the process. But through the negative, you’ve experienced a somewhat stable relationship with a man (other than your father). You’ve realized that men and women are completely different and our thought processes are even more distinct. Still, you’ve learned to work around the differences and how to sustain a healthy relationship with a man."

I have to say I laughed at the "other than your father" piece... but my "daddy-issues" aside and the list of "unhealthy" relationships I may or may not have had. I think I have had "healthy relationship(s) with the other sex". There are, of course, some bumps in the road with any and all relationships. 

Checked and In Progress

Tip #6 How to have a healthy relationship with yourself: "Before 30 you should know that you are worth the investment, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You understand that beauty is only skin deep and that keeping yourself up physically is on half of the battle. Before 30 you should know how to have a healthy relationship with yourself or at least on the path to doing so."

I have the occasional moment of amnesia but for the most part yea...I got this covered.

Check.

Tip #7 How to dress according to your shape, size, and style: "By 30 you should know that everything doesn’t look good on everybody. With that in mind, you know what works for your body shape, what colors compliment you the best, and different looks to don on different occasions. Simply put, you know exactly how to look fabulous."

You mean that "Juicy" written across my butt and buying tees from the Junior section isn't a smart idea? Oh.... DUH!!! I love clothes. I love fine tuning my style. And I think I do it very well. So consider this:

Checked!

Tip #8 How to pick your battles wisely: "By now you should know that every argument doesn’t require a response. Learning to choose your battles wisely is a characteristic that comes with getting older."

Yea. So we're not ending on the best note. I still have a lot to learn about picking my battles. But then I'm a stubborn hot blooded Italian woman. Oh well. I knew I wouldn't be 100% ready (according to Madame Noir) to turn 30. 

*               *               *

Anyone out there 30+ with other tips or suggestions for preparing for the big ol' 3-0?

Little Black Dress

So I'm on the Holiday Party Planning committee for this year's company party. And of course, being an organizer and party planner, I want everything to be perfect.

Aside from making sure the party doesn't resemble a frat boy's 21st birthday (no offense to fraternities or 21 year olds) I want to make sure I look perfect as well. haha

I found this dress on Torrid.com and while I loved it I just wasn't sure if I could pull it off....but after some "fashion consultation" with a few friends I went for it!

The party is happening at a local Wine Bar and Lounge - so nothing fancy (last year it was held at a ballroom) but I still thought I needed something special. After I don't get much chance to put a dress and get dolled up. 

Besides every woman needs a little black dress right?

So it finally arrived and I couldn't wait to try it on (despite not having the proper push-me-pull-you-panties) and here it is (just ignore the look on my face - the flash startled me). 

I'm happy with the purchase and can't wait to wear it to the Holiday Party.  

Now to just accessorize.  I figured a killer pair of shoes and some fantastic earrings should be enough. Although if I can find a new bling-ring I'll be set. 

The other day while Christmas shopping I stumbled on these earrings and of course had to buy them. They'll go great with the dress I think. 

$6.80 at Forever XXI! 

SOLD!

Okay. Shoes time. I haven't really settled on what I want them to look like. I had come across a pair of shoes like this a while back (these are not the exact ones because of course now I can't find them). 

While they are super fun and I'll probably buy them "just because" I don't think they fit with what I'm looking for to wear at the Holiday Party. 

Friday I went to a Payless Shoes and fell in love with these. 

Holy Smokes! I'm in love. They also had them in black....can't I buy both? The red is sooo sexy but the black would go better with the dress. 

Sadly I left without any of them but the woman did say that another shipment of shoes would be arriving Monday. I think I'll have to be going after work and see what they've got in. But my gut says to just get these while I can. 

Soooo cute!!

If you have thoughts, suggestions of links to some killer accessories send them my way!

Taking a Cue from Bridget Jones

 

"Will find nice, sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts... "

Vacation Accomplished

This weekend (despite having the category of "work") was wonderful. I definitely don't get away as often as I need or should...so this was a much needed vacation.

I love driving to the coast and seeing all the cute farm houses

Everything is just sooooo GREEN!

