Born this Way

Miss Representation (trailer)

Mermaid or Whale?

French model Tara Lynn

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. 

They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.




Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

Wondering

"Have you ever wondered ...

How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why hasn’t he texted? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Why doesn’t he make a move? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on in this relationship? Is it him or is it me?

Ah, men. Mystifying men.

And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, exciting fun-filled dates, a single perfect rose, delicious kisses and more?" (excerpt from Aha! Understanding the mind games men play by Psychologist Diana Kirschner unveils mysteries of ‘deadly dating patterns’)

So let me say that I have not read (nor do I intend to read) this woman's book "Love in 90 days". However, being that I'm going through a particularly frustrating (see also sad, depressed, angry, and confused) time I have been trolling for advice, words-of-wisdom and/or common experiences online. 

I have spent years falling too hard, too fast, for men who are all words. Finally met a man I feel madly in love with, and then spent two years waiting for him to step up and act on his words. 

When I finally said enough was enough did I go and find myself someone the exact opposite of what I had found in the past? 

No, of course not. I found myself Mr. CT. A man who made me weak in the knees, gave me butterflies in my stomach, sweet talked me into believing we had a special connection and then *poof* GONE. No words of "it's not working out" or "I just don't feel a spark". Just gone.

I'm tired of being told I'm the girl you bring home to mom but then never is. I'm tired of being told you think I'm beautiful but then left to feel like a leper. I'm tired of watching family and friends pairing up and procreating only to then look at me with sad eyes and be told "don't worry, it'll happen for you".  Tired of games and being told men are just "scared of commitment". Tired of men who are just talk, or just looking to get me into bed, or just looking to stroke their own ego. Tired of feeling I've done something wrong to push them away. Tired of feeling like I'm intentionally picking emotionally obtuse men. Tired of feeling like I'm not tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough. Tired of allowing these thoughts in my head. I'm tired of all the bull shit.

*Deep Breath* 

Okay....obviously needed to get that out... Truth is I am just tired of it all.

I came across this photo (-->) on Pinterest and I knew it rang true. I don't think I'm trying to force "love" with anyone but I definitely am a romantic in my core and can't help falling sometimes for a sweet smile and sweet words. I just wish that I'd stop falling for men who can just easily toss me aside like last nights leftovers.

Love of My Life - Runner Up

I came across a blog the other day - thanks to one of my readers - and it's definitely lit something inside of me. 

The topic is having a "Backup-Husband"

Now let me clarify. This is not in the if my marriage fails I have someone to fall back on and jump right into another relationship. This is more in the sense that "I become an old spinster and to make sure I don't die alone" backup spouse.

Maybe because I'm 1 1/2 hears from being thirty and recently finding myself single (again). 

Maybe because more and more of my friends are getting married and having babies (in many cases baby #2 and #3). 

But the idea of never meeting "the one" (or worse having let "the one" get away) and needing/wanting a "back up" scares me.

Not so much I lose sleep at night. Or am going to be calling my ex-boyfriends and single guy friends asking them to be my backup husband. (Although, yes, I have thought about and know who I'd ask if I ever find myself in need of back up sperm...but that's a different blog).

Something about having a back up husband just makes me feel worse (about myself) than thinking I'll never meet "Mr Right". I want to spend my life with my best friend but I don't want that best friend to be coerced into being with me.

I don't think I would ever want to be someones back up any more than ask someone to be mine. I'd feel second hand. Like your permanent doormat. If we don't want to be together now why would we want to be together in ten or twenty years?

However, my best friend (of about 20 years) and I have had a plan for years that when we're old and tired of our husbands we'll "suddenly become widowed" (*wink wink*) and then move in together to raise pug dogs. 

Now that's my idea of a "backup spouse"!!

But I'd like to know what other people think of this idea. Am I alone in feeling that I'd be settling for 2nd best (or that I'd be someones 2nd best).

What's Best for Me.

 

This is sort of how I've been feeling the past few days. 

Down with the world falling on my head but knowing that things...
Life...could be worse. 

In March my boyfriend and I had our first huge fight. It resulted in a 24-hour "break up" but by the end of the next day we were back together - realizing words were said in the heat of the moment and not truly meant. We patched things up and tried to make things better. 

Without going into it things too much, this past weekend I told him I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep coming in last behind his job and the rest of his life....I felt like an afterthought. 

He still is the love of my life and it's hard to imagine him not being there ten...twenty...thirty years down the line. And (without being disillusioned or getting my hopes up) he might be. I don't know. For now though it just isn't meant to be. 

I haven't really told people (expect one friend) mostly because we "broke-up" not that long ago and the last thing I need right now is a "I told you so"..."See?" or the even worse "You deserve better". What I need is for understanding that this is a hard time right now. 

I haven't cried. 

Not really. 

I suppose part of me is still in shock.
Waiting to wake up and have in next to me and this all be a bad dream. 

