Big Butt Blog

I love when things just fall into place sometimes. Not wrong place wrong time but instead right place right time. For me today the right place right time was reading an essay by Erin J Aubry, called "The Butt: it's politics, it's profanity, it's power" (part of the "Body Outlaws" anthology.

As I write this I'm sitting on a small plane headed from Portland to San Francisco (eventually making my way to San Diego). When I say small plane I mean put your carry on luggage below because the overheads are the size of a bread box, four seats across small.

The airline doesn't matter.

What does matter is today, this flight, was the first time I EVER in my nearly 10 years of flying as an adult, had to ask for a seat belt extension.

I was mortified.

Despite being size 26, and having good ol' fashioned birthing hips and a big butt I've always been able to wear a standard airline seat belt. 

Yes they've always fit snug over my hips but it's supposed to. Sometimes I've had to sit up straight, slip the belt under my belly to

have it sit across my lap.

But never have I had it not fit.

Not click into itself.

Thankfully I was one of the first on the plane and there were not that many people in the back of the plane when I slipped beside the flight attendant and had to ask for a "belt extension". The flight attendant smiled and politely asked what seat I was in as she handed me the balled up belt.

Did it have to be a different color?

Did she have to ask what seat I was in so everyone around knew the woman in 11D didn't fit in her seat?

Now to be fair to myself I fit in the seat. My hips and thighs don't spill over into my neighbors seat. It's just the combination of my hips, butt and stomach just were two or three inches too big to fit into the airlines expectation of "maximum size".

No matter how you look at it. No matter what spin you put to it. It was still the first time I had the thought "I'm too fat to fly".

Enter Erin Aubry's "The Butt".

Now while I cannot claim to know first hand the social stigmas and perceptions the country/world puts onto woman of color and their butts. A number of things that Aubry discusses in her essay spoke to me and I could relate my own personal experiences of being a big butt

woman.

"I have a big butt. Not wide hips, not a preening, weightlifting-enhanced butt thrust up like a chin, not an occasionally saucy rear that throws coqettish glances at strangers when it's in the mood and withdraw like a turtle when it's not. Every day, my butt wears me...."

I often feel this way. That no matter what I wear, how I try to camaflage it, there is no hiding that I have a BUTT! Although (perhaps) unlike Erin Aubry I also have wide hips. And there are days when I'm convinced my butt and hips are teaming up and flirting with strangers when I'm not looking. Winking and giving come hither looks to every man on the street.

I have no control over it and it gets me in trouble. My butt/hips are out there socializing away and then when the men come up to me and use such original come-ons like "Hey there Momma" and "Mmm. Damn girl"- I have to be the bitch that turns them down... It also doesn't help that

I think my breasts are in on the scam with my hips and butt.

There are days when I just cannot stand my butt/hip duo and want to vote them off the island.

Days when it doesn't matter how many pairs of pants I try on I just can't find a pair that fits. Either they fit around my waist but have too much fabric in the seat so it looks lime I've got a load back there. Or they fit fantastic over my butt, with curves in all the right places but I can't make the button up. Because I'm telling you now I don't do elastic waist bands unless we're talking pjs or lounge pants.

Days like today when something as insignificant as an airplane seat belt makes me hyperaware that I have a "larger than average" sized body and society isn't sure what to do with it.

"I'll admit: For all my hand wringing, I'm growing accustomed to my butt. It's a strange and wonderful development....as I've gotten heavier I've actually gotten more comfortable with how I look....So what if America, in it's infinite generosity, wants to hp me get rid of this bothersome behind....More and more, my response has been: I am going to eat cake. I will wear the things that fit-whatever ones I can find-with impunity. I will walk this way. I don't have an issue, I have a groove thing. Kiss my you know what."

This last piece of Aubry's essay is really what sang out to me. I am currently near the heaviest weight I have ever been (actually the heaviest was approximately three years ago but only by about fifteen or twenty pounds more) but I believe I'm also the most comfortable with my body...until days like today.

(End Note. I returned via this same airline on my way home from San Diego. This time on a standard 747 and my seat belt fit just fine)

Mermaid or Whale?

French model Tara Lynn

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. 

They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.




Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

Article: What Size Are You, Really?

What Size Are You, Really? The Truth Behind Vanity Sizing

- Lisa Marsh

Like most new moms, Erin Correale wants to whip her wardrobe back into shape.

Correale has it easier than most. At 38, she’s within 10 pounds of the weight she’s been since her teenage years. But her clothing size isn’t.

“I wear a size two in Ann Taylor, a four in Banana Republic, a six in Old Navy, a four at Coldwater Creek and a friend told me about Chico’s, but told me I would have to look at a size zero,” she says. “I never like size zero—it’s encouraging people to be waifs. That doesn’t make me feel good.”

Sizes zero, two, four and six all for one woman? Is Correale lost in the looking glass, growing and shrinking at every turn like Alice, or is there something seriously askew with the sizing of clothing?

It’s no mistake. The American apparel industry has created an intentional system of “Vanity Sizing.” The increasing use of the smaller sizes—a size 12 in 1970 is now in the size four-six-eight range—is meant to make consumers feel better about buying clothing.

