Saturday, February 19, 2011

Our Love Story

A friend suggested I write a "How We Met" for a special Valentine's Day blog. However, two years ago we weren't together on Valentine's Day. In fact I didn't even know that my sweetie existed two years ago. For me our special day is the day we "met" online - February 23rd.

It had been a long time since I had opened my heart up to someone. I had been hurt one too many times and had started to think that love just wasn't in the cards for me this lifetime. But with some time, healing and a wonderful best friend to keep pushing and pushing me to try online dating I finally gave in.

At first I tried eHarmony (the website where my bff had found her husband). The yahoos I found there just made me laugh. Men who were more interested in growing their own "herbs" than they were growing a friendship. Men who were living in their mother's basements and only interested in "hooking up" if I could host. Really folks? Aren't they paying money for this site? Remind me again what the hoop-la with this site is?

So I gave up on them and thought I'd see if I could find something better.

I did a websearch for a Plus-Size friendly dating site and pleasantly surprised with the one I found. BBWFriendlyDating (or something like that) dot com. I browsed through profiles (men and women's) before signing up for an account myself. I wanted a place that was friendly not fetish driven. I was looking for someone to go to dinner with not use dinner as foreplay. The people I found were various sizes and shapes but one thing was in common - accepting of their size and preferred a more curvaceous build of others.

So I signed up.

For a few weeks I talked with various men. Some who were looking for nothing more than someone to fulfill their guy who emailed me wanted to know if I'd send him pictures of me in stockings and heels. Lol. Not everyone I emailed with were on the looser side of the scale. Some I just didn't have chemistry with or connected more with someone else.

Then the morning of February 23rd (coincidentally enough the bday of my "pushy" bff) I was browsing profiles when I came across one I had went back to a few times. There wasn't too much written. Just a few likes and hobbies. His pictures didn't match his self-description in the profile. There wasn't too much to it. Normally I'd just pass it over. No information. No chance.

But something stopped me.
I went back to it.
There was something in his eyes that made me melt.
Something in my gut said "Make the connection"

So I sent a "wink" his way.
Later that evening I got a "wink" back.
I sent an email.
I got an email back.

From there we started emailing and instant messaging all day everyday. Childhood best friends, favorite colors, politics, religion, travel, food....we talked about it all.

A week later I went back to his profile (for something...I really don't remember what) only to find it gone.
I IMed him later asking where it had gone? Why had he taken it down?

His response I'll never forget "Because I met this amazing girl named Morgan and I didn't need it anymore"

I melted and the rest is, as they say, history. We've been together two years this Wednesday.

And though there have been some rocky times and the physical distance between us just seems to increase it doesn't matter.

Because I found the love of my life (online).

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Must-Haves and Can't-Stands

While reading the New York Times this morning I came across this article in the Health section. It promoted itself as a discussion about "Relationship Deal Breakers" but really focused on eHarmony's "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands"

One of my best friends found her (now) husband on eHarmony. 

She was so happy with her "results" (?) that she pestered/encouraged me to sign up; as well as her older sister. I don't know what or why her sister stopped but I just couldn't believe the types of men the site was sending me. Either they had no job and were looking for a sugar momma or they were only online looking for a NSA sexual relationship. 

No thank you.

Obviously, I don't have any objections to online dating - considering I found my sweetheart on a different (non-eHarmony) site. And I too have my "Must-Haves" and "Can't Stands" I'm sure we all do (on some level).

So what do I think of the eHarmony list? Well from the lists given (in the article) I think most make sense. I don't know if they'd have been my Top 10 though.

After reading this article I wanted to know what were the options that eHarmony gave to their members. What other options were given - that these were then the top choices. A quick Google search later and here's the answer:

Can't Stands:
Vanity, Dependence, Depressed, Lying, Cheating, Cynicism, Anger, Self-Centered, Rude, Unhappy at Work, Materialistic, Denial, Workaholic, Lazy, Worrier, Intolerance (of other religions), Victim Mentality, Grudges, Mean Spirited, Childishness, Fiscally Irresponsible, Petty, Hypochondriac, Boorishness, Excessive Overweight, Gambling, Drugs, Intruding Family/Friends, Flirtatious, Racist, Poor Hygiene, Hypocrites, Gossip, Judgmental, Views/Owns Pornography, Addictions, Sloppy, Undependable, Cheap, Foul Mouthed, Arrogant, Extremely Shy, Pessimism, Overly PC (Political Correctness), Recklessness, Sexually Obsessed, Uninterested in sex, Infidelity

Must Haves:
Chemistry, Communicator, Sense of Humor, Verbal Intimacy, Emotionally Healthy, Strong Character, Artistry, Kindness, Education, Organized, Adventurous/Exciting, Patience, Tolerant of other viewpoints, Conflict Resolver, Attractiveness, Personal Habits, Affectionate, Industriousness, Energy Level, Emotionally Generous, Intellect, Self-Confident, Unassuming, Able to Accept Help, Curiosity, Loyal, Adaptability, Autonomy, Committed to marriage/family, Shared Interests, Style and Appearance, Shared Politics, Spirit of Volunteerism, No Children, Desire to have a Family, Accepts Stepchildren, Parenting Style, Parent Care, Staying In, Sociability, Spirituality, Religious Practice, Spiritual Acceptance, Responsible, Ambition, Relaxed, Abstinent, Traditional/reserved Sexual needs, Sexually Knowledgeable, Passionate

I've marked my "top" in blue....and let me tell you, it was hard. I wasn't able to mark a top 10. Not without marking "Would-Likes" (i.e. Affectionate, Emotionally Generous, Desire to have a family, Non intrusive family, etc).

I've found over the years my "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands" have changed and morphed from relationship to relationship. In the past I'd probably have marked "Communicator"...well now my thoughts on "communication" has changed, I've even reached the thought sometimes that I over communicate and with my boyfriend  & I currently having a 16-hours time difference our level of communication has changed compared to when we were in the same state. 

Nowadays my priorities, "Must Haves", "Can't Stands"...whatever you want to call them....aren't so concrete. I don't want someone who fits nice and neatly into this perfect little box I've created. If I know every quirk, every nuance about the person what excitement is there in learning about each other? Sure being a racist and a lying, cheating SOB isn't something I'm wanting to discover about someone but you also can't necessarily use that as your opening liner.

"Excuse me, you have such a great smile. Are you a liar, a cheater, a racist, a slob who still lives in his parent's basement? No? Wonderful, can I buy you a drink?"

I don't think that would go over so well....

I think knowing what you'll "put up" with and what you aren't willing to compromise over is important. But also being willing to adapt and grow as a couple is equally as important. 

Don't get caught up on "Must-Haves" and "Can't Stands" open to new people and new experiences...after all you never know when or where LOVE might strike.