Taking a Cue from Bridget Jones

 

"Will find nice, sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts... "

Dumb in your 20s

I was looking for inspiration online for a blog piece about biological clocks ticking away (the tick tick ticking gets louder the more pregnant women you're around) and/or how to cope when a long term relationship ends. Somehow I stumbled across this article; which does not involve (or inspire) either. However, some of the points were too funny not to share (and hopefully I'm not the only one who has a "Oh crap! That's TOTALLY me!" moment of realization when reading. 

Enjoy. (My personal thoughts/feelings are italicized)

20 Dumbest Things About Being In Your 20's

Your 20s are just an extended period of adolescence with credit.

The only thing worse than being an awkward 13-year-old at a junior high dance with your own parents as chaperones is finding yourself a decade later, equally awkward, with no one at all to chaperone you through this weird new thing known as "adulthood."

While your 20s can certainly be exciting, they're not all they're cracked up to be. For the first time ever, you are left to make your own life decisions while battling the ever-present fear, crippling confusion and constant flow of failed expectations.

Whether you're 45 and can look back and laugh, or 25 and can giggle while simultaneously curled up in the fetal position, check out the following 20 dumbest things that inevitably occur when experiencing the "joys" of your third decade of life. –Tina Smithers, age 29

1. You discover that a college diploma doesn't mean squat:

Fact: More than 40% of college students graduate owing over $20,000 in student loans.

You're thrust into college at an age where you barely know your ass from your elbow, let alone what you want to do with your life. So you end up paying out the wazoo to study something dumb, like philosophy or religious studies, because it sounds cool. Four years later: Congrats! You have a nice piece of paper, no professional skills and thousands of dollars in debt.

This was my ultimate, "oy vey" moment of the article. Hey some of us like our religious degrees thank you very much. I may not be working in the "Religious Studies" field but it got me a gig in Higher Education somehow.

2. That darn "Quarterlife Crisis" hits when you least expect it.

Fact: The average age of those first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder is around 25 years old.

That awkward, anxious, uncertain period of time that hits as you transition from adolescence into adulthood is known as the "Quarterlife Crisis" — a trendy term for the freak-out that comes with the realization that you, and only you, can accept responsibility for your decisions. I know I suffered from the QLC because I was given a book about it as a graduation gift, which I read thoroughly in between teary, frantic phone calls to my father and the occasional dosage of Klonopin. But no amount of drugs, friends, fancy cars or books can save you — you simply plow through this twentysomething purgatory as best you can. Though if you must, feel free to purchase Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties.

3. Dating is a joke.

Fact: Two-thirds of twentysomethings spend some time living with a romantic partner without being married. And then some of us lived with romantic partners before we even hit our twenties...but I realize I'm often an exception to the rule.

Dating doesn't exist in your 20s. If you're not busy hooking up with everyone and their mom, you're diving headfirst into a relationship with the first person who will put up with your sh*t. Unless you take the time to really get to know anyone (including yourself), and find out exactly what it is you want in a partner, you'll wind up in an unhappy relationship, battling your own personal Weinergate.

I've never been one to be "hooking up with everyone and their mom"...and I just ended a two year relationship (the first in many many years). So while I don't fit into their "theory" necessarily I still don't know what it's like to date in my 20s.

4. You don't take care of yourself in any shape or form.

Fact: In 2008, approximately 27% of people aged 18 to 34 did not have health insurance. Hooray for being damn lucky and having a job with benefits!

Note to Invincible Man: The chain smoking, heavy drinking and excessive amounts of sun exposure will catch up with you. Your Speedy Gonzalez metabolism will eventually slow down and you'll have to swap the pizza and beer for fruits and vegetables. And strawberry-flavored edible panties don't count.

5. The place you call home is no more than a disgusting, dumpy squalor.

Fact: One-third of people in their 20s move to a new residence every year.

Unless you're living with your parents, what little place you can afford is merely a step above a cardboard box that comes equipped with a couple of obnoxious, lazy a-holes known as "roommates." The dishes pile up and you refuse to clean, because you always clean, and hey, it's the principle. The good news is that when you do finally get your own place, you'll get to furnish the cockroach-infested squalor with hand-me-downs and plastic junk from Ikea!

And people wonder why I don't want roommates.

6. You're not as smart as you think you are.

Fact: A person's brain is not fully matured until at least age 25.

Just because you graduated from high school and you pay your own bills, it doesn't mean you have the world on your own personal brightly colored string. You may as well take your youthful arrogance and go invest in some diapers, because You Know Nothing, a fact which you will repeatedly be reminded of throughout your 20s.

7. You work way too hard for too little pay at a crappy job.

Fact: People go through an average of eight jobs in their 20s, more than any other stretch. Okay let's count....since I graduated college (because workstudy jobs don't count) I've had....five....six jobs.... Guess I'm right on track. lol.