Standards—or Lack Thereof

When it comes to sizing, there are no universal standards. A woman with a traditional hourglass figure with 36-24-36 measurements can wear anything from a size zero to a size ten, depending on the brand and whether it’s sold at the designer, contemporary, junior, bridge or mass level.

The only standard that does exist is to con the buyer into believing she’s smaller. Over time, sizes are getting roomier, allowing women to believe they can still squeeze into a more desirable size two, four, six or even eight.

“At this point, sizes are meaningless. They’re more relative than anything else,” Bill Ivers, chief operating officer of MSA Models told YouBeauty. His agency specializes in providing fit models for designers and brands.

“Sizes are not standard by design,” he explained. “It helps brands be unique and offer an edge over the competition. Brands are looking for brand loyalty and if last season you were an eight and this season you’re a size six, that’s a sales tool. We all look to apparel to make us look good, feel comfortable and confident.”

Even celebrities fall victim to the need for vanity sizing.

One actress cold-called Robert Verdi, style director at FirstComesFashion.com and a celebrity stylist who regularly works with stars like Eva Longoria and Kathy Griffin, and asked him to wardrobe her for multiple appearances during an awards season.

Her publicist said the actress was a size 12, and because they were working on a quick turnaround of less than three weeks, Verdi couldn’t ask designers to make anything custom, so had to rely on pieces designers had in stock.

“We looked at pictures of this woman and I called her publicist back and asked her, is she really a size 12?” he told YouBeauty. “The publicist insisted she was a 12.”

When Verdi and his team packed the dresses up for the trip to Los Angeles, “we snuck in some 14s, 16s and even some 18s.”

Though Verdi told the actress that everything was a “size 12,” the actress “wasn’t happy,” he said. She ultimately wore several of his picks, but one of the dresses was altered to fit by making it six-to-eight inches shorter. The fabric was then added as a panel on the back of the dress so the “size 12” would fit.

“She didn’t want to be bigger than that in her head. A number means so much to so many people,” he added. That's really too bad since the numbers are pretty much meaningless and there are no standards in place.

This lack of sizing standards wasn’t always the case.

Until January 20, 1983, the U.S. Department of Commerce and the National Institute of Standards and Technology offered specifics for the sizing of apparel with body measurements for men, women, junior women, young men and children. These standards began in the late 1940s as a byproduct of the necessity for size-standardization in military uniforms during World War Two. Committees that included textile manufacturers, designers and retailers worked with the Department of Agriculture to determine these sizing standards and all adhered to it.

The program was discontinued in 1983. The measurements were not keeping up with the typical American body, which was changing due to better medicine and nutrition, along with an influx of new and varied ethnic groups. Sponsorship of these standards was assumed by private industry. That marked the start of sizing’s new Wild West, a lawless, volatile environment that continues today.

An End in Sight?

“Each designer has their own vision of what they imagine as the ideal person to wear their clothing,” explained Tanya Shaw to YouBeauty. “Designers will hold true to what they believe.”

Shaw is the founder and president of MyBestFit, a sizing system that scans your body for about 10 seconds and then provides you with sizing recommendations for styles from over 30 brands like the Gap, Old Navy, Talbots and J Brand.

“We help customers decode sizing and that makes shopping as simple as uniformity,” she explained. “We should find clothes that fit our bodies, not sizes we like to hear.”

The company currently operates one scanner at the King of Prussia Mall in the suburbs of Philadelphia, PA, but will be adding 45 more locations in fall 2011. Though a Personal Shopping Guide from MyBestFit in King of Prussia will only provide resources that are in that mall, you can enter your identifying code on the company’s web site to find what other sizes and brands will fit you when shopping at another location or online.

“When you cut the confusion out, consumers buy more,” Shaw said. “They have told us the conversion rate [from shopper to buyer] of 100 customers is normally 20 percent. With MyBestFit, in some cases, it’s as high as 90 percent. Imagine if you went into a fitting room and it all fit—your shopping time is more productive.”

Cricket Lee is taking it a step further and attempting to get standards back into the lexicon of apparel makers and designers. She founded Fitlogic, a patented sizing system that fits by body type and size. Though it is now accepting pre-orders online for fall shipments, Lee has spent five years struggling to bring it to market. Because each brand has its own sizing, designers and apparel manufacturers weren’t interested.

Her labeling categorizes women in three shape groups—circle, hourglass and triangle—and the Fitlogic label carries the traditional size plus a number for one of these categories.

“The truth will set you free and if you know you’re a size four and shape three, you know a size 4.3 in FitLogic will fit you every time,” Lee explained. “Women don’t have the time to mess with trying on sizes. It is debilitating to walk into a fitting room with 10 pairs of pants and have nothing fit.”

“It’s progress and it will happen,” she added. “If this can reduce return by 75 percent, how can designers and retailers ignore it?”

MSA Models’ Ivers is skeptical that day will come. “There is no universal fit and I doubt that there ever will be. If five people take measurements of the same person, there will be five different measurements,” he said. “Consumers have to learn to adapt to the fact that today you’re a size zero and tomorrow, you’re a four.”

