Thursday, June 2, 2011

What's Best for Me.

This is sort of how I've been feeling the past few days. 

Down with the world falling on my head but knowing that things...
Life...could be worse. 

In March my boyfriend and I had our first huge fight. It resulted in a 24-hour "break up" but by the end of the next day we were back together - realizing words were said in the heat of the moment and not truly meant. We patched things up and tried to make things better. 

Without going into it things too much, this past weekend I told him I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep coming in last behind his job and the rest of his life....I felt like an afterthought. 

He still is the love of my life and it's hard to imagine him not being there ten...twenty...thirty years down the line. And (without being disillusioned or getting my hopes up) he might be. I don't know. For now though it just isn't meant to be. 

I haven't really told people (expect one friend) mostly because we "broke-up" not that long ago and the last thing I need right now is a "I told you so"..."See?" or the even worse "You deserve better". What I need is for understanding that this is a hard time right now. 

I haven't cried. 
Not really. 

I suppose part of me is still in shock.
Waiting to wake up and have in next to me and this all be a bad dream. 

I love him. 

What can I say? 

It hurts but I need to survive. 
I need to do what's best for me.


  1. That sounds awfully hard. I have no idea what to say, seeing as I've not been in your position (not dating = no break ups). I do know about grief, and it's okay to be sad. Cry, yell, talk, be alone, whatever it takes.

  2. Understand where you're coming from, but sorry you feel this way ♥

  3. I always look forward to your blogs, but this was unexpected!

  4. Read your blog and wish I had words of wisdom for you. Having screamed into my pillow on many occasions (after the kids were asleep, of course), I totally understand.

    Thought today's message from "The Universe" was a little the heck do you spell that?
    How adventurous would life be, if you were "challenge free"? If you had the perfect body, perfect self-esteem, everyone adored you, and you won the lottery every Sunday?


    Now what if, painful as they may temporarily be, you could choose a life during which challenges might arise whenever your thinking needed expansion, on the sole condition that every one of them could be overcome no matter how daunting they may at first seem?

    Everything makes you more,
    The Universe