Stopped and had lunch at Camp 18 Restaurant and Logging Memorial

Decided I was going to take the example of the Camp Cat -
and use this weekend to relax.

So I made sure to have a good time with my student government folks (they're a wonderful group), went to the beach, Seaside Aquarium, and ate yummy food.

I just loooooove the grassy sand dunes on the way to the water.

Seaside Aquarium - privately owned since 1937

Yes, That would be me...and a huge octopus at the bottom

Fed the seals - he'd splash if you took too long

Fried garlic artichoke hearts from McKeowns

Stopped by Jim Dandy's Farm Market on the way home too -
got many yummy veggies

So glad to have a mini-get-away.....now back to work.

MUCH needed Vacation

It's not even 3:30PM on Thursday and I'm already in "Vacation-Mode" and so ready to get to Seaside.

Okay, so it's not a real vacation...I'm going to the coast this weekend for work. A meeting (basically) all day Saturday and then Sunday morning....

HOWEVER!!

Saturday evening I'm planning on dining at (what looks like) a great Southern/Creole restaurant called Lil' Bayou

and then Sunday afternoon going to the Seaside Aquarium.

And you better believe I'm getting as close to snuggling these faces as they'll let me:

So while there is work involved at least I'll be squeezing some beach time in there too.

Weight = Life Burden?

So my first thought when reading this article was they need to do way more research and study various generations as well. I'm not denying that being an "over weight" teenager is hard (on both girls and boys) and that studies have shown women make less then there male counterparts. But this study is all over the place (in my opinion) - from women who are heavier are less likely to graduate college, to they are less likely to be hired for a position (with of course fostering the stigmas and stereotypes of "fat people are lazy"), to plus size girls aren't active in sports in high school, etc. 

Maybe it's just me and my personal story not connecting AT ALL with what they're "findings" are showing. I was on the "heavier" side in HS and not only graduated HS with a 3.75 but went on to be accepted into a highly rigorous academic college program (which I finished in the normal 4 years) and then went on to a (mostly) satisfying (female dominated) career (making 15.50/hour). Thank you very much.

Like I said, an interesting read nonetheless but perhaps a bit early to publish their "findings"

*          *          *

Heavy in School, Burdened for Life

By Christy M Glass, Steven A Haas and Eric N Reither

Published: June 2, 2011

MUCH of the debate about the nation’s obesity epidemic has focused, not surprisingly, on food: labeling requirements, taxes on sugary beverages and snacks, junk food advertisements aimed at children and the nutritional quality of school lunches.

But obesity affects not only health but also economic outcomes: overweight people have less success in the job market and make less money over the course of their careers than slimmer people. The problem is particularly acute for overweight women, because they are significantly less likely to complete college.

We arrived at this conclusion after examining data from a project that tracks more than 10,000 people who graduated from Wisconsin high schools in 1957. From career entry to retirement, overweight men experienced no barriers to getting hired and promoted. But heavier women worked in jobs that had lower earnings and social status and required less education than their thinner female peers.

At first glance this difference might appear to reflect bias on the part of employers, and male supervisors in particular. After all, studies find that employers tend to view overweight workers as less capable, less hard-working and lacking in self-control.

But the real reason was that overweight women were less likely to earn college degrees — regardless of their ability, professional goals or socioeconomic status. In other words, it didn’t matter how talented or ambitious they were, or how well they had done in high school. Nor did it matter whether their parents were rich or poor, well educated or high school dropouts.

Our study, published last year in the journal Social Forces, was the first to show that decreased education was the key mechanism that reduced the career achievement of overweight women — an impact that persisted even among those who lost weight later in life. We found no similar gap in educational attainment for overweight men.

Why doesn’t body size affect men’s attainment as much as women’s? One explanation is that overweight girls are more stigmatized and isolated in high school compared with overweight boys. Other studies have shown that body size is one of the primary ways Americans judge female — but not male — attractiveness. We also know that the social stigma associated with obesity is strongest during adolescence. So perhaps teachers and peers judge overweight girls more harshly. In addition, evidence suggests that, relative to overweight girls, overweight boys are more active in extracurricular activities, like sports, which may lead to stronger friendships and social ties. (Of course our study followed a particular group from career entry to retirement, and more study is needed to determine whether overweight girls finishing high school today face the same barriers, though these social factors suggest they do.)