While new mom Correale admits she “loved being a size two at Ann Taylor, I didn’t really believe it.” Shopping certainly isn’t any easier. “I don’t know how to shop other than taking three sizes into the fitting room or having someone run back and forth for me. It never works.”

Shopping woes aside, maybe Lee is correct and the truth will set you free. If knowing that a number on a tag is meaningless will free you from getting hung up on sizes and allow you to focus on the best fit for you, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.

Size 2 = Curvy?

I was logging onto Yahoo Messenger this afternoon and saw this headline:

 

Now I have no issues with Jennifer Love Hewitt as a person (although I don't  follow Celebrity News so really she could be an awful human being and I'd have no idea). What I do have is an issue with media saying that, "Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt proved that real women do have curves upon arriving at the premiere of her latest movie..."

SHE IS A SIZE 2!!!!!

So what I want to know is since when does a size 2 equal "curvy"? I'm not saying her breasts and hips aren't "curvy" but only because the rest of her is so tiny!And what kind of message is that sending to women (and girls) who are sizes 12 or 22?

Weight = Life Burden?

So my first thought when reading this article was they need to do way more research and study various generations as well. I'm not denying that being an "over weight" teenager is hard (on both girls and boys) and that studies have shown women make less then there male counterparts. But this study is all over the place (in my opinion) - from women who are heavier are less likely to graduate college, to they are less likely to be hired for a position (with of course fostering the stigmas and stereotypes of "fat people are lazy"), to plus size girls aren't active in sports in high school, etc. 

Maybe it's just me and my personal story not connecting AT ALL with what they're "findings" are showing. I was on the "heavier" side in HS and not only graduated HS with a 3.75 but went on to be accepted into a highly rigorous academic college program (which I finished in the normal 4 years) and then went on to a (mostly) satisfying (female dominated) career (making 15.50/hour). Thank you very much.

Like I said, an interesting read nonetheless but perhaps a bit early to publish their "findings"

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Heavy in School, Burdened for Life

By Christy M Glass, Steven A Haas and Eric N Reither

Published: June 2, 2011

MUCH of the debate about the nation’s obesity epidemic has focused, not surprisingly, on food: labeling requirements, taxes on sugary beverages and snacks, junk food advertisements aimed at children and the nutritional quality of school lunches.

But obesity affects not only health but also economic outcomes: overweight people have less success in the job market and make less money over the course of their careers than slimmer people. The problem is particularly acute for overweight women, because they are significantly less likely to complete college.

We arrived at this conclusion after examining data from a project that tracks more than 10,000 people who graduated from Wisconsin high schools in 1957. From career entry to retirement, overweight men experienced no barriers to getting hired and promoted. But heavier women worked in jobs that had lower earnings and social status and required less education than their thinner female peers.

At first glance this difference might appear to reflect bias on the part of employers, and male supervisors in particular. After all, studies find that employers tend to view overweight workers as less capable, less hard-working and lacking in self-control.

But the real reason was that overweight women were less likely to earn college degrees — regardless of their ability, professional goals or socioeconomic status. In other words, it didn’t matter how talented or ambitious they were, or how well they had done in high school. Nor did it matter whether their parents were rich or poor, well educated or high school dropouts.

Our study, published last year in the journal Social Forces, was the first to show that decreased education was the key mechanism that reduced the career achievement of overweight women — an impact that persisted even among those who lost weight later in life. We found no similar gap in educational attainment for overweight men.

Why doesn’t body size affect men’s attainment as much as women’s? One explanation is that overweight girls are more stigmatized and isolated in high school compared with overweight boys. Other studies have shown that body size is one of the primary ways Americans judge female — but not male — attractiveness. We also know that the social stigma associated with obesity is strongest during adolescence. So perhaps teachers and peers judge overweight girls more harshly. In addition, evidence suggests that, relative to overweight girls, overweight boys are more active in extracurricular activities, like sports, which may lead to stronger friendships and social ties. (Of course our study followed a particular group from career entry to retirement, and more study is needed to determine whether overweight girls finishing high school today face the same barriers, though these social factors suggest they do.)

That overweight women continue to trail men — including overweight men — in educational attainment in America is remarkable, given that women in general are outpacing men in college completion and in earning advanced degrees.

What does this mean for policy? Previous studies have shown that overweight adolescents feel stigmatized by their peers and their teachers, have fewer friends and often feel socially isolated. Teenagers who feel less connected to teachers, school and peers are less likely to graduate and go on to college. So policies to help overweight girls need to work on two levels: promoting healthful behaviors and shifting attitudes.

Obesity is occurring in children at younger and younger ages, so prevention needs to start as early as primary school. While early intervention has obvious potential health benefits, it is also critical from a career perspective. In addition, overweight girls should be encouraged to participate in college preparation courses and extracurricular activities. Health education that focuses on diet and exercise but does not stigmatize overweight teenagers is critical.

Teachers and principals need to be aggressive in limiting bullying and looking for signs of depression in overweight girls. Teenage girls, regardless of body size, struggle with self-esteem and are at higher risk of depression than boys, so expanding health education to include psychological as well as physical health could help all girls. Public health campaigns should reframe the problem of obesity from one of individual failure to one of public concern.