I love him. 

What can I say? 

It hurts but I need to survive. 

I need to do what's best for me.

Falling.

You give me that look that's like laughing

with liquid in your mouth

like you're choosing between choking

and spitting it all out

like you're trying to fight gravity

on a planet that insists

that love is like falling

and falling is like this

 Feels like reckless driving when we're talking

It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking

But no one's going to sympathize when we crash

They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"

and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try

one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe

I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way

we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists

that love is like falling

and falling is like this.

Dancing in the Rain

You Won't Let Me Go

"I want you, I need you
I'm all packed up to go
But darlin', if you love me
You won't let me go

If a love's a true love
It never runs smooth you know
So if your love is a true love
You won't let me go

If you don't say you love me
I'm gonna walk right
Out the door
And I'll hope that you'll stop me
So I can hear you
Call me darlin' once more


I tell you I love you, yes I love you
With all my heart and soul
So darlin' if you love me
You won't let me go

Hey, I love you know, I say, I love you
Oh, with all my heart and soul
So darlin' well if you love me
I know you won't let me go
Girl, I know you won't let me go

Oh yes"

("You Won't Let Me Go", Ray Charles, Pure Genius)

I'm a "Slut"

I have breasts. 

I have hips.

I have thighs and a stomach. 

I have curves I [try to] embrace. 

I like to show off my curves with skirts and tank tops. 

I like to bundle up in baggy yoga pants and sweat shirts. 

He was my boyfriend. 

It was not violent. 

It was over quicker than it started. 

I still don't identify as a rape "victim"

I'm tired of labels. 

I'm tired of hearing the term "asking for it"

I didn't ask for it and I've only been with 2 men. 

Yet, according to some [police officer below] I'm a slut and I was asking for it.

*     *     *

‘Sluts’ march against sexual assault stereotypes
by Nicki Thomas

In fishnets and stilettos, t-shirts and jeans, a three-piece suit and a birthday suit, hundreds of self-proclaimed “sluts” marched through downtown Toronto Sunday afternoon, protesting a police officer’s suggestion that women could avoid sexual assault by not dressing provocatively.

Polly Esther walked off the subway in a plunging neckline and knee-high platform boots to join the noisy, spirited march from Queen’s Park to police headquarters on College St. She raised a hand-lettered sign, its simple but stark message definitive of that of the protest: “Xmas 1985. 14 years old. Bundled in layers. How did I deserve it?”

“It has nothing to do with what you’re wearing,” said Esther, 39. “And I’m living proof of that.”

SlutWalk, as organizers coined the march, was a response to comments made by a Toronto police officer during a safety forum at York University’s Osgoode Hall Law School in late January. Const. Michael Sanguinetti is said to have told the room that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

Sanguinetti has since apologized to the university and been investigated by the professional standards unit. He was disciplined internally, the details of which have not been made public, and is still on the job in 31 Division, though not working Sunday.

Police were quick to publicly condemn Sanguinetti’s comment, saying it is counter to what officers are taught about sexual assault. In a statement sent to the SlutWalk organizers and the media last Friday, Chief Bill Blair said the remarks “place the blame upon victims, and that’s not where the blame should ever be placed.”

“If that type of, frankly, archaic thinking still exists among any of my officers, it highlights for me the need to continue to train my officers and sensitize them to the reality of victimization,” he said.

But SlutWalk organizers made it clear Sunday that they are not satisfied with the response. 

Co-founder Heather Jarvis said the group made three requests from police: to restructure training and education, implement existing third-party recommendations on that training and education and improve public outreach programs, with an emphasis on consent and “rape myths.”

“They didn’t actually respond to a single one of our requests,” Jarvis said.

The group also invited police to address Sunday’s crowd alongside speakers like Jane Doe, the activist who successfully sued the police after she was assaulted by a serial rapist and is still highly critical of procedures around sexual assault training and investigation.

“It’s not about one bad apple cop,” Doe told the cheering crowd. “It’s about an institution that is permeated with these kinds of notions and beliefs.”

Spokeswoman Const. Wendy Drummond said police did provide SlutWalk organizers with an outline of changes made to training and investigations in the wake of a 2010 review, the second since the Auditor General’s 1999 report on police procedures around sexual assault.

“We have reached out to them,” Drummond said. “But wanting to put us up there and not be heard, is just not something that we’re going to do.”

Future SlutWalks are planned in other cities, including Vancouver, Ottawa and Boston.

http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/968466

The Rebellious Body

The Body Rebellious; Nonconformance and Intersecting Identities in a Movement
by Marianne Kirby

Excerpts (find complete blog by clicking on title above):

"The rebellious body is a nonconforming body, a body that does not play by the rules as established in our dominant mainstream culture. Because the narrow path to acceptability is actually an impossible path, there is no model (and I don’t know if this is true in all other cultures) of how to have a healthful relationship with one’s own body, especially if you are a woman. This is true regardless of size. It receives extra emphasis if you are living and experiencing intersections of oppression – if you are disabled, if you are queer, if you are trans, if you are a person of color, and so on. It receives extra emphasis if you are fat."