That overweight women continue to trail men — including overweight men — in educational attainment in America is remarkable, given that women in general are outpacing men in college completion and in earning advanced degrees.

What does this mean for policy? Previous studies have shown that overweight adolescents feel stigmatized by their peers and their teachers, have fewer friends and often feel socially isolated. Teenagers who feel less connected to teachers, school and peers are less likely to graduate and go on to college. So policies to help overweight girls need to work on two levels: promoting healthful behaviors and shifting attitudes.

Obesity is occurring in children at younger and younger ages, so prevention needs to start as early as primary school. While early intervention has obvious potential health benefits, it is also critical from a career perspective. In addition, overweight girls should be encouraged to participate in college preparation courses and extracurricular activities. Health education that focuses on diet and exercise but does not stigmatize overweight teenagers is critical.

Teachers and principals need to be aggressive in limiting bullying and looking for signs of depression in overweight girls. Teenage girls, regardless of body size, struggle with self-esteem and are at higher risk of depression than boys, so expanding health education to include psychological as well as physical health could help all girls. Public health campaigns should reframe the problem of obesity from one of individual failure to one of public concern.

The economic harm to overweight women is more than a series of personal troubles; it may contribute to the rising disparities between rich and poor, and it is a drain on the human capital and economic productivity of our nation.

Christy M. Glass and Eric N. Reither are associate professors of sociology at Utah State University. Steven A. Haas is an assistant professor of sociology at Arizona State University.

Momentary Rant

Please allow me a moment to "rant".

So this past Wed was National  Administrative Assistant Day. A few weeks ago I told my mother that I was going to throw a hissy fit if someone tried to honor me on this day. At one point my boss and I had to decline an invitation for me to join the A-Team (A for Assistant not Amazing).

I'm no one's Assistant.

I have a title that does not have the word "Executive" "Administrative" or "Assistant" anywhere in it!

I'm tired of people looking at me and asking if someone is available. How the hell am I supposed to know? Ask them yourself.

Well the "day came and went and not a word was mentioned. *Phew*

Well. I was wrong.

I just was given a coupon from our catering lady for a free lunch for all the hard work I do. She said that she wants to acknowledge the people who work with her and play the go between (since the school doesn't do anything special for Admin Asst Day). I smiled and said thank you.

I feel guilty about using it. It's meant for admins. And while I end up (begrudgingly) playing the Admin part often....I'M NOT AN ASSISTANT! *sigh*

How did I get here?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between a career and a job. Somewhere along the line what I thought were jobs have seemed to develop into a career. I never expected (or even dreamed) about having a career in Higher Education. Not in the Student Services/Affairs arena at least. But here I am 28 years old at my fourth college/university with no end in sight.

I remember growing up and the various “careers” I dreamed about.

When I was in elementary school I remember I either wanted to be a Marine Biologist (grew up in San Diego going to the beach, Sea World and the Zoo) or join the Navy (my godfather/cousin was a Navy Seal). I had no idea what either of those would really mean – the schooling, the physical requirements, etc. Then as the years went by those “dreams” just fizzled away and I wanted to become a teacher. A teacher of what changed constantly – a kindergarten/preschool teacher, a history teacher, a theatre teacher, etc.

Biologist

Navy

Teacher

Museum Coordinator

Counselor

Ideas came and went. Then, my senior year in undergraduate I was hired as a Community Assistant (RA-job) for my dorm/program – a job doing what I had been doing the previous three years, helping out my community members. The last few months of my senior year, on top of preparing to teach a class, I was asked to step into the Community Coordinator position; when our Resident Director left to climb the Appalachian Trail. *BAM* Instant promotion.