The economic harm to overweight women is more than a series of personal troubles; it may contribute to the rising disparities between rich and poor, and it is a drain on the human capital and economic productivity of our nation.

Christy M. Glass and Eric N. Reither are associate professors of sociology at Utah State University. Steven A. Haas is an assistant professor of sociology at Arizona State University.

Bikini Bashing

Okay. I'm not here to bash bikinis. I have nothing against bikinis or the women who wear them. What I do have issues with is exactly what this article addresses. Magazines, commercials, gossip news, etc making women never feel they're good enough to wear bikinis.

Too much stomach.

Too much thigh.

Too little boob.

Who cares!?

If you like it.
If you feel good in it.
WEAR IT!
...and everyone else can screw off!

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‘Bikini-Ready’? Who’s Judging?

By CATHERINE SAINT LOUIS

EVERY spring, as sure as cherry blossoms bloom, so does the notion that women should diet, exercise and even liposuction their way to bikini-ready bodies. Magazines like Shape and Self reinforce the idea that preparation is essential, with months-long bikini body countdowns (100-calorie snack tips included) and workout DVDs like “Bikini Ready Fast!” as if the beach reveal were a test on par with the MCAT and only a slacker would settle for a one-piece.

“It really sends the message that you’re not worthy right now to put on a suit,” said Malia Mills, a swimsuit designer whose brand’s motto is “Love Thy Differences.” Ms. Mills, 44, said shoppers often declare in one of her 10 stores: “I just wanted to see what you had. I’m coming back when I lose five pounds.”

As our culture increasingly enshrines physical perfection, the bikini has come to inspire dread and awe. It wasn’t always so. In the 1960s, when bellybutton-baring suits first became popular in America, “it was a youthful phenomenon definitely,” said Sarah Kennedy, the author of “The Swimsuit: A History of Twentieth-Century Fashions.” Then the high-fashion set and movie stars began to put on bikinis, and by the ’70s, she said, the bikini was “worn by all ages.”

And a few extra pounds didn’t disqualify anyone, considering the fitness revolution was still roughly a decade away. (In the book there’s a 1940s photograph of a fresh-faced still-brunet Marilyn Monroe looking smashing in a blue-and-white striped two-piece, a roll of pale flesh at her midsection.)

Back then, bikini preparation was starkly laissez-faire by today’s grooming standards. In her recently published literary memoir, “Art and Madness,” Anne Roiphe wrote that in 1965, she suspected that a suitor was into her because of, not in spite of, the “tufts of dark hair that stuck out of the top of my bikini.”

But today it’s assumed that only the lean, muscular, hairless and ab-defined will feel comfortable in a bikini. “It’s become difficult to feel natural with a normal body,” Ms. Kennedy said. “Fatism has taken over. It’s O.K. to be mean to lumpy, lardy people. It’s a sort of subtle intolerance towards people that’s very bad.”

Thanks to the ubiquity of cameras, wearing a bikini is now scary even for gorgeous celebrities. Remember how Jennifer Love Hewitt was pilloried in 2007 for the crime of wearing a bandeau without being a size 0? Helen Mirren was accused of having had surgery when she dared to flaunt her (taut, toned) 62-year-old stomach in a tomato-red bikini a year later.

“It’s about everyone everywhere having a comment, and they are anonymous,” said Gabrielle Reece, the former volleyball star and now a fitness guru, who has also been captured bare-stomached by the paparazzi. “The bathing suit is really a metaphor for all the ways we can approach a lot of things,” she said. “Why would we punish ourselves when we don’t have to? Why dread that?”

But the bikini has become the star of several fear-inspiring marketing campaigns. A recent advertisement for Yoplait Light features an itsy-bitsy yellow-and-red polka dotted bikini hanging on a wall as a future award for the diligent yogurt eater.

Nivea has a Goodbye Cellulite, Hello Bikini! Challenge, which prods women to slim down and buy its products. Nivea also sponsors the Cosmopolitan Magazine Bikini Bash, which last year involved 100 lithe dancers in blue-and-white ruffled bikinis tossing their hair violently to the Midi Mafia’s song “Two-Piece” in front of 1,000 attendees at the Planet Hollywood resort in Las Vegas. The two male singers of “Two-Piece,” fully clothed, belted, “You all look like models off the cover of Cosmo.”

Amansala, a “bikini boot camp,” in Ibiza, Spain, and Tulum, Mexico, sells six-night stays starting at $1,875. “Our society definitely has a stigma of bikini readiness — my business thrives on that,” said Melissa Perlman, an owner of the resort, which she said mostly attracts women in their 30s and 40s. “But at the same time, we send a different message that you don’t have to be perfect. Feel good, take care of yourself, and looking good in a bikini will follow.”

Would-be attendees often call ahead asking, “Do all the women look like those on your Web site?” (That is, easy on the eyes and the jiggle.) Ms. Perlman said she was considering starting “a program for larger women who don’t want to be around women who look hot in their bikinis, but say, ‘I want to do this.’ ”

On April 12, Dr. Elie Levine, a plastic surgeon, and his wife, Dr. Jody Levine, a dermatologist, hosted a bikini season prep event at their Manhattan practice to cater to the worried (19 women and one man showed up). The doctors’ press release warned, “Summer is about revealing yourself and can be dreaded if your body is not ready,” then went on to list tips such as “zap away embarrassing veins” or “boost bikini confidence with lipo for stubborn areas.”