Once you do choose a career you think you will be able to tolerate for the next 40 years, you have to start from the depths of hell. Whether an intern, an administrative assistant or somebody's personal slave, starting from the bottom isn't exactly glamorous. Sometimes you don't even get paid. While interning at a popular tabloid rag, I worked grueling hours for free, fetching coffee and transcribing interviews. The only thing I learned was how to avoid carpal tunnel. This is called "paying your dues," and it sucks balls.

To give credit those six jobs are about 1/2 were "crappy jobs" and the other 1/2 in my "career field"

8. You think you're fat and ugly.

Fact: Nearly 30% of people who got Botox injections in 2009 were under the age of 30.

You hate your big nose, butt chin, love handles, forehead wrinkles, etc. In truth, you look as good as you're ever going to look, so embrace it. And if you think you're fat now, just wait until you're a 50-year-old sloth with a beer gut and age spots.

9. You're broke, but you spend money on stupid stuff anyway.

Fact: We are the first generation not projected to do better financially than our parents.

You can barely make ends meet on your pathetic entry-level salary, so you sign up for a credit card. Having an emergency card is a nice thought, but applying for five credit cards is not worth the free coffee mug. I didn't get the memo and wound up with a coffee mug, some useless handbags and $8,000 in debt. The interest made it impossible to pay off, so I cashed out my 401K in order to dig myself out of the financial suckhole, and now I have no retirement savings. Lesson? The minute you start seeing credit as "free money," you're in trouble. It's easy to swipe but a pain to pay off.

I plead the fifth.

10. You have reckless sex. A lot.

Fact: 86% of unmarried people aged 18 to 29 are sexually active. Men and women in their 20s have among the highest rates of STDs out of any age group.

You're new to this whole adulthood thing, which is why you're so good at making bad life choices, like obeying your yearning loins when it's last call at the bar. So if you're going to express yourself sexually with half of Chicago, wear a condom. They help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including the herp, the clap and the unwanted pregnancy.

Wrong. But then we've already established I don't "hook up" with people. Hooray for not getting STDs.

11. You still behave like a kid, so no one takes you seriously.

Fact: Most Americans believe that "adulthood" begins at age 26. So why am I 28 (and a half) and still don't feel like I've reached "adulthood"?

Blink-182 had a point: "Nobody likes you when you're 23, and you still act like you're in freshman year." What the hell is wrong with you? Much of the crud you pulled in adolescence is no longer acceptable in your 20s, but you're not an adult either, no matter how much you think you are. So in turn, no one really takes anything you say or do seriously. Sad face.

12. The dreaded draft could happen at any time.

Fact: In case of a national emergency, every male aged 18 to 25 must register for the Selective Service, otherwise known as the "draft."

We haven't used the draft since the Vietnam War because we have an all-volunteer military. But in the event that the government calls up the draft, the burden will fall on dudes in their 20s. So practice those squats and push-ups now.

13. You drink too much.

Fact: Rates of binge drinking are highest among those aged 18 to 25.

Young adults often seek reprieve from this tumultuous decade by drinking their emotions through a big plastic funnel. Whether because of stress, boredom, insecurity or simply the aching desire to get laid, twentysomethings get out-of-control tanked far more than any other age group. The onslaught of stupid beverages like Four Loko and silly get-sloshed-quick challenges (you've been iced, bro!) don't exactly foster responsible drinking, either.

OMG! No, no, no. I drank too much my freshman year of college...have lost a number of braincells because of it. A few months back a friend came to visit. I called the FB album of pictures "Hello Luke, Goodbye Liver" because we drank so much and I felt every ounce. Then this last weekend I had another friend come out. We didn't drink NEARLY as much, but still stayed out late...and I still felt it. I realized it's not the booze that I can't do anymore so much as it is the late nights.

14. You can barely rent a car, and if you do, you have to pay for your age.

Fact: In 2008, approximately 27% of all U.S. car crashes involved drivers under the age of 25.

You learn to drive at 16 — that's nine solid years of behind-the-wheel experience! Yet you are stuck paying insane fees if you want to rent a car and are under the age of 25, because apparently, you are not to be trusted. Then again, it could be because you drink too much.

15. You can't take back those stupid, impulsive decisions you make.

Fact: 36% of those aged 18 to 29 have at least one tattoo. Yea. So what?

Twentysomethings are fickle beings, so if you love Tweety Bird now, you might not love him at 40. Therefore, it might be best not to get the dumb yellow cartoon tattooed on your forearm, unless you've given it a lifetime of thought. I proceeded to get a large, emo-esque star tattooed on my wrist (see above) when my boyfriend and I broke up. Maybe I wanted to deflect the pain from my newly broken heart, or perhaps I was acting out, but either way, I can't help but wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Okay. Yes, I have a tattoo. No, it isn't of a cartoon character or other similar stupid image. No, I didn't get it because of, while with or after a boy. I got it because I wanted to. It's an image I know I can live the rest of my life looking at. It's an image I spent years contemplating before getting. And it's located in a place that won't stretch drastically with weight, age or babies. Sorry if yours is.