After graduation I returned home, doing odds and ends for a temporary placement agency. I started having the post-graduation “What am I doing with my life?” crisis. Then a friend of mine suggested looking into continuing with Residential Life and Housing. I was good at my job and might excel. Why the hell not? I needed to take that next step of growing up and move out of my family’s house. So six-seven months after graduation I found myself moving to San Diego to become a Residential Life Coordinator for an art college. The process was so fast (between applying and moving into my San Diego apartment) I hardly had time to breathe let alone process what was happening.

Three years later I had reached burn out. A number of things factored into this. My not wanting to get my MA in Higher Education (therefore being told I would never be able to climb ResLife career ladder), having three bosses in a matter of three years, and the fact that (typically) most people don’t stay in that type of position (live-in Residential Life) for so long. So I quit. I had looked into and applied at other jobs before turning in my notice but when nothing came along, and after long/multiple conversations with my mother, I just handed in my notice – packed my bags – and moved away.

Four months after returning home I was so stir crazy, moving from a large beautiful beach city back to my small desert home town. Thankfully I have amazing friends and two of them offered to let me move into their apartment, crash on their couch and try living in the Bay Area. So off I went and eventually landed a job as a Director of Housing. (Take that everyone who said I had to have a MA in Higher Education to be a Director).

The reasons I left that job aren’t important to this blog. Life happens and things change and I turned in my notice to move to Portland, OR – again determined I was done with Higher Education. So here I sit, once again working at a college, helping students, attempting to deal with office politics and defining of job duties.

Somewhere I went from having a job in ResLife to my career being in Higher Education.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy working with my students. I’ve always said the reason I continue to come back (time and time again) is because I want to help make a difference in students’ lives. I remember so many people, fondly, during my college years that made a difference – big and small. I want to have the opportunity to share in that experience for other people. It has nothing to do with not being able to let go of the past. It has nothing to do with retaining my “youth” (if anything I sometimes feel younger now than when I did in college).

Yet, here I am – again - frustrated with other people’s lack of delegation and ability to let me do my job. I’m here wondering how much longer I can survive before I start pulling out my hair or start stabbing people with pencils.

I thought a career was something you planned. Something you went to school for and intentionally went for. A career wasn’t something you fell into. It wasn’t something you wondered “How the hell did I get here? And how the hell do I leave?”

Am I just disillusioned with 1950s ideas and philosophies?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Am I the only one who has found them in a career they didn’t plan on?

Age Descrimination

New York Times: Social Q's

by Philip Galanes

"Long-in-the-Tooth Teasing

I’m the youngest person at work, and my co-workers tease me about it incessantly. Think how appalling it would be if they teased the oldest person for being old. So why is this all right? I’ve tried laughing it off, changing the subject, and not reacting — to no avail. How can I stop this?

Allison, New York City

Being teased for being young is like being teased for being gorgeous or rich. It’s practically a compliment — since most of us covet the underlying condition. (You must be very young if you can’t see that, Allison.)

Still, if you want the ribbing to stop, head to the ringleader and say: “Not to be a killjoy, but your jokes are getting old. (Har har.) Would you please knock it off?” Bet it stops. And don’t worry too much if it doesn’t. You’ll be wizened old crow, like the rest of us, before you know it."

Closer to 30

This year I'm celebrating my birthday in a few different ways. Since my birthday falls on a Wednesday these activities/events are being done the weekend before and the weekend after. 

This weekend we're doing a large(r) family gathering and going bowling. My mother, younger sister, her boyfriend, his little girl (who is turning 2 this weekend), my older sister, her partner and their two boys are joining me at a miniature golf course (or bowling alley depending on the weather) and then pizza, birthday cake and swimming back at the condo's club house. 

The following weekend the immediate family will be driving out to the coast for an overnight trip to the aquarium and eating at a place called Mo's (<< family/friends will understand the excitement of this). Returning on Saturday I'll then be joined by some of my gal-friends to an evening of Martinis & Manicures, photo booths and dancing the night away. 

 "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Charles Theodore "Chili" Davis

*     *     *

My birthday is in one week, and while I won't be turning 30 (turning 28) that's all I can seem to think of. I'm not dreading the big 3-0 but more just wondering where I'll be in two years.