This month, when I visited the doctors, at the end of the interview, I hoisted my shirt, pointed to the crepey skin under my bellybutton, and grabbed a pinch of fat that wasn’t there before childbirth, back in my triathlete days. The Levines’ prescription: liposuction, a skin-tightening procedure, or a tummy tuck, which costs $10,000, with a painful recovery.

It might just be cheaper to gain a fresh perspective. “If you feel your body is strong, and you’re in good shape, you’re halfway there,” said Norma Kamali, 65, the designer of (among other things) modestly retro bathing suits, who now also has a wellness cafe in Manhattan. “You’re not going to go out looking for surgery to fill up your breasts, you’ll be satisfied and comfortable.”

Not all women let the camera-phone-wielding bikini police (or their own self-criticism) stop them from enjoying a two-piece. Ms. Mills calls this type a “good-attitude girl.”

“She is a phenomenon and totally inspiring,” she said. “She is of any age, any body, she has a totally great attitude, because she has had a come-to-Jesus moment with her body.”

28 Day Challenge - Check In

So I decided instead of posting a blog every day and boring the crap out of you all with "I walked around the building."...."I ran stairs"....blah blah blah. I'd do more of a weekly check in. 

Today is Day 16 of 28.

I've entered into my Outlook calendar 3 times to get up from my desk and go take a walk around the building (not including the walking I do on my lunch break). So far it's working great. It not only gives my eyes a break from the computer screen but it gets me up and moving and keeping warm (my office building has no real heat and I've been chilly lately). 

It's nice to have a "fall-back exercise" as it were. My goal for this 28-day challenge was to develop a new healthy habit. Adding in three walks to my schedule (including a pop-up window telling me to get out and go) every work-day helps me accomplish that. Doesn't mean though I'm not trying to do other activities outside of these walks. 

Thursday we went to the pool and swam for a while.

Saturday we went to Multnomah Falls and hiked (I didn't make it to the top but mostly because I didn't want to make the family wait below for me for too long).

It's interesting some of the things I'm observing/noticing over the past few weeks (most of which I'm sure is in my head). 

First I feel more emotional than I normally am. I know that exercising is supposed to release endorphins and therefore put you in a better mood...but that's not really what I've been experiencing. I've been out on a walk and had a burst of anger come from deep in my core. This weekend I had to go home and lay in bed to cry after a ridiculous comment from my brow-wax lady. No euphoria. No smile across my face. Just anger and tears. (WTF?)

The other thing I feel is that I've not been losing weight but gaining it. Now I know this is only Day 16 and I can't expect a miracle. I'd expect more to see no change...not an increase. Like I said this could just be in my head. But pants that don't fit, shirts that feel tighter than before, looking at pictures taken of me and seeing a larger and larger double chin. 

It's frustrating. 

I'm sticking to it though.

Coming Out Fat.

A friend recently posted a link to this article called "Guys Who Like Fat Chicks" (from the Village Voice) on her facebook page. I was a little hesitant about reading it but I trust her judgement and most times agree or like the other articles she posts. 

Here's a link to the article.

Okay. So I'm not sure why articles always feel like they have to parallel their cause with coming out as gay....but this article doesn't linger on it for long. It is nice to see an article that addresses the "FA" and not just BBW's with pride. A little on the long side (and pretty heavy on a single interviewee) but a good read nonetheless. 

I'm always excited/interested to read articles addressing the topic of plus size (the term I prefer to identify with) people (not just women) having normal relationships. That we (and the people who find us attractive) are not freaks of nature, we're not abnormal or something to be hidden and only talked about behind closed doors.  

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I come from a family of curvy women - not all of them are plus size, but there are few without hips, butts, breasts and other curves. 

I was destined to be a curvy lady. 

At my smallest (obviously post-puberty) I was a 14 and at my largest (a few years ago) was a size 28 (at around 280lbs). Today I'm around 260 and a size 26. 

I'm not ashamed. I'm not trying to hide my body behind muumuus and oversized sweats. 

It's true I say I "carry my weight well" because I think I do. I dress stylish and appropriate and have had people assume my weight/size was smaller than what it was in actuality. 

It's also true that I'm currently in the middle of a "28 Day Challenge" in which I'm trying to have more exercise in my daily life. I'm not doing that because I'm ashamed of how I look. I'm doing it so I can feel healthier, so I can battle the Seasonal Depression that knocks you over when living in such a grey part of the country.

*     *     *

I've had boyfriends, when I was, from one extreme of weight to another. None (that I know) of them came out as "Fat Admirers" but obviously they liked a little extra something since they were dating me. Most of them were "breast-men" and as you can see I've got them covered there. 

Even with a fair number of beaus growing up (five in the first year and a half of HS before dating my "high school sweetheart" the remaining two years) I did struggle with self esteem issues around my weight. After my HS sweetheart and I broke up I went through a depression that really took it (the wanting to date) out of me. I just didn't feel attractive or desirable. He didn't tell me I was fat, or give me an ultimatum to lose weight. We just broke up (like you do when you're in high school).

