Hardest Journey

“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping” - Chinese Proverb

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2nd Chance?

So today Mr. Hong Kong messaged me.....just talking about what we have or haven't done in the last four months, what we do or don't want to see happen, what it even means that we're talking now.....

Normally (or at least pre-Mr.HK) my philosphy on exes has always been "an ex is an ex for a reason"... no questions. no 2nd chances. no matter the circumstances.

But now I'm not so sure. 

So I posted a question on my FB and I want to ask it here too:

"Have you ever gone against your better judgement or personal philosophy when it comes to exes?"

So far the responses (from friends/family online) have been:

"No. Bad Morgan."

"Who hasn't? And it always comes back to bite you in the ass"

"Which EX are you talking about?"

So what about you?
Do you think 2nd chances can happen?
Have you ever given an ex a 2nd chance?
What happened?

Sex Ed (for Adults)

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Dating the last 4 months

I came to the realization that Mr. Hong Kong and I have only been broken-up for four months.... and unfortunately I sent him an email today....just saying a happy belated birthday and hoping he was well. I'm so stupid.

I then immediately messaged my bff in Seattle telling her what I'd done. Here's how some of that conversation went:

BFF: I told you that this wasn't going to be easy....and that it was going to be hard.

Me: I know. You're right, as always. It's not like I expected to break up with "Mr. Hong Kong", turn the corner and find prince charming. But at least someone who is local, not a workaholic, not creepy/sleezy and wants to get to know more than my bra size

BFF: I know... but it doesn't make it easy that the other guys weren't even half decent

Me: Seriously. my "1st date"...well we've talked about him plenty. Then there was the teacher and the Canadian who both just disappeared. Mr. CT who looked like things were going well before *poof* The guy in SoCal who is only interested in sex. The Chicago guy who wanted me to fart on him. And now the "local" lawyer who doesn't know when he'll be leaving Tokyo.

BFF: I am trying not to laugh, because of how you put it but you should write a book! hahahah

Me: AND THAT'S ONLY IN THE LAST FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!

BFF: I know! hahaha

.....(later on in the conversation).....

Me: Oh. and I forgot about the Australian who, even though we both were emailing just as friends (because of the distance) - just stopped emailing. And then there is the guy from the UK who couldn't stop complimenting me (but in that way of weirdness) "Me: What's the weather like. Him: Rainy but it'd be sunny if you were here beautiful." WTF? Where do I find these guys?! And don't get me started on the ones who hit on me in person around town.

...(even later on)...

BFF: Ever thought of taking the sex people up on their offer? ...Maybe you need something without any ties... just have some fun.

Me: Yea but guys in Portland are (for the most part) gross and i honestly have no idea how or where to even beginning thinking let alone doing something like that. I can't get a guy to buy me a cup of coffee let alone take me home for the night.

Oy vey. I just get so frustrated with the whole dating process. I wish I could just shut the part of my brain off that desires a relationship. I wish I knew how to just pick up men in a bar and slip out the next morning before . I wish I knew how to shut down emotionally and not need or want a partner/companion. I wish this how thing was just easier.

Vacation Accomplished

This weekend (despite having the category of "work") was wonderful. I definitely don't get away as often as I need or should...so this was a much needed vacation.

I love driving to the coast and seeing all the cute farm houses

Everything is just sooooo GREEN!

Stopped and had lunch at Camp 18 Restaurant and Logging Memorial

Decided I was going to take the example of the Camp Cat -
and use this weekend to relax.

So I made sure to have a good time with my student government folks (they're a wonderful group), went to the beach, Seaside Aquarium, and ate yummy food.

I just loooooove the grassy sand dunes on the way to the water.

Seaside Aquarium - privately owned since 1937

Yes, That would be me...and a huge octopus at the bottom

Fed the seals - he'd splash if you took too long

Fried garlic artichoke hearts from McKeowns

Stopped by Jim Dandy's Farm Market on the way home too -
got many yummy veggies

So glad to have a mini-get-away.....now back to work.

MUCH needed Vacation

It's not even 3:30PM on Thursday and I'm already in "Vacation-Mode" and so ready to get to Seaside.

Okay, so it's not a real vacation...I'm going to the coast this weekend for work. A meeting (basically) all day Saturday and then Sunday morning....

HOWEVER!!

