2nd Chance?

So today Mr. Hong Kong messaged me.....just talking about what we have or haven't done in the last four months, what we do or don't want to see happen, what it even means that we're talking now.....

Normally (or at least pre-Mr.HK) my philosphy on exes has always been "an ex is an ex for a reason"... no questions. no 2nd chances. no matter the circumstances.

But now I'm not so sure. 

So I posted a question on my FB and I want to ask it here too:

"Have you ever gone against your better judgement or personal philosophy when it comes to exes?"

So far the responses (from friends/family online) have been:

"No. Bad Morgan."

"Who hasn't? And it always comes back to bite you in the ass"

"Which EX are you talking about?"

So what about you?
Do you think 2nd chances can happen?
Have you ever given an ex a 2nd chance?
What happened?

Dating the last 4 months

I came to the realization that Mr. Hong Kong and I have only been broken-up for four months.... and unfortunately I sent him an email today....just saying a happy belated birthday and hoping he was well. I'm so stupid.

I then immediately messaged my bff in Seattle telling her what I'd done. Here's how some of that conversation went:

BFF: I told you that this wasn't going to be easy....and that it was going to be hard.

Me: I know. You're right, as always. It's not like I expected to break up with "Mr. Hong Kong", turn the corner and find prince charming. But at least someone who is local, not a workaholic, not creepy/sleezy and wants to get to know more than my bra size

BFF: I know... but it doesn't make it easy that the other guys weren't even half decent

Me: Seriously. my "1st date"...well we've talked about him plenty. Then there was the teacher and the Canadian who both just disappeared. Mr. CT who looked like things were going well before *poof* The guy in SoCal who is only interested in sex. The Chicago guy who wanted me to fart on him. And now the "local" lawyer who doesn't know when he'll be leaving Tokyo.

BFF: I am trying not to laugh, because of how you put it but you should write a book! hahahah

Me: AND THAT'S ONLY IN THE LAST FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!

BFF: I know! hahaha

.....(later on in the conversation).....

Me: Oh. and I forgot about the Australian who, even though we both were emailing just as friends (because of the distance) - just stopped emailing. And then there is the guy from the UK who couldn't stop complimenting me (but in that way of weirdness) "Me: What's the weather like. Him: Rainy but it'd be sunny if you were here beautiful." WTF? Where do I find these guys?! And don't get me started on the ones who hit on me in person around town.

...(even later on)...

BFF: Ever thought of taking the sex people up on their offer? ...Maybe you need something without any ties... just have some fun.

Me: Yea but guys in Portland are (for the most part) gross and i honestly have no idea how or where to even beginning thinking let alone doing something like that. I can't get a guy to buy me a cup of coffee let alone take me home for the night.

Oy vey. I just get so frustrated with the whole dating process. I wish I could just shut the part of my brain off that desires a relationship. I wish I knew how to just pick up men in a bar and slip out the next morning before . I wish I knew how to shut down emotionally and not need or want a partner/companion. I wish this how thing was just easier.

Wondering

"Have you ever wondered ...

How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why hasn’t he texted? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Why doesn’t he make a move? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on in this relationship? Is it him or is it me?

Ah, men. Mystifying men.

And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, exciting fun-filled dates, a single perfect rose, delicious kisses and more?" (excerpt from Aha! Understanding the mind games men play by Psychologist Diana Kirschner unveils mysteries of ‘deadly dating patterns’)

So let me say that I have not read (nor do I intend to read) this woman's book "Love in 90 days". However, being that I'm going through a particularly frustrating (see also sad, depressed, angry, and confused) time I have been trolling for advice, words-of-wisdom and/or common experiences online. 

I have spent years falling too hard, too fast, for men who are all words. Finally met a man I feel madly in love with, and then spent two years waiting for him to step up and act on his words. 

When I finally said enough was enough did I go and find myself someone the exact opposite of what I had found in the past? 

No, of course not. I found myself Mr. CT. A man who made me weak in the knees, gave me butterflies in my stomach, sweet talked me into believing we had a special connection and then *poof* GONE. No words of "it's not working out" or "I just don't feel a spark". Just gone.