For the most part (after highschool) I just wasn't interested in dating. I did toy around with internet dating here and there. I remember one date I went on. He took me to see the (newer) Planet of the Apes. (Yippee?) I didn't even bother asking him up afterwards. I said "Thanks, have a good night" and closed the car door.

Then there was the guy in college. The rebel who drank vodka out of a 7-up bottle during our English Freshman seminar. The smooth talker who, when I was upset with him, would spout lines from cheesy romance movies (I'm talking "You complete me" level). The one who as soon as I slept with him wouldn't give me the time of day....yeah not a highlight in the Men-In-My-Life.

Then somewhere a few years ago things changed - I opened up to the idea of dating again and as a result met my sweetie. (See our love story here). 

*     *     *

I think it's wonderful that more and more people are "coming out" as appreciators and admirers of curvy/plump/heavy/plus-size women and men...let's not forget those of us who appreciate a stockier built man. 

I'm a plus size woman. I like men with meat on their bones. I like someone who enjoys going out and trying new food and doesn't expect me to eat a garden salad when there's pasta on the menu (I mean really now I'm 1/2 Italian!)

It bothers me sometimes when I see/hear friends express feelings about being unattractive. Everyone is desirable to someone. I truly believe that you just need to embrace yourself and see yourself as deserving and desirable before you can expect others too (or at least before you can expect to start noticing that others do already)

To close I just have this to say. 

If you don't understand how or why someone is attracted to me.... Just don't worry about it, no one's making you take me out in the first place.

28 Day Challenge - Day 10 Check In

Yesterday I had a successful day. I had a Net balance of 222 calories (meaning I ate 1091 but burned off 869). Rode the stationary bicycle at the gym for 20 minutes. Lifted weights for ten. Ate a salad for dinner. 

But mood-wise it was a bummer day. Everyone talks about how getting out and exercising will produce endorphins that help boost your mood. Well my endorphins must be busted because while exercising the only emotion I've felt to my core was anger...and afterwards was still being bummed out. 

Luckily I have amazing friends. I posted on facebook yesterday, "it's hard to build up motivation for the gym when you're in a bummer mood...meh. Alright. Where are my cheerleaders at?" I was overwhelmed by the response. People encouraging me. Reminding me how good I've done so far. Or just telling me to get off my behind and go do it. *lol*

Either way I went. Didn't feel much "happier" afterwards but I do feel like day 10 of 28 was a success.

28 Day Challenge - Day 9 Check In

"Today, I will try to feed myself when I am hungry.

Today, I will try to be attentive to how foods taste and make me feel.

Today, I will try to choose foods that I like and that make me feel good.

Today, I will try to honor my body's signals of fullness.

Today, I will try to find an enjoyable way to move my body.

Today, i will try to look kindly at my body and to treat it with love and respect"

-Live Well Pledge

Today we took my coworker out to lunch for his birthday (that was this past week). He just started a 28 day (different challenge) cleanse - eating (in phases) only raw food at the moment. So we went to a Vegan restaurant in town called Blossoming Lotus.

Even though I'm far from vegan (there's just no way I could abandon cheese) and I just can't wrap my head around the idea of "nut-cheese". I still had a yummy lunch; the Southwest Bowl - brown rice, spicy butternut & black bean chili, steamed greens topped with avocado ranch, roasted pepper sour cream, scallions and cilantro.

While I felt (very) out of place and the lunch was good, a friend put it best when she said "a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes covered in country gravy wouldn't be sitting as well right about now".

I came back to work and have done one quick lap of stairs (a figure eight basically) - down one, up another two (don't ask how that works). 

I plan on another few of those laps as the afternoon goes. (But I'm trying to be productive at work at the same time). :)

28 Day Challenge - Day 8 Check In

So yesterday definitely counted as my 1st freebie...and while I know I've allowed myself three freebies, I definitely feel like crap having used one. It was Mother's Day and I was productive around the house (cleaned my room to the tenth degree, did laundry, made breakfast for Mom, helped with dinner, and suffered through an allergy attack for the whole day) but the food was outrageous (made Grandma's Fried Chicken) and I never was able to make my way over to the pool. 

I made it through my first week and I know I should be proud of that. But a weeks always seems to be my maximum. I dive into a new routine and accomplish, accomplish, accomplish....and then a weekend hits and.....nothing..... 

I hope to stay dedicated and to continue into week two just as strong as I was in week one....

Fingers crossed.

28 Day Challenge - Days 6 & 7 Check in

I relaized I didn't do a check in for the last two days so I figured I'd combine them.

On Friday (day 6) I walked the half mile to the bus in the morning and still did laps throughout the day. It was such a cold windy day it was good to get out and run aro und to xjeep warm. Another big accomplishment was ibreduced how much snacking I did. I'm totally guilty of being a bored-snacker. Thankfully I've been keeping healthy snacks at work but doesn't matter how "healthy" a snack is if you binge on it. Overall, exercise and calories intake I think I did pretty good.