16. Your friends are jerks, and you neglect the important people.

Fact: Between the ages of 15 and 25 is when most people establish lifelong friendships.

Many of your buddies are suffering from their own mid-20s meltdowns, so in turn they behave like selfish, jerky turdheads. You don't really care, so long as you don't have to sit alone at the bar. Meantime, you often neglect those who really matter, who love you no matter what — your family and friends who stick by you through all the boozy blackouts, broken hearts and bad hair days.

If any of my loved ones read this and agree that I'm neglecting you. Please smack me upside the head. I have tried to 'weed out" the jerks and people just taking up space in my life so that I have time for those that mean the most. Hopefully I've succeeded.

17. Crazy, crippling, ridiculous insecurities are around every turn.

Fact: Of people 20 to 29 years old, 41% feel significantly pressured or have "almost more stress than they can bear."

Full of firsts (first job, first apartment, first raise, first bounced check), this third decade of life can come as a shock. Nothing (I mean, nothing) is ever how you plan it. You're probably not going be married at 25 and making six figures at 27. You might get laid off or knocked up or terminally ill. There's no way to tell, but you focus so hard on the destination, you miss the journey entirely.

Well, at least I know I'm not alone with my disappointments.

18. You're overly obsessed with social media and your imaginary friends.

Fact: 48% of 18 to 34 year olds check Facebook right when they wake up.

Facebook, Twitter and FourSquare — these are the only links to your old life, your friends from high school or college. You hang on to this time period desperately, spending more time than you like to admit voyeuristically obsessing over everyone else's seemingly better, more interesting lives. But no one posts photos of their breakup or that time they got fired. Their lives suck as much as yours does! Besides, most of these people aren't even your real friends

Can someone explain to me what FourSquare is? I'm still confused. I thought it was the game with chalk and a big red rubber ball we played in the street and had to dodge being hit by cars? There's an online version now? 

19. You're a whiny, spoiled brat.

Fact: Nearly two-thirds of young adults in their early 20s receive economic support from their parents. The number of twentysomethings living at home has risen by 50% since the 1970s.

Twentysomethings often take their parents (and everyone else around them) for granted, thanks to a false sense of entitlement because it is so haaaard being a young adult these days. So they sob into their smartphones and iPods and MacBooks, when they should really be slapped for being such silly, clueless tard monkeys.

20. You freak out over turning 30.

Fact: At age 30, you're older (and wiser) than 42 percent of Americans.

Attempting to survive your 20s can be so startlingly horrific, it would only make sense to get psyched about your 30th birthday, right? Yet so many twentysomethings obsessively dread entering this newer, gentler, kinder decade, when we should all take solace in the fact that the 30s are when the fun really starts. (Or so I hear.)

Nope. Not me. Sure there are things I thought I'd have and be doing (or done) by the time I reached 30 but I'm not freaking out about it. I'm not rushing to fill a void before life goes "downhill". I look forward to 30. I will be waiting there the eve of my birthday with open arms waiting for the older-wiser me.

Sources: NY Times, ABC News, NCBI, QuarterlifeCrisis.biz, LA Times, U.S. Census Bureau, Online Schools, CBS News, Hallmark Research, AAD.

Becoming a Portlander

So I've lived in Portland for over a year (17-18 months) and when people ask "How do you like Portland?" I always seem to give a "It's nice" level answer. It's pretty, it's got so much, it's nice to be near family, blah blah blah. But nothing committal. 

I just haven't found my groove as it were. I always have "blamed" it on where in town I live. I'm a 30-45 minute car ride away from the City Center (which is a 45-60 minute ride via public transportation). And the neighborhood I currently live in isn't conducive to walking out the front door and experiencing Portland. 

Adjusting to any new town or city isn't easy. There are things that set you apart from "locals'. Things here and there that people consider initiation into being a Fill-in-the-Blank-er. So here I am 18 months into living in Portland and looking to become a Portlander (without being eligible as a cast member on Portlandia). 

A few months back the Willamette Week (an alternative newspaper in town) published their Finder magazine which includes "100 things you must do to be a Portlander" (by Matthew Korfhage, AP Kryza, Aaron Mesh, Becky Ohlsen and Chris Stamm).....Warning to readers. The Willamette Weekly can and is not PC, it is sarcastic, crude and airs on the side of asshole-ish. So if you are easily offended you might want to stop reading here.

So here we go. What they think I need to do to become a Portlander (and my thoughts on their suggestions)

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100 Things You Must Do to be a Portlander

1. Throw away your umbrella - I don't think so. First I've heard this from people about Portland, San Francisco and Seattle. I've seen locals using umbrellas in all these places. And truth be told - a hat messes up my hair, a hoodie is not appropriate for my job and I don't want to look like a drowned rat to or from work. So I carry an umbrella with me at all times. Guess I'm just destended to not be a Portlander from the start.

