Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Must-Haves and Can't-Stands

While reading the New York Times this morning I came across this article in the Health section. It promoted itself as a discussion about "Relationship Deal Breakers" but really focused on eHarmony's "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands"

One of my best friends found her (now) husband on eHarmony. 

She was so happy with her "results" (?) that she pestered/encouraged me to sign up; as well as her older sister. I don't know what or why her sister stopped but I just couldn't believe the types of men the site was sending me. Either they had no job and were looking for a sugar momma or they were only online looking for a NSA sexual relationship. 

No thank you.

Obviously, I don't have any objections to online dating - considering I found my sweetheart on a different (non-eHarmony) site. And I too have my "Must-Haves" and "Can't Stands"...as I'm sure we all do (on some level).

So what do I think of the eHarmony list? Well from the lists given (in the article) I think most make sense. I don't know if they'd have been my Top 10 though.

After reading this article I wanted to know what were the options that eHarmony gave to their members. What other options were given - that these were then the top choices. A quick Google search later and here's the answer:

Can't Stands:
Vanity, Dependence, Depressed, Lying, Cheating, Cynicism, Anger, Self-Centered, Rude, Unhappy at Work, Materialistic, Denial, Workaholic, Lazy, Worrier, Intolerance (of other religions), Victim Mentality, Grudges, Mean Spirited, Childishness, Fiscally Irresponsible, Petty, Hypochondriac, Boorishness, Excessive Overweight, Gambling, Drugs, Intruding Family/Friends, Flirtatious, Racist, Poor Hygiene, Hypocrites, Gossip, Judgmental, Views/Owns Pornography, Addictions, Sloppy, Undependable, Cheap, Foul Mouthed, Arrogant, Extremely Shy, Pessimism, Overly PC (Political Correctness), Recklessness, Sexually Obsessed, Uninterested in sex, Infidelity

Must Haves:
Chemistry, Communicator, Sense of Humor, Verbal Intimacy, Emotionally Healthy, Strong Character, Artistry, Kindness, Education, Organized, Adventurous/Exciting, Patience, Tolerant of other viewpoints, Conflict Resolver, Attractiveness, Personal Habits, Affectionate, Industriousness, Energy Level, Emotionally Generous, Intellect, Self-Confident, Unassuming, Able to Accept Help, Curiosity, Loyal, Adaptability, Autonomy, Committed to marriage/family, Shared Interests, Style and Appearance, Shared Politics, Spirit of Volunteerism, No Children, Desire to have a Family, Accepts Stepchildren, Parenting Style, Parent Care, Staying In, Sociability, Spirituality, Religious Practice, Spiritual Acceptance, Responsible, Ambition, Relaxed, Abstinent, Traditional/reserved Sexual needs, Sexually Knowledgeable, Passionate

I've marked my "top" in blue....and let me tell you, it was hard. I wasn't able to mark a top 10. Not without marking "Would-Likes" (i.e. Affectionate, Emotionally Generous, Desire to have a family, Non intrusive family, etc).

I've found over the years my "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands" have changed and morphed from relationship to relationship. In the past I'd probably have marked "Communicator"...well now my thoughts on "communication" has changed, I've even reached the thought sometimes that I over communicate and with my boyfriend  & I currently having a 16-hours time difference our level of communication has changed compared to when we were in the same state. 

Nowadays my priorities, "Must Haves", "Can't Stands"...whatever you want to call them....aren't so concrete. I don't want someone who fits nice and neatly into this perfect little box I've created. If I know every quirk, every nuance about the person what excitement is there in learning about each other? Sure being a racist and a lying, cheating SOB isn't something I'm wanting to discover about someone but you also can't necessarily use that as your opening liner.

"Excuse me, you have such a great smile. Are you a liar, a cheater, a racist, a slob who still lives in his parent's basement? No? Wonderful, can I buy you a drink?"

I don't think that would go over so well....

I think knowing what you'll "put up" with and what you aren't willing to compromise over is important. But also being willing to adapt and grow as a couple is equally as important. 

Don't get caught up on "Must-Haves" and "Can't Stands"...be open to new people and new experiences...after all you never know when or where LOVE might strike.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I've just discovered your blog this morning on 20SB, and I love it!

    I totally agree that must-haves and can't-stands evolve through different relationships. It has a lot to do with why your last relationship ended, and the stellar qualities in your new beau. At least in my experience.