Will I still be here in Portland? Will I have finally got off my arse and gone back to school? Will I be in this same job? Will I be living closer to (or with) my sweetheart? Will I feel like I finally have a grasp on what it means to be me?

I think the reason it worries me the most is because I'm two years away. That's two years of my life I don't have planned. The vague and unknown.

"30 is the new 20. Unless you're 20 and then it's the new 40" - Dane Peddigrew

*     *     *

So here's my request, to my 30something (and older) friends/family:

What's so hot about 30?
How does life improve once your 20s are over?

Inappropriateness and Tactlessness

So yesterday I'm sitting at my desk in our office suite (I don't have my own office, I sit in the front room of our office suite behind the student worker desk) working on the multitude of projects I have going - mostly for the New Student Orientation happening in two weeks - when my boss comes out of her office and sits down across from me. She starts by telling me about a meeting she has later that afternoon and that one of the agenda items might change the order/process of Fall Orientation (luckily I'm working on Winter and it wouldn't effect my current projects).

She then shifts some and starts saying something about how she has something else she wants me to know about but that I should understand she heard it third-fourth hand, that she had been thinking about how best to approach me, etc etc etc....dancing around the topic and making me nervous.

"Okay" I say - expecting something along the lines of budget cuts and me loosing my raise (or worse my job)

Apparently she heard third hand that a student, with whom I am supposed to work very closely with, went to my boss's boss's boss (aka the PRESIDENT of the College) to say she can't work with me. Now I don't know the tone. I don't know the reason. What I do know is that apparently without me looking I've created an enemy at my new job. I know that I have upset this person so much that she says she can't work with me. I know that the President needs a lesson in Human Resources 101 and to learn that when you are dealing with a personnel matter of this kind you don't go burst into someone's office, where they are in the middle of a meeting with other departments, to tell my boss's boss this tidbit of information.

Yes that's right. The way my boss found out was this:

Student meets with President.

President intrudes and "discloses" this information to the Provost
(with 2 other department heads in the office)

One of these Department Heads then tells my boss.

Who then tells me.

I don't know which to be more upset about. That this student has such a chip on her shoulder that she's decided she can't (and/or won't) work with me.

I don't expect everyone to love me. Hell, I don't expect everyone to like me. 

HOWEVER, I do expect people to be professional and deal with it.

Or does it bother me more that the President has so little tact that he thinks this is the appropriate means to which share this information.

My boss says she wants to have a meeting with the President about everything that's going on (details here aren't important) and how he's encouraging and unknowingly increasing the drama.  But he's currently on vacation meaning this conversation isn't going to happen for a few weeks.

We'll see what happens I suppose.

Coin toss + Vodka Dress = Lobster Red

Normally when going around a game of "truth or dare" or even some (lame) team building activity when you're supposed to tell your "Most Embarrassing Moment" I come up with nothing. I draw a blank. No childhood traumatic event. No dress tucked into my pantyhose. Nothing.

Well after tonight....THAT ALL HAS CHANGED!

Before I continue let me remind you of the following:

1. I've only been at this school for 5 months

2. This was the company holiday party of 80+ people (most of whom I hadn't met until this evening).

So the party is going along just fine. I've managed to find something to eat and have visited the bar 3 times. I'm at a table with some people from my office suite and some people I'm only slightly familiar with. Things are going well. I'm comfortable. I'm laughing and having a good time and comes Jeopardy.

(Once you keep reading you'll see why I feel the game chosen was slightly ironic)

So the Advancement Department (i.e. $$) has put together a game of Jeopardy. Two teams of five and someone on the winning team could win a WEEK IN CABO SAN LUCAS!!!

My name gets called to be "Team Captain" of the white team (white vs red)! Okay. I never win anything but hey, who knows...maybe this time? So they finish picking teams (names drawn out of a hat style) and they ask for the team captains to come up to the front to flip a coin - seeing which team gets to go first.

And when I say "to the front" I mean at the front of this giant ballroom, all people's eyes on the impending coin-toss....remember 80+ people....

"Ladies first"

"Heads!"

*flip coin*

...where did the coin go?

Can you guess?