2. Apply for a job at Powell's - I don't remember if I applied at Powells or not when I was seeking employment upon arrival. The cool thing I heard recently though is Powells prefers to higher people with higher education degrees. So if the gig I have fails at least I know I'm not over qualified for them. :)

3. Sell books at Powells - Haven't done this yet either. 0-3 so far. I tend to either not get rid of books, give them to friends and/or donate them to the Goodwill. 

4. Get a Multnomah County Library card (it's free) - Everyone in Portland reads! That's not a gross over generalization or blanket statement. Men, women, upperclass, homeless....they all have books and they'r always reading. I love that about Portland. Unfortunately I haven't gotten my butt up and around to getting a library card. I have plenty of books at home for now.

5. Get thrown off the MAX - No thank you. I have no desire to cause such a disturbance that I am thrown off the MAX! I have a trimet pass anyway. 

6. Thank your bus driver - Politeness for the win!! I do this every time whether I get off through the front or back doors. Nothing wrong with being grateful. 

7. Call a Radio Cab because TriMet doesn't run early enough to get you to the airport in time for a cross-country flight you booked before thinking about how you would get to the airport - Um.....? No? Yes I've called a cab (although not Radio Cab). Not to or from the airport.  And even if my flight was that early I know there are friends/family who would help me out. 

8. Learn how to pronounce Couch - For those of you who don't know...it's pronounced Kooch. *pause* Okay. Done giggling? Couch was a Portland founding father, blah blah blah. Yes I know the proper pronunciation and no I don't giggle over it. 

9. Cancel your social plans because it's raining too hard. - I don't think I've canceled on anyone because of the rain. There are days when it's raining so hard I decide not to venture out doors but I wouldn't cancel on friends due to the weather. 

10. Get a Netflix account, then get a Movie Madness account because you feel guilty.  - I have no idea what Movie Madness is. I'm assuming a more local version of Netflix (?) So another "no".

11. Join a food co-op or produce delivery service - Nope.

12. Eat meat surreptitiously. - Not going to happen.

13. Realize too late that city parking tickets double after 30 days - and keeps going. - Nope. Don't drive so I don't have to worry. 

14. Stand with a gaggle of misdemeanor offenders in the obscenely long metal-detector line at hte Multnomah County Courthouse. - Not yet.

15. Go to a strip club to play pool - Not that I don't have plenty to pick from but it hasn't happened.

16. Grow a half-beard. - I think that even though this hasn't happened to me, it's not going to count against me either. 

17. Get a haircut drunk - Never! No matter where I live!

18. Attend a themed pub crawl, like Santacon in December or the Urban Iditarod in March. Never do it again. - I had someone suggest I do this next year....Doubt it will happen.

19. Work off a hangover with an afternoon of Skee-Ball at Avalon Theatre and Wunderland Nickel Arcade  - Not yet and I'm not really a big fan of arcades....

20. Flirt at the Doug Fir fire pit. - Nope.

21. Watch the sunset from Mount Tabor - No objections to this, just hasn't happened

22. Forward a Portland-related story from the New York Times website - Of course I have! Forwarded them to folks living here as well as soon-to-be visiting friends. 

23. Deplore the Mexican food, until you discover a burrito cart - So I haven't discovered a burrito cart but we have found a few restaurants that satisfy us enough....for now (Don Pedro, Por Que No, La Isla Bonita)

24. Apply to grad school and don't go - Haven't applied. Thought about it but didn't even get to the application process part

25. Endure seasonal affective disorder (aka November) - Or you know...September through June...but whatever.....

26. Explain how you're still feeling bad about what happened to Elliott Smith. - Not so much

27. Use Craigslist to befriend somebody with a medical marijuana card. - Not going to happen...ever

28. Discover sliding-scale therapy. - Know it exists but haven't used it.

29. Walk the Eastbank Esplanade. - I've walked along the west side of river but never the east

30. Develop a passive-aggressive method to deter people asking for change and/or your signature. - I probably have but being passive aggressive just haven't realized I've developed it....denial stage still. :)

31. Take a bag of empty bottles to the grocery store return station for that precious $3 - We give them to my sister who does.

32. Sleep with somebody who works at New Seasons. - Haha. No. Haven't done this either. 

33. Experience Starbucks shame - This is not a Portland only concept. But since Starbucks not only gave my younger sister her first job ever, has treated her well and has given her insurance...Starbucks haters can kiss my ass.

34. Hate California - Never going to happen. Sorry folks. I still have my California ID

35. Quit a yoga class - Haven't joined one (yet)

36. Pick a side of the Willamette River (you're either a westsider or an eastsider. You can't be both). - This is soooo true! I was talking to a co-worker (who lives on the eastside) about how I was thinking of moving to the westside to be closer to work...the look she gave me!! You would have thought I just told her I decided to become a cannibal!

