Friday, July 1, 2011

Wizards, Mug shots & Fetishes

Dear Men-Online (Ladies, you can benefit from these lessons too),

I have no problems with online dating; my last relationship started online and I've started the online dating process again. What I do have a problem with is you not understanding that basic human social skills are still needed even if you are picking me up on the internet and not a downtown bar. I understand that you can be anyone or anything you want to be online - however, this doesn't mean you should to be obnoxious, repugnant and downright sleazy!

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Tip #1 - when selecting your handle realize what you think is humorous and playful might come across as desperate and slimy. 

Love69yes ...all I see is GetMy#Not Thank you for being open and upfront, however, this handle does not make me warm for your form

Titanic73  makes me think giant mistake and freezing to death in the middle of the Atlantic, not that you have a large penis.

Having the word Wizard in your handle conjures images of a Wolowitz man-child living in his mother's basement.

Tip #2 - Drivers Licenses and mug shots should not be your profile picture.

Please remember you're on these sites to ATTRACT someone not repulse them. Try to smile. Even if you think it's the worst smile ever and you have spinach between your teeth - at least you're smiling. Looking angry and/or constipated is not sexy. 

Oh and a little side tip, don't have all the pictures be of your "guns" and asking me to "look at these pythons".

Tip #3 - Keep your fetishes to yourself until at least our second or third email. There needs to be some element of surprise between us doesn't there?

Asking me "would you fart for me?" is not a pick up line I'm accustomed too....Telling me you consider yourself an "Encourager" and not a "Feeder" and then saying "We'll see" when I tell you I'm not interested in gaining weight for your sexual pleasure..... 

These are perhaps not openers.

However, these are just my personal preferences and if they've worked for you up to this point well than perhaps I'm the one who needs to rethink online dating. 

PS. When a woman asks you "What's your name?" the proper response is not "Nice rack."


  1. "Would you fart for me?"

    Seriously? Someone actually asked you that? If

    Also, nice BBT reference. I Lol'ed at "Wolowitz man-child". At least Howard has the upstairs room though.

  2. Oh Shane. If you only knew the extent of the conversation that included "would you fart for me?". He was very specific in how, when and where.... *shakes head*

    You are correct that Howard has a room in the main house. Very good point. :) Doesn't mean I want to be invited over for brisket though.

  3. HAHA this almost makes me wish I didn't have a boyfriend so I could experience this wonderfulness. I am sure it makes for some good blog content.

  4. I love this, and totally agree with you all the way. I gave up after some guy asked if I were into making him wear metal underwear (I was a little afraid to say something rude cause he sounded depressed and psychotic) and this other rich kid living in his mommy's house that would get drunk, not stop messaging me, and say the usual jackass pick up bullshit. Then got frustrated and insulted my entire career - "You think I can't do that!?" Sort of shit, except with terrible spelling and punctuation. Your perserverance gives me hope to maybe try again... a little later. Much later...
    Cheers, Claire