Wednesday, July 27, 2011


As you know, I rejoined the dating world for when I became "single" again that's up for debate...but the point is I hoped back on the dating wagon.   And I'm wondering has anyone ever found themselves repeating a dating pattern?

I'm not talking about always dating brunettes or people with blue eyes; I'm talking about patterns of behavior, of choice, and of consequences. 

CBS News had a segment back in 09 about "Breaking Your Disastrous Dating Patterns" with Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of "Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love," and the they list the "Most Common Deadly Dating Patterns"(why is the news always so over dramatic?).  Of these "Deadly Dating Patterns" I suppose I fall into all four....

"Every woman falls into terrible patterns, Kirschner observes, adding that, if any woman looks at past relationships, she would fall into one or more of these categories: "The Hermit," "The Flameout," the "I Will Make You Love Me," and the "Not Perfect, I Will Pass."....well now, I do not believe that every woman falls into terrible patterns.I do believe that lately I'm starting to see patterns in my own dating.

Not necessarily "bad" patterns...unless I think too long on it and then I see them as self-destructive and they take on the form of giant brick walls guarding me...keeping me from being "really" hurt (whatever the hell that means). 

They're possibly patterns of avoidance, falling for men thousands of miles away, patterns of men who fall hard and quick for me as I them, patterns of falling for Mr. (Feels) Right too quick. 

I'm trying to keep my options open....not deleting my dating site account, not snubbing anyone who might email me, or those who I have been emailing with....but I have met someone. Someone who stirs things in me I haven't felt since Mr. Hong Kong and I first started dating. 

I know that these could very easily be because Mr. Connecticut is playing to my more traditional sides by asking permission to call me....Sickening sweet I know but I'm a sucker for sweet and traditional. (Also, can I just interject here that Mr. CT has called me every day for the past five days? More than Mr. Hong Kong ever did...not that I'm here to compare men/relationships)

My concern is that he's nearly 3,000 miles away. I feel that I'm developing a pattern of falling for non-local men so that I don't have to worry about the person-to-person closeness/intimacy. 

Yes, I found him on a website for people who are and prefer plus size folks....
Yes, he's expressed the fact that I am very much his type (both mentally and physically)....
Yes, he is very much my type (mentally and physically -  within the limitations of what we know about each other at this point)....but that's just my point! 

Why couldn't I find a man "my type" here in Portland? 
Why am I repulsed, time and time again,
by the men who express interest in me locally? 

Am I being too picky? 
Am I being not picky enough?


  1. You're not too picky. Dating is hard, bad patterns or not. Sure some of them are unhealthy but there's also reasons we date similarly type guys sometimes. They're into the same things we are, same passions and interests. Some things just go hand in hand.

  2. I wouldn't be TOO concerned about it. Part of the reason self help books sell is because they make people anxious about their lives, after all. The only thing that really matters is what you really desire from a relationship. If you want someone to hold you, to get ice cream with on a whim, to hold your hand on long star lit nights then quite simple a long distance relationship isn't going to fill those desires and you might want to look for something locally. However, if you are willing to postpone those and are more interested in focusing on emotional connection and building intimacy through communication then there isn't any reason to avoid long distance relationships. Love can hurt just as much whether it's across the street or across the country. I've been reading Add More ~Ing To Your Life by Gabrielle Bernstien to help me deal with my fears around career, and I highly recommend it.

  3. You're not too picky, honey! Hang in there...

  4. So I thought about this all day. And here's the thing. Patterns are not necessarily bad patterns. They exist for reasons. Sometimes those reasons are outdated, sometimes not. I think, for me, the important thing to ask about patterns is always, what do I get from them? I have a lot of dating patterns (well, I assume I'd still have them if I were dating) and they're different from yours, sort of, but I was imagining why I might have those particular patterns.

    1) If I had some questions about my own romantic viability, no matter how ill-founded those questions were, a person who fell hard for me would be easy to fall hard for. It's very seductive to have someone throw themselves all in like that. (In actuality I think people who fall hard for me are probably crazy and can't imagine why they'd want to, so I may be way off base, but you see the process)

    2) Long distance is a lot about emotional intimacy, less about physical intimacy. If I were more comfortable with emotional intimacy, for whatever reason, that might be comforting. I have gone through times where I was. . .re-evaluating how I saw myself as a physical and sexual person, and my subconscious let me know in various ways that physical intimacy was the wrong thing at that time. So. . .maybe the pattern is a way of your brain telling you it's still figuring things out.
    But! CT is a lot closer than Hong Kong, so maybe you're closer to being ready to break the pattern.
    Also, I see nothing less-painful about a broken long distance relationship, so I don't think you're running from emotional pain, and I don't see a problem with Mr. Seems Like a Good Idea. You never know when getting into something easy will lead to true love. I know this for sure.
    I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I am very much asleep.

  5. Don't settle unless you're really happy.
    not worth it.

  6. BE PICKY! {note- it doesn't sound like you're being too picky} We have to guard our hearts, and never settle.
    Portland has slim pickins when it comes to respectable guys. So many trendy hipsters looking for that stick thin girl! {I live in P-town too} But I do believe that there are good ones out there!!
    I agree with Abi concerning self help books... they often make you all the more anxious {at least they did for me}. Don't dissect the situation too much. Do what makes you happy. And if Mr. CT does that, than awesome!
    Your Prince Charming is out there!

  7. Be picky! :-) New follower over from