37. Gentrify a neighborhood. - Nope.

38. Pick berries on Sauvie Island- Nope.

39. Pretend to listen to OPB- Nope.

40. Embrace soccer. It's inevitable. - Nope.

41. Be outraged that Brandon Roy is dissed by NBA All-Star voters- Who?.That's soccer right? Oh! Basketball...got it!

42. Complain about mild traffic. - Get over it Portlanders. You don't like the traffic go try commuting home in LA

43. Shop for a station wagon - Volvo or Subaru - Haven't.

44. Buy a backyard chicken - No...and I honestly can't see this ever happening. Please if it does commit me!

45. Have an opinion on Oregon pinot - Why?

46. Vote! It's by mail, so you have no excuses. - Of course!!! A few times at this point!

47. Dance at the Fez, the Goodfoot or Ararat- Haven't.

48. Pull a phone number at a dog park.- Haven't.

49. Buy some outdoor gear (You don't have to use it).- Haven't.

50. Accidentally fuck up the compost bin at a Burgerville - I don't know! :S

51. Develop a deep-seated scorn for those tax dodgers in Vancouver - Whatever! I can't blame them for wanting to not pay Sales Tax either! If I lived in WA I'd try to get away with it too!!

52. Pretend you don't recognize somebody is a Suicide Girl- Haven't.

53. Be proud of your black friend. - Oh WW

54. If you've read Chuck Palaniuk, pretend you haven't, or vice versa - Again a town of liars?

55. Get laid off, join the creative class- Haven't.

56. Buy clothes from Red Light and try to sell them at Buffalo Exchange- Haven't.

57. Find a dress at the Red White & Blue Thrift Store.- Haven't.

58. Wear it to the Red Dress Party- Haven't.

59. Get lost in outer east Portland - I live in the OUTER east Portland so getting lost doesn't really happen. Now the west? That's a different story. 

60. Float down the Little Sandy River with liquored-up rednecks.- Not yet

61. Wait in line for brunch - There's no way around this. Portland is OBSESSED with breakfast/brunch. No matter where you go - if it's a weekend brunch you're going to wait. 

62. Crash your bicycle on the streetcar tracks while distracted by the sign warning you not to crash you bike on the streetcar tracks. - LMAO! I want to meet someone who has just to shake their hand. I wish I could say I've done this!

63. Drive over the Cascades at night. - Not at night.

64. Don't buy tire chains, then complain when Les Schwabe runs out during the annual snowstorm. - Snowstorms? Please. Yes, I bitch and moan every winter (I've been through two) but snowstorm? Unless you're commuting outside of Portland you don't need tire chains. And at this point everyone is so panicked from a few winters ago (when it did snow so hard the town of Portland shut down) that they all own snow tires or tire chains at this point.  

65. Be forced to disembark public transit because it's stuck in snow. - See above.

66. Hug a stranger at the Oregon Brewers Festival - Haven't gone to a Brew Fest yet so no stranger hugs.

67. Learn how hard it is to be pregnant and vegan - Well. Let's see. I haven't been pregnant and don't plan on being vegan...so I don't think this one is going to happen either. 

68. Take a filmmaking class at the NW Film Center - Haven't.

69. Watch The Big Lebowski with beer at a theatre- Haven't.

70. Mistake Gus Van Sant for a homeless person - I have to admit. I had to look him up. No clue who he was. So I may have....haha. 

71. Adopt a favorite homeless person, the only one you'll give money - I do have a  favorite in the sense of the most creative sign I've seen. I gave him the hot leftovers from my breakfast the one (and only) morning I saw him....but I would never just give one person money only. (Oh the guys sign said something along the lines of "Allergic to Jail. Too Ugly to Prostitute. Too old o work.")

72. Watch your favorite shitty bar get replaced by a condo - My favorite bars are far from shitty and none have been replaced by condos. 

73. Give your house a stupid name, as if it's a real music venue - Never going to happen.

74. Complain about a free concert - Bitch bitch bitch.

75. Britt Daniel - Um? Who?

76. Ride the 14-line Bus of Shame - Now I have ridden the 14-line but it was after a pot-luck and in the early evening. There was no Ride-of-Shame involved.

77. Distrust the police, even though all your interactions with them have been without incident - I've met a number of police offers and they've all been super polite and kind. However, I am an educated white woman. They (the police) have been a little trigger-happy lately if you ask some people. Doesn't mean I'm going to develop a distrust for them. 

78. Visit the Paul Bunyan statue in Kenton - No, but I WANT TO!!

79. Stop thinking the pronunciation of Couch is funny. - Already have. 

80. Get an Oregon drivers license (it's $60) - I was just talking about this with someone. My Cali ID is good until 2015...we'll see what happens then. 