"Fat acceptance is for everyone."

"To have unique experiences is how we share knowledge and power with each other. To have unique experiences is how the boundaries of our greater world are determined. It is because our experiences are different that I talk to people – if everyone had my same experience, we wouldn’t have much to learn from each other, would we?"

Cohabitation?

I stumbled across a USA Today article (below) about cohabitation and I was a little perplexed... although I suppose that's what I get for reading an article in USA Today (News-Lite). Read the article first and I'll have my thoughts at the bottom. 

*     *     *

Report: Cohabiting has little effect on marriage success
By Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY 10/14/2010

Couples who live together before marriage and those who don't both have about the same chances of a successful union, according to a federal report out Tuesday that turns earlier cohabitation research on its head.

The report, by the National Center for Health Statistics, is based on the National Survey of Family Growth, a sample of almost 13,000. It provides the most detailed data on cohabitation of men and women to date.

Past research — using decades-old data — found significantly higher divorce rates for cohabitors, defined as "not married but living together with a partner of the opposite sex." But now, in an era when about two-thirds of couples who marry live together first, a different picture is emerging in which there are few differences between those who cohabit and those who don't.

Of those married 10 or more years, 60% of women and 62% of men had ever cohabited; 61% of women and 63% of men had cohabited only with the one they married. Meanwhile, 66% of women and 69% of men married 10 years had never cohabited.

Differences "are there, but they are not huge," says statistician Bill Mosher, the report's co-author.

Sociologist Pamela Smock of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor considers the data definitive. "On the basis of these numbers, there is not a negative effect of cohabitation on marriages, plain and simple," she says.

Paul Amato, a sociologist at Pennsylvania State University, says the new data suggest that "maybe the effect of premarital cohabitation is becoming less of a problem than it was in the past. If it becomes normative now, maybe it's not such a big deal."

The report takes a closer look at those who live together before marriage, including race and ethnicity, education level, upbringing and whether couples were engaged when they moved in.

"There's a real difference in the types of cohabitations out there," Mosher says. "We can show that now with these national data."

The data show that those who live together after making plans to marry or getting engaged have about the same chances of divorcing as couples who never cohabited before marriage. But those who move in together before making any clear decision to marry appear to have an increased risk of divorce.

Men who were engaged when they moved in with their future spouse had about the same odds that their marriage would last at least 10 years as those who didn't live together before the wedding: 71% for engaged men and 69% for non-cohabiting men. Among engaged women, the probability the marriage would survive for 10 years was similar (65%) to the probability for women who didn't cohabit (66%).

That's a finding Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, sees in smaller samples. For Stanley, the "nature of commitment at the time of cohabitation is what's important."

"There is a lot of interesting work being done on differences among different groups of cohabitors as to why, when and how they cohabit," he says.

But others who are firmly against cohabitation, such as Mike McManus, co-founder of Marriage Savers, a "ministry" that aims to reduce the divorce rate, calls the findings worrisome

"I think it's going to lull some people into thinking there's no problem with living together," says McManus, co-author of Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers. "It appears to say you can cohabit and it doesn't matter, but it doesn't look at all the couples who begin cohabiting and how many of them are able to make a marriage last. It doesn't say how many marriages broke up" before 10 years.

Although the new federal data were from a 2002 survey, it's the most recent nationally representative sample of 12,571 people ages 15 to 44, including 7,643 women and 4,928 men.

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University, says the report may quell fears of cohabitation "as a long-term substitute for marriage," as in some European countries.

"American cohabitors either marry or break up in a few years," he says.

*     *     *

What an odd way to end the article. A quote by a sociologist who is only mentioned the last two sentences of the article. And what a defeatist statement!?

Sure the one time I "cohabitated" we broke up somewhere between 1 1/2 and 2 years of being together. That was also far from a traditional living-together situation (I was 16/17 living at home with my family and he was a freshman in college who lived with us on the weekends and holidays).

But then there's my cousin and her husband. They were high school sweethearts and dated/lived together for over 20 years before they finally got married. 

Obviously every relationship is different...

There are exceptions to every rule...

Etc...

Etc...

Etc...

Personally I've always liked the idea of cohabitation before marriage. You can learn so many new quirks about your partner that you wouldn't by just dating. You learn he never puts his socks in the hamper but leaves them balled up in his sneakers. He learns you never rinse the toothpaste out of the bathroom sink. When you're dating these are the little things we don't realize (or try to hide from our partners). 

What do you think?

Have you lived with a partner?

Did you live together before you got married
or did you wait?

50 Life Lessons

Written By: Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here’s an update:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.