I'm tired of being told I'm the girl you bring home to mom but then never is. I'm tired of being told you think I'm beautiful but then left to feel like a leper. I'm tired of watching family and friends pairing up and procreating only to then look at me with sad eyes and be told "don't worry, it'll happen for you".  Tired of games and being told men are just "scared of commitment". Tired of men who are just talk, or just looking to get me into bed, or just looking to stroke their own ego. Tired of feeling I've done something wrong to push them away. Tired of feeling like I'm intentionally picking emotionally obtuse men. Tired of feeling like I'm not tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough. Tired of allowing these thoughts in my head. I'm tired of all the bull shit.

*Deep Breath* 

Okay....obviously needed to get that out... Truth is I am just tired of it all.

I came across this photo (-->) on Pinterest and I knew it rang true. I don't think I'm trying to force "love" with anyone but I definitely am a romantic in my core and can't help falling sometimes for a sweet smile and sweet words. I just wish that I'd stop falling for men who can just easily toss me aside like last nights leftovers.

Expired Membership?

It feels like forever since I've been on the "dating scene" and I'm feeling a tad rusty.

It is certainly not like riding a bicycle!

...Although perhaps it is, I never could keep my balance and ride further than a few feet without either crashing into a fence or going head over heels into a bush.

But here I am back on the horse (how many analogies can I put into one blog?); having recently signed onto a dating site (more on that later)

The friends I have talked to about me rejoining the world of singles have all been supportive in their own ways. Some tell me not to rush things (Mr. Hong Kong and I have only been split up a month) while others are eager to play wing(wo)man and devil on my shoulder. The one thing they all have in common is wanting to make sure I do what I need to do for myself.

And I am.

Part of me is wanting to just connect with someone on some level.

Get a drink after work...

Cuddle while watching a movie...

Hold hands while walking down by the river...

I need to remind myself that Mr. Hong Kong wasn't/isn't my last chance for happiness.

...I know that sounds self-deprecating and awful but we all have those moments of doubt after a break up. When we worry that we just let "the one" slip through our fingers.

So here I am, a month later, trying to figure out how to be 'single'.

I don't mean the "be happy being alone" type of single. I mean the not in a long term, serious, monogamous relationship type single.

I'm just not sure I know how....?

You know what it feels like. It's like that scene in MIB2 where Tommy Lee Jones character goes to the video rental place to find out he never used his membership card, put a video on hold but never check it out....

 

Except I feel like my membership card has expired and I'm pretty sure I never put anything on hold.

Missing You

I miss you.
I miss you and I can't tell you I miss you.

Almost a month of missing you.
Almost a month of missing you and keeping it to myself.

I thought I'd miss you less just because you were never physically around in the first place.
I was wrong.

I manage to have days when I don't think of you...
But just because I don't think of you doesn't mean I don't miss you.

That first week I waited to hear from you...
Waited for an email or text telling me not to go...
Telling me you loved me.
It never came.

Just because I was the one to say goodbye doesn't mean my love for you isn't still there.

I wish you would read this and feel how my heart aches.
How I feel like my emotions are ready to burst.
I wish you knew how much I missed you and still could call you mine.

What's Best for Me.

 

This is sort of how I've been feeling the past few days. 

Down with the world falling on my head but knowing that things...
Life...could be worse. 

In March my boyfriend and I had our first huge fight. It resulted in a 24-hour "break up" but by the end of the next day we were back together - realizing words were said in the heat of the moment and not truly meant. We patched things up and tried to make things better. 

Without going into it things too much, this past weekend I told him I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep coming in last behind his job and the rest of his life....I felt like an afterthought. 

He still is the love of my life and it's hard to imagine him not being there ten...twenty...thirty years down the line. And (without being disillusioned or getting my hopes up) he might be. I don't know. For now though it just isn't meant to be. 

I haven't really told people (expect one friend) mostly because we "broke-up" not that long ago and the last thing I need right now is a "I told you so"..."See?" or the even worse "You deserve better". What I need is for understanding that this is a hard time right now. 

I haven't cried. 

Not really. 

I suppose part of me is still in shock.
Waiting to wake up and have in next to me and this all be a bad dream. 

I love him. 

What can I say? 

It hurts but I need to survive. 

I need to do what's best for me.

When the Heartache is Over