81. Wait patiently in Camas for someone to pump your gas - Okay. So it wasn't Camas. But it was in Washington. We'd only been living in Oregon two months. We were on our way home from Thanksgiving dinner in WA and stopped for gas in the little town before we headed home. We didn't wait long luckily but it was that "Oh yea!" moment when we realized no one was going to come and pump our gas for us. 

82. Join an ironic/drunk sport - Probably not going to happen.

83. Fall asleep in a public place and have nothing bad happen to you. - Haha. I think I can say yes to this one. :) I wasn't feeling well and was on my way home from work. I closed my eyes on the bus and didn't realize when we pulled into the transit center (last stop - where I was to get off and transfer). A nice gentleman came and touched my shoulder letting me know it was time to get off. 

84. Become an Internet reverend. - Whatever. We did this in college. 

85. Take out-of-town relatives for an exciting "sway and dip" ride on the Aerial Tram. Realize there's nothing to do at OHSU unless you're sick. Ride back down. - Yea. You're not getting me on that Aerial Tram. Not going to happen. 

86. Get stuck on a bridge. - Hasn't happened. Yet.

87. Refuse to attend a party ~~ on the other side of the river - No. 

88. Show up an hour late to a show, and be angry it's already started - Is it just me or do Portlanders seem to be self-entitled whinny bitches?

89. See the Vaux's swifts fly into the Chapman Elementary School's chimney on a September evening. - I didn't even know about this but now I want to!

90. Own a Richmond Fontaine record - Nope. 

91. Talk about how much you enjoy Wordstock, even if you've never been - Is Portland also a town full of liars?

92. Take the farmers market for granted - Never. I'm so excited they're opening up again soon!

93. Follow a food cart on Twitter - I do have a Twitter account but I don't think I follow a food cart.

94. Combine your love of found art and recycling at Last Thursday - Never been. 

95. Crash a Wieden+Kennedy office party- Never been.

96. Have a long conversation about Noam Chomsky - Is it bad I don't know who this is?

97. Love Bud Clark - I'm just not allowed to be a Portlander because I have no idea who any of these people are!!

98. Refer to your spouse as your "partner" - There's nothing wrong with using all inclusive language....I don't do this but still....

99. Travel to Cannon Beach or Newport for Mo's clam chowder  - Now I went to Newport this past February for my birthday. And we ate at the ORIGINAL Mo's. My sister and her boyfriend both got the clam chowder (I tried some of theirs) and really it was nothing special. I won't be going out of my way again to eat there. 

100. Get caught in the rain at Cathedral Park; take shelter under the St. John's Bridge. (Bonus points: Fall in Love).  - Haven't been to Cathedral Park, taken shelter under the bridge but wouldn't be against getting a few bonus points (at this point I need all I can get).

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So what do you think? Which numbers should I strive for to become more Portlander-like?

Recluse vs Reserved

Tomorrow night is the company holiday party at a local ballroom. 

I've been part of the planning since the beginning: location, food, theme, how the proceeds of the auction will be spent, etc. I've helped with it all and yet, I'm dreading the event. 

Crowds of up near 90 people swigging down cheep keg beer and $6 bottles of wine. Standing around shumoosing with people I'm sure only 1/2 the time remember my name or that I'm a staff member (and not a student). Forcing myself to choke down under-salted hor d'oeuvres and dry entries. Watching the clock tick tick tick and wondering how early is too early to slip out the door and call a cab home. I dread large social interactions. 

I wouldn't call myself a wall flower. I don't find a dark corner and try to blend in with the surrounding decorations. I plaster a smile on my face and try to chit-chat. 

But the results are always the same. 

Me standing a half-step back from a circle of people who have known one another for years and who go out together for happy hour every Friday night. They're standing around talking about people or things upon which I have no interest or knowledge. Something might be said in my direction and I'll respond with something (I think) is witty only to be face to face with blank and confused stares. I'll awkwardly smile and sip my drink as they turn back to one another and that will be my cue to slip away and return to an empty table where I'll pretend to be in the middle of an intense and involved texting conversation. 

It's not that I don't like people. 

It's not that I don't enjoy going out for drinks and dancing. 

There's just something about a large (forced) social situation where I'm expected to put myself out there - expose myself as it were - to strangers and enjoy myself. 

I like my coworkers (we're planning on a small holiday lunch/dinner just the five of us), they're funny and inviting but I also know that I can't expect to attach myself to them like some Holiday Barnacle. 

My mother is worried that my current living situation (in a house with her and my younger sister) isn't good for me....that it's turning me into a hermit. 

GREAT! Somehow moving to Portland has turned me into a socially awkward recluse that lives at home with Momma. How the hell did my life get so bad that my mother now pities me?

I don't think I'm a hermit. I don't avoid any contact with the outside world. If I did I'd work from home, have groceries delivered, shop only via ebay or infomercials and not have any friends.