YEP!!! THEY FLIPPED THE COIN RIGHT INTO MY CLEAVAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first no one knew what happened. The MC (president of the school), the coin-flipper (member of Advancement Dept) and the Red Team Captain are all looking around on the floor for the coin. The audience starts murmuring and wondering why they aren't announcing if it was heads or tails. I make eye contact with the coin-tosser and tell him he's not getting his coin back. That's when EVERYONE realized what had happened and where the coin had "disappeared" to.

So of course, in case anyone missed that my breasts had been turned into a coin machine, the President of the school says into the microphone "I think we're going to need another coin"!

I'm sure I turned as red as a lobster! I've never blushed so hard in my life. As they're turned to the audience to find another coin I turn my back to the crowd (unfortunately this puts me boobs to face with my boss and her husband - both of whom were on my team) and fish out the coin. If it had landed directly in my bra - I might have left it there. But it landed between the outside of my bra and my dress. So I knew if I left it there it would eventually fall out the bottom of my dress. I'd rather fish it out then look like I shit out a coin while walking across the dance floor.

Although really. In the end I should have known...

When the girls are out - everything is in jeopardy of being "eaten" by my cleavage.

Recluse vs Reserved

Tomorrow night is the company holiday party at a local ballroom. 

I've been part of the planning since the beginning: location, food, theme, how the proceeds of the auction will be spent, etc. I've helped with it all and yet, I'm dreading the event. 

Crowds of up near 90 people swigging down cheep keg beer and $6 bottles of wine. Standing around shumoosing with people I'm sure only 1/2 the time remember my name or that I'm a staff member (and not a student). Forcing myself to choke down under-salted hor d'oeuvres and dry entries. Watching the clock tick tick tick and wondering how early is too early to slip out the door and call a cab home. I dread large social interactions. 

I wouldn't call myself a wall flower. I don't find a dark corner and try to blend in with the surrounding decorations. I plaster a smile on my face and try to chit-chat. 

But the results are always the same. 

Me standing a half-step back from a circle of people who have known one another for years and who go out together for happy hour every Friday night. They're standing around talking about people or things upon which I have no interest or knowledge. Something might be said in my direction and I'll respond with something (I think) is witty only to be face to face with blank and confused stares. I'll awkwardly smile and sip my drink as they turn back to one another and that will be my cue to slip away and return to an empty table where I'll pretend to be in the middle of an intense and involved texting conversation. 

It's not that I don't like people. 

It's not that I don't enjoy going out for drinks and dancing. 

There's just something about a large (forced) social situation where I'm expected to put myself out there - expose myself as it were - to strangers and enjoy myself. 

I like my coworkers (we're planning on a small holiday lunch/dinner just the five of us), they're funny and inviting but I also know that I can't expect to attach myself to them like some Holiday Barnacle. 

My mother is worried that my current living situation (in a house with her and my younger sister) isn't good for me....that it's turning me into a hermit. 

GREAT! Somehow moving to Portland has turned me into a socially awkward recluse that lives at home with Momma. How the hell did my life get so bad that my mother now pities me?

I don't think I'm a hermit. I don't avoid any contact with the outside world. If I did I'd work from home, have groceries delivered, shop only via ebay or infomercials and not have any friends.

No, I'm not a hermit. I'm just shy. I've spent so many years building protective walls around me, trying not to get hurt, that now I can't escape them. I'm a Rapunzel who cut her hair before Prince Charming could even find her. (And no, I'm not saying I'm expecting a man to "fix" it all. Here Prince=Social Life)

The real "funny" thing is I'm sure some friend will read this and be surprised. Around people I know and trust enough to let in I'm anything but shy. I'm loud, bubbly, always full of smiles and not afraid to speak my mind. 

I don't know how these two parts of me manage to coexist inside me? 

There are days when it's more of a battle or war zone inside than a duality of peaceful coexistence. The struggle of wanting to go out into the world and the need to curl up in my bed with a security blanket and hide. 

It's a struggle I fight every weekend and am sure will continue for many years. So please if you invite me out on a Friday night and I cancel on you. Please don't take it personal. It might just be that the war is raging inside.