Yesterday (day 7) we took my mother out for a Mother's Day brunch (I'm so glad I made reservations)! I went into it thinking that it would be my first freebie day (see first 28-day challenge entry). The breakfast I had (breakfast nachos, a pomegranate champagne cocktail and coffee) came to over 800 calories...holy crap! BUT then came my exercise for the day...grocery shoppping! Now it may not seem like much of an "exercise" but this was 2 weeks worth of shopping, pushing a cart that had to have weighed at least 100 pounds (thanks to the two twenty pound cat litters), and dodging a million shopers and their families. I entered in the TWO HOURS I "leisurely walking" and my calories tracker said I burned 700 calories!!! Lol there went breakfast!

Today I have plans to clean the house, my room and do laundry...I'm hoping to pop over to the gym or pool later on (maybe after my pedicure). If not I still have all three of my freebies!

28 Day Challenge - Day 5 Check In

So this is a mid-point check-in. I ended up going and having lunch with people today (instead of spending my lunch walking and then eating afterwards at my desk). I did eat a light lunch of beef pho (well 1/2 the bowl...the portions were huge) and haven't snacked really at all today (which often is another weakness). 

Since I didn't have my lunch break to walk I've been trying to do little bursts throughout the day. This morning I walked (practically in a jog) the three blocks from the train to the bus (mostly because I wanted to catch the earlier one and not be late to work). And I just got back from walking around the building (with extra attention to running up/down the stairs). Basically the building is shaped like this:


(stairs -->)    [[[[[[[ _________________________]]]]]]]] (<-stairs)
                             |                                                |
                             |                                                |
                             |                                                |
                   =        |                                                |
 (stairs->)     [[[[[[[[|                                                |]]]]]] (<-stairs)                 
                   =        |                                                |
                             |                                                |
                             |                                                |
                             |________________________|

I ran up or down (doing a loop on the side) stairs as I passed by (to help quicken my heart rate).

I still have an hour and a half left at work and I hope to do the same loop at least once or twice more (*fingers crossed*).
                            

28 Day Challenge - Day 4 Check In

Today the skies are crystal clear blue, hardly even a white fluffy cloud to be seen, and the temperatures are an amazing 71 degrees! So nice I wore a dress! :) What better way to celebrate an amazingly gorgeous day then going out for a walk in it!? 

So off I went, down 1 flight of stairs, 2x around the building and back up the stairs. I didn't nearly walk as long as I wanted but with the improper shoes on I was getting shin splints. So I stopped after the 2nd loop and did some stretching (the best I could with a dress on). 

To help increase the amount I'm exercising today - I plan on catching the bus into downtown that makes me walk 3 blocks instead of the bus that drops me off right in front of the train station.  

On top of increasing my exercise I started to wonder what my calorie intake was. I've always considered myself a fairly healthy eater. We rarely have "junk food" or sweets in the house (just don't count the over whelming number of cupcakes made these past few weeks for my sister's bridal shower. Most of those are given away anyways)....my weakness is carbs. Pasta, breads, rice...etc. I try to counter them with salads and vegetables but I don't think I'll ever be able to give up carbohydrates completely. 

 

Anyway. I'm not necessarily looking to "cut back" on my calories...but I did want to take them into consideration. So last night I downloaded a Calorie Counter app and so far I don't think I'm doing that badly. For breakfast I had 2 pieces of sourdough toast, for lunch smoked salmon and as a snack celery sticks and hummus. 

Here's to day four.

4 down 24 to go baby!

28 Day Challenge - Day 3 Check In

So I've had a jam-packed busy day today. One meeting after another after another. However, I knew that today was going to be busy and it would be hard to find time to do a walk at lunch (in all honesty it's 3:48 and I haven't taken a lunch break yet - I ate my salad in between meetings but no real break). 

So, since I knew I had a busy day planned, and the weather has been so agreeable lately, I took the bus this morning instead of the train. 

May not seem like a big deal. EXCEPT....

When I take the train to work I only walk from the house to the car, the car to the train, the train to a bus and a bus to work. In total I walk (maybe) 3 blocks. And if you've ever been to Portland you know we have teeny-tiny blocks.

However, when I walk to the bus (that takes me directly to the office and requires me being out of the house a 1/2 hour earlier than the train) I walk a 1/2 mile! (and then another 2-3 blocks to get to the office). 

I count today as a success. A half mile in the morning, taking the long way to get places today in the office, and I plan to take the long way (walking) when getting home this evening.

(We'll see how I'm feeling when I get home. We might have a 2-part day).

28 Day Challenge - Day 2 Check In

I would prefer to check in with my 28 day challenge after each accomplishment (however with yesterday being such a busy day I did yesterday's check in earlier today).

Here's my Day 2 check in though - right on time. 

Academic Building

Question for you. Have you ever worked out and just had a (random) release of emotions during it? My Day 2 exercise was power walking at lunch. I did 3 laps around the building plus up/down four flights of stairs. Within my first lap I was nearly overwhelmed by the amount of frustration and anger that burst forth from me. Not at anyone or anything particular just in general. 

By the end I had completely walked it out of my system. 

It was GREAT!