No, I'm not a hermit. I'm just shy. I've spent so many years building protective walls around me, trying not to get hurt, that now I can't escape them. I'm a Rapunzel who cut her hair before Prince Charming could even find her. (And no, I'm not saying I'm expecting a man to "fix" it all. Here Prince=Social Life)

The real "funny" thing is I'm sure some friend will read this and be surprised. Around people I know and trust enough to let in I'm anything but shy. I'm loud, bubbly, always full of smiles and not afraid to speak my mind. 

I don't know how these two parts of me manage to coexist inside me? 

There are days when it's more of a battle or war zone inside than a duality of peaceful coexistence. The struggle of wanting to go out into the world and the need to curl up in my bed with a security blanket and hide. 

It's a struggle I fight every weekend and am sure will continue for many years. So please if you invite me out on a Friday night and I cancel on you. Please don't take it personal. It might just be that the war is raging inside.

"Bah! Humbug!"

The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving seems but a distant memory and Christmas is fast approaching (even faster it seems since I also celebrate Yule) and then before we know it 2010 will be just a memory. 

I can't remember the last year though that I felt in the "Holiday Spirit".

I'm not expecting a Norman Rockwell Christmas but for many years now I feel more and more like an Ebenezer. Thanksgiving just means sitting around with people I don't know at someone's house making small talk and pretending I'm enjoying the over salted stuffing and dried out turkey. Christmas means dealing with cats eating tinsel and finding gifts for people I know will probably end up in their local Good Will. New Years is just another night of going to bed late and then forcing myself to remember to write "2011" and not "2010" on bills and paperwork.

I try every year to make things different. To find my inner Rockwell....but then something happens and my holidays turn more into A Christmas Story (sans the Chinese Dinner for Christmas Dinner...we do that at Easter).

The "bah humbug" feeling started when I was 8 - all in one holiday season (a few days before Christmas) I found out that Santa, the Tooth-fairy & the Easter bunny didn't exist AND then I learned I was going to be a child of a "broken home"...my parents were getting divorced. The day after Christmas my mother, 6 month old sister and I packed up our belongings and moved out so my soon-to-be stepmother could move in. 

My high school sweetheart romance ended during the holiday season - a 2 year relationship coming to a close because he'd fallen in love with his best friend.

There was the Thanksgiving season of 2004 when my grandmother, who I had lived with since my parent's divorce, who had been increasingly ill passed away. We buried her the day before Thanksgiving. As a family we combined our strength and still got together that year - all the aunts, uncles and cousins gathered together to eat her recipes and comfort one another. 

Last year was the first holiday season without the large family gathering that I'm accustomed too - being only a few months after moving to a new state.


This year is the second holiday season without my special-someone and now we're half way around the world from one another so that we aren't even going to be celebrating the holidays on the same days.


Anyway...this isn't meant to be a pity party.
This isn't a "I hate the Holidays" blog.
This is a "How can I get into the Holiday Spirit" blog entry.... 
So how shake off the Ebenezer and put on the Kriss Kringle cap?


Browsing the web I came across University of Maryland Medical Center's website has tips on how to "Beat the Holiday Blues" - their tips were:


- Delegate: Try not to do it all yourself. Easier said than done. I'm kind of a control freak (*shush* no comments from the peanut gallery please). When I'm cooking - Get out of my kitchen! When I'm putting away groceries - Get out of my kitchen! (do you see a theme?) I do try though. But really I was raised to believe it's just better do it yourself because you know it'll be done the way you want it. 

- Spend Some Time Alone: Take a breather. Find a quiet space to relax and charge. Oh don't worry! When it comes to alone time I do the best I can (hard when you live in a teeny-tiny condo with three other people but I try). I have to say that's one thing I miss from living in the Bay Area of CA. I lived in a part of town that I could just walk outdoors and go somewhere. Yes, I live in a large city but on the outskirts where getting anywhere takes an hour. But like I said I do what I can. 


- Let Go of the Past: Life brings changes. Don't dwell on the past. Again it's something I try to do. I know that change happens and usually (in the end) it's for the best. Even though the beginning of this blog talked about past holidays and the events that made them not the best...I go into each holiday season hoping for the best. Adding a new cookie to the list of Christmas cookies (baking makes me happy), putting the decorations up a little early, going to season celebrations, etc. Looking forward to the new year and the new opportunities that might come with it. 


-Don't Drink too Much.  Not too worry. Yes I can toss them back every once and a while but when I'm down I stay away from the alcohol.  Don't want to be telling Great Aunt Stella how her orange lipstick makes her look like a $2 hooker. 


-Give Yourself a Break: Don't think in Absolute terms. There's nothing I hate more than absolutes. "You never", "you always", etc but I know we all tend to do this sometimes. "I'm not a good artist" or "I can't cook" can bring down our own self esteem without even realizing it.  And I've worked hard over the years to stop and be a bit easier on myself. 