Saturday evening I'm planning on dining at (what looks like) a great Southern/Creole restaurant called Lil' Bayou

and then Sunday afternoon going to the Seaside Aquarium.

And you better believe I'm getting as close to snuggling these faces as they'll let me:

So while there is work involved at least I'll be squeezing some beach time in there too.

Guest Blogger

Guess who was featured on Jess Barnes' blog Life...Live It!...........?

ME of course!!

Check it out here

She's also on twitter @Jess_Barnes

Catcalling

Okay putting aside any feminist agenda and degrading qualities of the entire idea can someone explain "catcalling" to me?

I don't mean WHAT so much as the WHY.

Why do people whistle, hoot or call out to passerby? 

What's the purpose? 

What do you think is going to happen?

I don't know about you but I don't think I know anyone whose love story begins with "Well there I was walking down 5th Ave when Joe whistled at me from the scaffolding on the building he was constructing".

Yesterday a man standing at the MAX station whispered "Hey Cutie" ...although creepy and not appealing at least this scenario could pan out more to an actual conversation than the man who honked his horn at me and did that stupid head nod thing. I mean even if I was interested how am I supposed to respond?

I just don't get it.

What's the point?

F*** you Disney

This evening a friend of mine posted this article with a note saying he was posting it for me.

(Let me say before we get started that I love Disney. I have a many many on DVD. I grew up watching them and still will go to the theatre to see the newest Disney cartoon. Doesn't mean the feminist and political side of me doesn't see everything that's wrong with them)

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The Disney Myth: Why So Many Women Are Misled About True Love
How "happily ever after" sets kids up for heartache as adults.
By Joe Amoia

There are over 100 million single adults over the age of 25 in our country, and for most of them, the thought of being single and dating is analogous to having a red hot poker jammed into their eye. Based on my research, most single women dislike dating and being single. When it comes to finding that special guy to share their life with, many of these women say that there is hope in their heart, but they honestly admit that they are not too optimistic that true love is in their future.

Why do these women feel this way? For many of them it is based on their experience with men and their past relationships. Imagine if you wanted to eat Italian food and every time you went out to eat Italian food you had a bad experience. It wouldn't be long before you started saying to yourself "Italian food sucks." It would be only natural, wouldn't it? And who could blame you? Here you are trying to find a great place to enjoy your favorite food but every time you thought you found "the one," it left you unsatisfied and disappointed.

Well, isn't that how it is for you with men and your relationships? You want a great guy but after each failed relationship it's harder to believe that true love actually exists, isn't it? Well, it's understandable, and I felt that way a long time ago too. In fact, I have a theory. I call it the "Disney Myth" and it says that the reason most women have a hard time with men and relationships is because they have a distorted view of what true love really is.

Let's think about this. As a little girl grows up, she hears story after story about how she needs to be saved by the prince on the white horse or knight in shining armor. These stories unknowingly paint a picture that in order for a woman to live happily ever, after she needs a man to rescue and save her. She learns that her ultimate life happiness depends on a male hero.

This storyline exists in most of the Disney movies, including Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and Sleeping Beauty. And in the '60s and early '70s, Disney movies played a role in most childhoods. But, as I got older and started dating, I realized that many single women who had grown up in that era had an unrealistic distortion of love and relationships.

I guess watching my mother love my dad during his four-year battle with cancer made me realize what true love and a relationship was really about. When my dad was going in and out of hospitals, having chemotherapy and wasting away in front of our eyes, I soon learned that true love was so much more than what we had ever been taught or shown. I learned that life was going to throw stuff at you and if both people weren't prepared for it, then the chances of living happily ever becomes a much more difficult aim to achieve.

What Disney left out of all of these movies is that there is something called life after you fall in love. True Love is a commitment between two people to be there for each other and to support each other in the face of life and all of its challenges because the truth is, no matter who you are, life is going to throw stuff at you. And if your prince charming doesn't have the skills and tools to meet your needs, it won't be long before happily ever after turns into miserably divorced.

I find it amazing that in the world we live in our educational systems teach us nothing about relationships. Including my doctorate, I went to school for 21 years and in that 21 years I did not have a single class on relationships and what is necessary to increase one's chances of living happily ever after. Instead, I had to figure it out on my own. I took my lumps, made a lot of bad choices and ultimately figured it out. I learned that the key to a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship is picking the right partner for the right reasons. It is about being clear about who you are and what you have to offer and picking a partner who compliments you, and who is on the same page in regards to your life goals and visions.