28 Day Challenge - Day 1 Check In

Sister-in-law Gayle, Me, Sister Kat (photo taken by Emily)

So yesterday not only started the first day of May (where has this year gone?) but also the first day of my 28 day Challenge (to be healthier and exercise daily). Yesterday was also my sister's bridal shower (that I've been planning for almost 2 months). It turned out amazing and while I didn't go running or swim laps in the pool I think all the carrying boxes and totes from the house to the clubhouse, the lifting of bottle water crates and bags of serving platters, the cleaning, the decorating, the running around and playing hostess....this should (and in my book does) count towards my "Daily Exercise". I was so tired after 8 hours (the party itself was only 2) I could barely move, or even get up off the couch, it felt as if I'd been working out for those 8 hours. 

Here's to Day 1 of my 28 Day Challenge!

My 28 Day Challenge.

I read a friend's blog today about a 28 day challenge in May and I think it's such a great idea. It's so much harder to get into a good habit than (continue or re) start a "bad" habit. 

 

I've been trying to increase how much I exercise.
Nothing extreme.

I'm just trying to start a good habit. 

I'm not preparing for a marathon (please, with these boobs? Even if I was fit enough to run a marathon I'd need to duct tape the girls down). 

I'm not looking to loose X amount of pounds (although looking at pictures I have noticed an increase in weight - especially in the face. Yes I'd like to loose this weight but I'm not buying a scale. I'm not taking measurements or stressing about my BMI....see my opinion on BMI here). 

I am (usually) happy with my body. I can stand in front of a mirror naked and not criticize my thighs or my love handles. It's taken work but I'm comfortable in my skin. Doesn't mean I can't try to be a healthier (and happier) me.  

I'm going to try exercise every day for 28 days (since May has 31 days that allows for 3 days of "freebies"). Whether that's walking laps in my office building (hooray for an old building with three stories and four different stairwells allowing for loops), water aerobics in the pool, (doing my best) riding the (semi-broken) stationary bicycle in the clubhouse or speed walking around the condo complex. 

I'll try and be good about posting updates here (I think accountability is a good motivator), so feel free to send your inspirational and positive support this way. 

Here's to a new good habit. 

The Rebellious Body

The Body Rebellious; Nonconformance and Intersecting Identities in a Movement
by Marianne Kirby

Excerpts (find complete blog by clicking on title above):

"The rebellious body is a nonconforming body, a body that does not play by the rules as established in our dominant mainstream culture. Because the narrow path to acceptability is actually an impossible path, there is no model (and I don’t know if this is true in all other cultures) of how to have a healthful relationship with one’s own body, especially if you are a woman. This is true regardless of size. It receives extra emphasis if you are living and experiencing intersections of oppression – if you are disabled, if you are queer, if you are trans, if you are a person of color, and so on. It receives extra emphasis if you are fat."

"Fat acceptance is for everyone."

"To have unique experiences is how we share knowledge and power with each other. To have unique experiences is how the boundaries of our greater world are determined. It is because our experiences are different that I talk to people – if everyone had my same experience, we wouldn’t have much to learn from each other, would we?"

Article: Fat Bias Worse for Women

I am in no way supportive of the B.M.I. and believe that the world needs to work on their use of the term "obese". With my height and weight I'm considered "morbidly obese"...what a disgusting term. Still terminology aside I think this is an interesting (introduction) article about women experiencing more weight-discrimination then men. 

*     *     *

Fat Bias Worse for Women

By Tara Parker-Pope

It only takes a modest weight gain for a woman to experience weight discrimination, but men can gain far more weight before experiencing similar bias, a new study shows.

The notion that society is less tolerant of weight gain in women than men is just one of the findings suggested by a new report from the Rudd Center for Food Policy & Obesity at Yale University, published this month in the International Journal of Obesity.

For the study, researchers documented the prevalence of self-reported weight discrimination and compared it to experiences of discrimination based on race and gender among a nationally representative sample of adults ages 25 to 74. The data was obtained from the National Survey of Midlife Development in the United States.

Overall, the study showed that weight discrimination, particularly against women, is as common as racial discrimination. But the researchers also identified the amount of weight gain that triggers a discriminatory backlash. They found that women appear to be at risk for discrimination at far lower weights, relative to their body size, than men.

Based on body mass index, which is a measure of body fat based on height and weight, a normal weight is in the range of 18.5 to 24.9. The study found that women begin to experience noticeable weight bias — such as problems at work or difficulty in personal relationships — when they reach a body mass index, or B.M.I., of 27. For a 5-foot-5-inch woman, that means discrimination starts once she reaches a weight of 162 pounds — or about 13 pounds more than her highest healthy weight, based on B.M.I. charts.

But the researchers found that men can bulk up far more without experiencing discrimination. Weight bias against men becomes noticeable when a man reaches a B.M.I. of 35 or higher. A 5-foot-9-inch man has a B.M.I. of 35 if he weighs 237 pounds — or 68 pounds above his highest healthy weight.

The study also revealed that women are twice as likely as men to report weight discrimination and that weight-related workplace bias and interpersonal mistreatment due to obesity are common. The researchers found that weight discrimination is more prevalent than discrimination based on sexual orientation, nationality or ethnicity, physical disability and religious beliefs.

“However, despite its high prevalence, it continues to remain socially acceptable,” said co-author Tatiana Andreyava, in a press release.