Now while I respect the medical profession none of these are sparking a "OH YEA!!" type feeling inside. I don't expect to go home tonight and jump up and down that I only have two weeks until the holidays are right on top of me. 

I will try. 

I will continue to walk with my head held high when walking through downtown looking at all the window displays. I'll continue to bake bake bake. I'll go to the Pittock Mansion this weekend and admire the antique designs. I'll visit the Oakland zoo's Zoolights. And appreciate the special time I have with my family. 


Hopefully somewhere in all of this the Scrooge inside of me will wake up and embrace the Christmas Cheer.

One Night Stands and $3 Pitchers

A friend, and fellow blogger, recently asked for friends to email their blogs to him so he could develop and build his own blog following. That got me to start just scanning through other blogs/websites. I found some of beautiful photography, creating and changing the art world, and even discovering that a friend's blog (that I have obviously neglected for some time) has changed url addresses. 

There were also some unfortunate missteps....

Including a well disguised one called "25 things to do before you turn 25". 

Now at first when I saw the title I thought, "well I'm over 25 so let's see how well I did"

I started to read... 

"Your college experience flies by so fast that you’re often stuck standing in line for graduation wondering where the past four years went...." 

Very true; and now five-six years after I graduated college I still wonder where the years flew away to...then sentence two and three came along.... 

"You vaguely remember meeting your best friend when she held your hair back after your first frat party and you kinda remember that all-nighter you pulled to get 3 term papers done in one night. But the rest is a blur of theme parties, walks of shame, and begging your older sister for her fake ID."

Now there's nothing wrong if you met your best friend over a toilet, asked your sister/brother for their fake ID and who of us didn't have a night or two of cramming as many papers and studying in as we could. 

But I worried. 

Was this website going to do nothing but encourage the image that the purpose of "going to college" is to be as obnoxious, self-indulgent and vapid as you can before "growing up" and becoming a real adult...

"Before you know it, you’re out in the real world, working a real job alongside real people, wondering what happened to no-class Friday and $3 pitchers. And trust me, it ain’t fun.... I’ve put together the ultimate list of everything we, as fun-loving and fearless women, need to accomplish before we turn 25."

I consider myself a fairly "fun-loving and fearless" woman, and while there were a few on this list (which by the way was written by a STAFF of people) that I thought made sense (#5 Confront a fear, #16 Go 24 hours media free...) they weren't all necessarily as enlightened or something I feel 20-Something women should inspire to do.

#1 "Have a really good one night stand"...not just in general but "with a gorgeous guy". They proceed to inform you don't need to worry about any kind of connection other than physical, that you can just take the morning after pill, you won't ever need to contact him again, etc. OMG!! In a world still battling HIV/AIDS (not to mention other STDs and STIs) how can a website promote anonymous, unsafe sex?

#7 "Splurge on an awesome pair of jeans" How is this something to make sure you accomplish before turning 25 years old? I'm sorry you will never see me buying a $100plus pair of jeans. I don't care if they are magical and fit all different sized bffs.

#13 "Try an exotic food you can't pronounce" Now some folks may say I'm just starting to nit-pick now. After all the website is encouraging people to try new food/things right? Well how about learning how to pronounce the food? Or while you're out living in another country (#3) you..oh I don't know...learn the language so you can pronounce that "exotic" food. 

#17 "Skinny dip"...that's it, no explanation or reason, just "skinny dip".... Now my objection to the term SKINNY dip aside (I prefer nude swimming) couldn't they have said 'Go skinny dipping because it will help feel more comfortable with your body. Allow yourself to be happy with who you are.' No. Because after all that would be helpful.

Some just didn't make sense as to why they should be done BEFORE turning 25.... "Take your parents out to a nice dinner: because they deserve it", "Donate blood", "Learn to drive a manual", "Road trip with your friends", "See a Broadway Show", "Get a job working with food or clothes", "Be bold and have sex with the lights on"...

I don't object to all of these things. 

What I object to is applauding a superficial life of irresponsibility. 

With a media-world full of news articles like "What Is It About 20-Somethings?" spouting off that we don't want to accept responsibility and are on a perpetual Peter-Pan syndrome ride of living in Mom's basement and not wanting to grow up; and with tv shows like Jersey Shore, Real Housewives and Keeping Up with the Kardashians encouraging and promoting materialistic non-consequential lives....we 20-something need to realize that real-life is not a reality show and these 25 things to do in life aren't all there is out there. 

How about adding life goals like learning a language not because you have to but because you love the way the words sound...create weekly/monthly dinner parties to share in life's joys with friends/family...start a new hobby...find a job that you look forward to going to every day...rescue a dog/cat from a shelter...fall in love...fall in love again...

These are the things I want to accomplish in my life.