A relationship is a true partnership between two people. It doesn't make a difference how cute you look together or how much you think you love each other. What matters most is the two individuals love, respect and honor each other in a way that they work together to create the results that they both desire.

Many little girls grow up and dream of finding their prince. They grow up dreaming about being the princess and wearing the white dress. Years are spent focusing on the fantasy of the wedding day and what it will be like. For many, that day comes and once it is over they realize that true love and having a successful relationship is much more than they realized. Unfortunately Disney left that part out.

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After reading it I commented "I'm going to assume you meant this is for me because you knew I'd agree withthe article and not because you think I'm looking for the Disney Myth of love."

I won't deny that Disney has given the completely wrong message about ... well lots of things. Relationships, men coming to "rescue" the women, women who are helpless and life doesn't really begin until she's saved. However, I have to that I don't think my problems are that I've fallen for the Disney Myth. 

I come from a divorced family. My father left my mother for a woman 10 years his junior, he left not only my mother but also my 6 month old baby sister and my 8 year old self. 

My parent's are not the only ones in my family who are divorced. Of my six aunts and uncles only two are not (or were never) divorced - yet one was married to a philanderer and the other to an alcoholic abuser. Of the divorced/divorcees one aunt is on husband #5! I never had (what I would consider) "healthy relationship models" growing up. 

This is what say is the foundation of my inability to find a healthy and stable relationship for longer than 2 years. I've always built walls around myself to help stop others from getting in and hurting me. But then on the flip side, I also always hope/believe that "this time" and/or "this relationship" will be different and I won't fall into the patterns of the generation before me. 

So yes, Disney has filled my head (and others) with knights in shining armor, frogs that turn into princes, and being saved from less-than-ideal lives by being swept off my feet.... but I have thoughts of how to leave a relationship the first time a fist is swung or violent words thrown, how to stand up for yourself and keep your safety/sanity/self first. Disney may be f***ed up but in the end it's only the tip of my disfunctionality iceberg.

New Mantra

Wondering

"Have you ever wondered ...

How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why hasn’t he texted? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Why doesn’t he make a move? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on in this relationship? Is it him or is it me?

Ah, men. Mystifying men.

And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, exciting fun-filled dates, a single perfect rose, delicious kisses and more?" (excerpt from Aha! Understanding the mind games men play by Psychologist Diana Kirschner unveils mysteries of ‘deadly dating patterns’)

So let me say that I have not read (nor do I intend to read) this woman's book "Love in 90 days". However, being that I'm going through a particularly frustrating (see also sad, depressed, angry, and confused) time I have been trolling for advice, words-of-wisdom and/or common experiences online. 

I have spent years falling too hard, too fast, for men who are all words. Finally met a man I feel madly in love with, and then spent two years waiting for him to step up and act on his words. 

When I finally said enough was enough did I go and find myself someone the exact opposite of what I had found in the past? 

No, of course not. I found myself Mr. CT. A man who made me weak in the knees, gave me butterflies in my stomach, sweet talked me into believing we had a special connection and then *poof* GONE. No words of "it's not working out" or "I just don't feel a spark". Just gone.

I'm tired of being told I'm the girl you bring home to mom but then never is. I'm tired of being told you think I'm beautiful but then left to feel like a leper. I'm tired of watching family and friends pairing up and procreating only to then look at me with sad eyes and be told "don't worry, it'll happen for you".  Tired of games and being told men are just "scared of commitment". Tired of men who are just talk, or just looking to get me into bed, or just looking to stroke their own ego. Tired of feeling I've done something wrong to push them away. Tired of feeling like I'm intentionally picking emotionally obtuse men. Tired of feeling like I'm not tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough. Tired of allowing these thoughts in my head. I'm tired of all the bull shit.

*Deep Breath* 

Okay....obviously needed to get that out... Truth is I am just tired of it all.

I came across this photo (-->) on Pinterest and I knew it rang true. I don't think I'm trying to force "love" with anyone but I definitely am a romantic in my core and can't help falling sometimes for a sweet smile and sweet words. I just wish that I'd stop falling for men who can just easily toss me aside like last nights leftovers.

Ever hear a 'tick-tick-tick' so deafening you don't know if it's your biological clock or the self destruct alarm just prior to implosion?