(Not) Playing Games

Who thought that at 28 I’d still be playing “he loves me, he loves me not”?

Aren’t games for children and the playground? 

Why didn’t someone tell me that actually relationships get harder the older you get?

I figured you grow up, you find yourself, you discover your wants and needs, and then you find that partner who (for the most part) meets those needs and whose needs you meet. Sure there’s shopping around and the occasional heartbreak. but I thought the childish games of “You don’t spend enough time with me” and “I’m not talking to you” were left behind with pigtails and slumber parties.

Apparently not.

Apparently somewhere deep inside of me there’s a spoiled teenage brat who can’t deal with not being the center of her boyfriend’s universe. There’s a big mouthed broad who opened her trap and is trying to drive away who she thought was “the one”.

I’m sure there are people who read this and won’t agree. Who will want to know what “He” did “wrong”.

I just can’t do it.

I have to face facts and accept that maybe I was too demanding.

A little quick to judge and speak out.

It’s taken years to develop my voice, to recognize it’s okay for me to voice my needs. Now I just have to learn how to manage this voice. How not to alienate the ones I love. How not to open my mouth the wrong way at the wrong time and hurt other people – and myself.

I’m not writing this to look for sympathy.

I’m not writing this to have questions asked of “what happened” or “what went wrong”.

I’m not looking for someone to offer to go break his knees or smack some sense into him.

I’m writing this because I need to process.

I need to figure out “what happened” as well as what I’m going to do now. 

I don’t know if I’m single, complicated or in a relationship (to put it in facebook lingo).

But I seem to be inundated with break up songs, break ups on the tv shows I watch, hearing of friends going through break ups and healings. I don’t know if this is where I am or not – which makes this processing so much harder. What I do know is this has been a turbulent few weeks and I’m sure I have a number more in front of me. So please, bear with me.

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“Look, I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you all are. I wish that I were, but I’m not. Will, y our lover of seven years left you, and you have to live everyday knowing that he’s out there loving someone else. I couldn’t do that. I would die. And, Karen, your husband’s in prison, the rock of your life, and you don’t know when you’re gonna see him again. if I were you, I’d be a total wreck. And, Jack…You’re so resilient. You’re a 32-year-old actor-singer who gets involved in a million different relationships and never gets invested in any of them. 

I wish that I could do that, but I can’t. I’m not like any of you. I just handle things differently, so, please, just let me go back to bed and deal with things the only way that I know how. “ –Grace Adler, Will & Grace: Bed, Bath & Beyond (4.7)

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